This video features roughly 12 of the 35 fans that attended last night’s UFL matchup between Las Vegas and Florida.
One word describes the scene: YIKES!
Let’s take a brief moment to observe and jot down some notes:
- What is this gaggle of fans even trying to spell out? Las Vegas? Losman? Locos? Fittingly, they ended up with some horrid slang version of “LOOSA.”
- The part-time stripper (second from the left) was unaware that the repairman installed lawnmower blades into her washing machine. No worries, though. She gave him crabs as payment for the work. If her jeans had a few more rips in key places, Versus’ mothership would have crumbled due to the ratings spike.
- Z-rate Vin Diesel is clearly the bouncer at the woman’s strip club. Chances the couple fucked in every bathroom of Sam Boyd Stadium? 100 percent. Try to top that, Jerry.
- Why are there two kids positioned between “The Big O” and the amateur porn stars? Who are they even with? No. 85 doesn’t even have a letter on his sign — just a blank piece of cardboard. Is it really his sidewalk mattress? Judging by “The Big O’s” expansive tummy, the reason is obvious: They ran out of paint.
- “The Big O” decided to extenuate his worst feature by putting a veritable bull’s-eye on it. Unless he’s planning to take a cannonball to the midsection at halftime, this is simply unacceptable. He’s texting his girlfriend to grease-up the doorways to their trailer.
- “The Big O’s” friend decided to take a break from his full-time job as a flasher.
- The two men to the far right are watching a grainy cell phone video of the bouncer playing all the stripper’s slots. I imagine their conversation went something like this.
Guy on right: “BRO, I told you the dude fit his ENTIRE skull inside!”
Guy on left: “I love me some Unfiltered Fucking League.”
- The faded purple-shirted man behind the peeping friends? He just pissed away his unborn son’s entire college fund on coke and roulette. Surveying the disturbing mass of humanity, he’s slowly coming to grips with a UFL-level future.
And that’s probably enough. After all, it’s only a matter of time till I become one them. New York’s showdown against JP and the Locos — fittingly to be played at Citi Field — is only a few weeks away.