Tirico Suave

Well, it’s just about that time ladies and gentlemen. I know some of you have been incessantly checking the Suave and wondering “Where in God’s good name is the greatest mock in all the land?” Well, my days of document-scanning are long behind me which means all my mocks are now done during my personal time. Hence the delay. And you can tell I take my new gig very seriously because now I’m using words like hence.

Again, I’ll go through my usual shtick: mock drafts in and of themselves are entirely useless. Their main function is to reassure you, the avid football fan craving all the knowledge you can get your eyeballs on, that your team is not going to fuck things up when they are on the clock in April. There are no ‘draft experts’. Just because ESPN puts Kiper and McShay in a lab setting doesn’t mean they’re geniuses. The only things Mel Kiper is an expert at is overshadowing Mel Kiper Sr. and convincing ESPN to reward him handsomely each year for being wrong on 95% of his projections. A Precog he is not.


Anyways, I feel good about this year’s mock. I think I REALLY brought it this year. I even watched like four or five college games this season. As always I have included my “If I were GM “ because I like to hedge my bets. So without any further ado, I give to you Version 1.0 of this year’s mock. And as a service to our blind/illiterate/lazy mock draft fans, you can also hear me go over the mock on the Talking Football Live podcast right here. My segment starts around the 13 minute mark and lasts around an hour or so.

1. St. Louis Rams – Sam Bradford – QB – Oklahoma
I feel like I’ve lost some of you already. I feel like I’ve lost the people who thought that Reggie Bush, Brady Quinn and Andre Smith were, hands down, going to be the top pick in their respective drafts. But alas, no. Weird shit happens. Not a lot of people expected Jake Long to go number one a few years back. I mean, who could have saw that coming?

I know Suh is “considered” the best player in the draft. However, after everyone does their workouts I think that perception will change. Unless the Rams do something incredibly retarded, like trade for Michael Vick and expect him to be awesome, bringing in a franchise QB far more important than bringing in a D-lineman who is just a little better then the guy ranked beneath him. Bradford would have probably been the 1st pick last year. And once he works out people will start to remember why that was.
If I were GM – Bradford

2. Detroit Lions – Russell Okung – OT – Oklahoma State
The Lions drafted their franchise QB last year and proceeded to pay him a shitload of money. Problem was they forgot to draft people to protect him. If they wanna win games and have Stafford stay healthy then they need a replacement for Jeff Backus. I wouldn’t be shocked if they drafted C.J. Spiller or Dez Bryant here either. You may now commence with those really funny Detroit Lion/wide receiver jokes.
If I were GM – Okung

3. Tampa Bay Bucs – Ndamukong Suh – DT – Nebraska
I think I made a lot of Tampa Bay fans happy with this projection. The Bucs are awful. Hiring a 33 year old guy with no head coaching experience didn’t go as planned. They need everything and quite frankly no matter who they draft will not help. They need a complete overhaul.
If I were GM – Dez Bryant – WR – Oklahoma State

4. Washington Redskins – Anthony Davis – OT – Rutgers
Everyone has the ‘Skins locked in at QB. Although I am not the biggest Jason Campbell fan I do think you can win some games with him. They have a lot of needs, especially upfront. Plus Davis is from Rutgers. Would he be the first ever Rutgers player drafted in the top five?
If I Were GM – Anthony Davis

5. Kansas City Chiefs – Joe Haden – DB – Florida
The NFL is a passing league these days. You can’t have too many DB’s and Haden is the best in breed this year. He has the potential to be not only good but pretty special. Also, I still can’t believe Matt Cassell is one of the five highest paid players in the league. This is why I have confidence that I could run a professional franchise.
If I Were GM – Rolando McClain

6. Seattle Seahawks – Jason-Pierre Paul – DE – South Florida
I know Jason-Pierre Paul doesn’t actually look like a cowardly, rude French man but he should. Pierre Paul is also….wait is his last name Pierre Paul or just Paul? Who cares? Screw the French.
If I Were GM – Ndamukong Suh –DT – Nebraska

