Sideline reporter Anita Marks’ audio-visual abortion was the ultimate intro to the UFL’s comical inaugural season.
In a league where JP Losman is Peyton Manning, Marks proved to be a cracked-mirror image of Suzy Kolber.
Now, I present Chicago Sun-Times Bears reporter Brad Biggs, who joins Marks and Losman as the UFL’s version of Peter King. Biggs — also a writer for the National Football Post — doesn’t actually cover the JPs of the world. Then again, does anybody?
Today, however, he inadvertently stepped into the cesspool that is the United Fuck-it League.
Not surprisingly, he fucked up in less than 140 characters:
And then once more for good measure:
And then the realization that the Florida Tuskegees only exist in a bad Oliver Stone movie.
And then the UFL’s realization that Biggs only covers the league while operating a moving vehicle.
First, let’s get the obvious out of the way.
Ricky Manning Junior’s exit from the NFL at the age of 28 is a sweet victory for us laptop-toting souls. As you may recall, the former cornerback got into a heated Mac vs. Windows argument at Denny’s back in 2006. Manning ended the conflict abruptly, installing a Pentium processor into the victim’s brain.
Basically, Ricky was a prick of the prickliest degree. And, really, no one with moral conscious would argue that. Which makes his demotion to the Unknown Failure League that much more enjoyable.
With that said, let’s completely and unnecessarily overanalyze Biggs’ two tweets with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than 140 characters.
Geography: Tuskegee is a city in Alabama, which borders on the state of Florida. “Forrest Gump” is synonymous with Alabama in the same way “Scarface” is with Florida. These two movies have absolutely nothing in common, kind of like the Tuskegees and the Tuskers.
Moving on, we have Tuskegee University, a renowned historically black college. Staying with that trend, there’s also the Tuskegee Airmen. Famously known as the first black pilots in the history of the US military, the Tuskegee Airmen absolutely tattooed Hitler’s ass in World War II.
Now, what the fuck does this have to do with Ricky and the UFL?
Well, here goes:
Part 1: With Rush Limbaugh’s tentacles threatening Goodell’s caste system, Al Sharpton has been secretly planning to buy the UFL and turn it into football’s version of the Negro Leagues.
“This is a new landmark for America,” Sharpton disappointingly did not tweet. “The Unfair Forefathers League will free us from Roger “The Devil” Goodell’s evil plantation of lies and limited self-expression. And no Jewish agents allowed.”
Will Ricky be the face of Sharpton’s fictitious league? Of-fucking-course he will.
“No Jews, no faggots and no laptops means this a media-free league,” Ricky furiously attempted to tweet from a pay phone.
Part 2: The Tuskegee Airmen played a role in defeating the Third Reich. In an ironic twist, Ricky allegedly channeled his inner Nazi during the laptop-smashing incident at Denny’s.
That’s really all there is to Part 2. The fact that Maurice Jones-Drew was with Ricky at the time of the incident is kind of hilarious. I just get an image of the two acting out a skinhead scene from “American History X.”
OK, we are winding down now. While another tangent is building in the bowels of my tortured mind, I’ll spare you an insane rant that attempts to tie together Biggs’ time in the Bears’ cocker room, the Tuskegee syphilis experiment and Ricky Junior’s Jr.
In reality, 99 percent of what I just wrote is wild psychobabble. We will never know the real reason Biggs originally tweeted “Tuskegees” as opposed to “Tuskers.” Knowing your average Chicago sports reporter, Biggs’ mind was somewhere in between a deep-dish pizza and a mound of greasy kielbasas.
But I have this laptop, so I might as well use it.