7. Cleveland Browns – Jimmy Clausen – QB – Notre Dame
There’s an old adage in professional football that goes something like this “When one uber hyped douchewad of a QB from the most overrated school in the land doesn’t pan out, try, try again.”
If I Were GM – Joe Haden

8. Oakland Raiders – Gerald McCoy – DT – Oklahoma
My mock draft exists in a world where a player with tremendous upside that fills a need falls to the Oakland Raiders and they select him. See how silly these things are?
If I Were GM – McCoy


9. Buffalo Bills – Dez Bryant – WR – Oklahoma State
How many college careers do you think Deion Sanders fucks up over the next few years? 10? 20? It’s a shame today’s college athletes are too young to remember seeing this…..
If I Were GM – Bryan Bulaga – OT – Iowa

10. Denver Broncos **(from Chicago) – Eric Berry – DB – Tennessee
Did you know Eric Berry is already a lock for Canton? Yeah, he’s like Ronnie Lott but better and tougher. When he retires they are going to start calling safeties ‘Berries’. I do think Berry will be a good player. The main reason I’m not all in on him is I don’t remember watching a Tennessee game where Eric Berry changed the outcome. But then again I didn’t really watch any Tennessee games over the last four years.
If I were GM – Jason Pierre-Paul

11. Jacksonville Jaguars ** – Derrick Morgan – DE – Georgia Tech
The Jaguars have already announced that all their draft selections will be blacked out in the Jacksonville area. Apologies to their fans ahead of time.
If I Were GM – Brandon Graham – OLB – Michigan

12. Miami Dolphins – Rolando McClain – ILB – Alabama
You know how you look back at drafts and wonder why certain guys weren’t selected much higher. McClain will be that guy in this draft. My opinion he is a top three player in this draft. I am calling him the lock of the draft!
If I Were GM – Dan Williams – DT – Tennessee

13. San Francisco 49ers –Trent Williams – OT – Oklahoma
San Fran is almost back to respectability. Two picks in the first round help that. Getting someone to anchor opposite Joe Staley is a must. You know what people usually say when they describe O-lineman. Fill some of that crap in here.
If I Were GM – Derrick Morgan – DE – Georgia Tech

14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) – Bryan Bulaga – OT – Iowa
The Hawks could grab another D lineman and have two solid bookends for many years. However Walter Jones has been in the fridge way past his expiration date and it’s important to keep whoever is playing QB healthy.
If I were GM – Carlos Dunlap – DE – Florida

15. New York Giants – Brandon Spikes – LB – Florida
I have two words for Giants fans… Ray Handley. That’s the last time I watched a Giants team this bad. Now I have four words to make them stop complaining (which is still an impossibility)… Bill Cowher in ’11.
If I Were GM – CJ Spiller – RB – Clemson

16. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina)- Carlos Dunlap – DE – Florida
So few players these days have mugshots available when I’m picking out these pictures. Yes, Dunlap is a little mental but he has all the tools to be a great NFL player. Outside of McClain this is the steal of the draft in my opinion. Plus Mike Singletary isn’t afraid to embarrass you in front of the country on Sunday if you don’t get your shit together and act like a professional.
If I were GM – Trent Williams

17. Tennessee Titans – Everson Griffen – DE – USC
The Titans need to get Vanden Bosch some help. Jevon Kearse has gone from being ‘the Freak’ to ‘the freakin’ old guy who can’t do shit anymore’. Doesn’t look great on a poster. Griffen (probably the guy on the left) is a solid player that will hopefully help the Titans get to the passer.
If I Were GM – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Oklahoma

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – Dan Williams – DT – Tennessee
The Steelers really need offensive line help however taking Williams here isn’t a bad thing. If he makes it to 18 it’s a solid pick for team who is typically built around there defense.
If I were GM – Bruce Campbell – OL – Maryland

19. Atlanta Falcons – Kareem Jackson – DB – Alabama
The Falcons are a pretty solid team across the board. They need help on the D-line mainly because new Jamaal Anderson hasn’t come close to the player they thought he would be.
If I Were GM – Mike Iupati – OG – Idaho

20. Houston Texans – CJ Spiller – RB – Clemson
Seriously its late so I am gonna be quick and to the point. If the Texans take a RB here I think it’s a wasted pick. They have too much talent on offense to take a RB. Just send Steve Slaton to the whoever taught Tiki Barber to stop fumbling and voila! You have yourself and NFL starter. Defense, Defense, Defense!
If I Were GM – Taylor Mays – S – USC


21. Cincinnati Bengals – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Oklahoma
This pick makes too much sense for it not to happen at this time. The Bengals are just as capable of going 11-5 as they are 5-11. That rests solely on Carson Palmer. I am going with 5-11.
If I Were GM – Aaron Hernandez – TE – Florida

22. New England Patriots – Bruce Campbell – OL – Maryland
I believe the NFL has this big giant rug and whenever there is a problem they just lift one end up and stuff the problem under. That’s why I refuse to ever write something positive about this team who cheated themselves into winning 3 Super Bowls. Yea I said it! Boomstick!
If I Were GM – Sean Weatherspoon – OLB – Missouri

23. Green Bay Packers – Mike Iupati – OG – Idaho
The following sentence will be the only thing I write about the Packers for this year’s draft…
The Packers NEED to protect Aaron Rodgers! Also every Polynesian on Earth is really good at football.
If I Were GM – Charles Brown – OT – USC

24. Philadelphia Eagles – Earl Thomas – S – Texas
The Eagles are a well balanced team across the board. I think the secondary could use some help. I still don’t understand why they got rid of Brian Dawkins. Thomas (pictured right after winning ABC’s The Bachelor) will attempt to fill the void.
If I were GM – Kareem Jackson

25. Baltimore Ravens – Kyle Wilson – DB – Boise State
Doesn’t Kyle Wilson kind of look like the guy right above him, Earl Thomas? No, I don’t think all black peop…..it’s just the dreads and giant forehe…I’m not racist. Forget it. This is almost over with. I’m going on to the next guy.
If I were GM – Arrelious Benn – WR – Illinois

26. Arizona Cardinals – Brian Price – DT – UCLA
There seems to be a resurgence of black dudes shaving words and pics into their heads lately….aren’t they supposed to be cooler than us? Again, not racist.
If I were GM – Dan Williams – DT – Tennessee

27. Dallas Cowboys – Taylor Mays – S – USC
Awwwww shit, look how much time Taylor Mays spent on his abs instead of studying film….we may have a Situation……(pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist) (pumps fist)
If I were GM – Earl Thomas – S – Texas

28. San Diego Chargers – Sergio Kindle – OLB – Texas
The Chargers are nothing more than the Phoenix Suns of the NFL. Regular season they play well and post season when it comes down to being physical they fold like a lawn chair.
If I were GM – Kindle

29. New York Jets – Terrence Cody – DT – Alabama
The Jets can go in a number of directions. DB is a need considering Dwight Lowery and Lito Sheppard couldn’t cover my grandfather (both of whom are are dead). But having a guy like Kris Jenkins has made me realize that a big guy in the middle of the 3-4 is extremely important. I want another one and Terrence Cody is the tits, literally.
If I were GM – Cody

30. Minnesota Vikings – Devin McCourty – DB – Rutgers
Will Favre play next year? I wonder if Favre will play? Is Brett Favre coming back? Will Favre hang them up? Over/under for how many times they say Brett Favre when discussing the Vikings at this year’s draft is… 256. I am going with the over.
If I were GM – Brandon Spikes

31. Indianapolis Colts – Maurkice Pouncey – OL – Florida
Don’t believe all the stats you read. The Colts were one of the leagues least sacked teams last year but that wasn’t because of solid offensive line play. It was because whenever a defender gets within five yards of him Manning falls to the ground like a child being forced to leave a Toys ‘Я’ Us. Manning is the best for a reason and with his new extension coming soon protecting the league’s highest paid player is too important.
If I were GM – Ricky Sapp – DE – Clemson

32. New Orleans Saints – Nate Allen – S – South Florida
WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT GON BLOW DARE BRAINS OUT IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT CRAP EVER AGAIN?!?!?!
If I were GM – Brian Price

Previous Mocks:
2009: 1.0 | 2.0 | 3.0
2008: 1.0 | 2.0 | 3.0