Occasionally the calamity that is the evening news seeps its way onto my tv screen. It’s always the same thing that every marginal 80’s comedian told you about: murderdeathkills, canned deliveries, forced banter. It is is my amateur observation that evening news shows haven’t progressed one bit in the last 15 years. And this piece by NBC San Diego’s Jim Laslavic struck me as especially dipshity, even by Carey-Elwes-in-the-Chase-esque local news standards. Laslavic, a former Lion (heyhowbouthat?), takes it upon himself to whip out the ol’ soapbox to tell the fine folks of San Diego about this ‘rapper’ Jay-Z he apparently just stumbled across to which has come to represent to Laslavic all that is wrong with the world at large. That and Twitter I’m guessing.
Things of note:
1) “Where was the outrage when rapper Jay-Z bought part ownership of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets?”
Holy Christ. Where do I start? One, a quick Google search (given that JL is familiar with Google, browsers, computers, wall sockets, etc) would have netted Laslavic some key facts like Jay-Z only held a 1.47% ownership in the Nets while Limbaugh and Checketts seem to be interested in owning no less than 60% share of the team or possibly even all of it. BIG DIFFERENCE JIM between owning less than 1/50th of a ballclub and being in complete control. Ask Jay-Z if being immensely popular and possessing a killer flow makes relocating a team to the neighborhood you grew up in any easier. He was brought in essentially for two reasons: to facilitate the move to Brooklyn and to lure LeBron to aforementioned borough. I don’t know much at all about politics but from a neutral observer’s standpoint, Limbaugh seems batshit insane at times. For all we know, Limbaugh doesn’t care one bit about football and plans on seceding the Rams from the NFL so he can instead just have an army of 53 (not including practice squad) large, yet intellectually inferior men at his (literal) disposal in case he ever felt the need to up and invade Laos or Grenada on a whim. Plus, he is or at one time was addicted to painkillers, just like Brett Favre, who’s also a self-serving prick with a huge ego. God, I really hate that Brett Favre. Where was I? I forget. Anyway, given the choice, who do you think is the better business man, the drug pusher or the drug user?
2) “It gets a lot worse. You can look it up”
Laslavic’s determination to spread the word about this so called ‘rapper’ is downright David Eckstein-in-footy-pajamas-level adorable. I’m on my microfiche machine right now. Would you mind spelling that for me? Is it just J-Z? Nothing demonstrates just how completely out of touch with the world around you then encouraging others to discover on their one of the most of popular songs from one of the biggest musical acts, regardless of genre, of the last 15-20 years.
3) “Quote ‘I Got 99 Problems And A Bitch Ain’t One’ Endquote”
Thanks for the quote/endquote. It was really hard for us casual observers to discern where Jay-Z ended and Jay-L began. And you’re aware you’re on the evening news and not one of those vile internet blogs, right? No need to work blue.
4) “I hate those rap lyrics. I was never a real rap guy.”
People still talk about rap in that manner, just absolutely dripping with bewilderment and disdain? Fun fact: Laslavic’s home is located directly in the center of the locker room from Remember the Titans. I GUARANTEE YOU when JL’s out socially and a rap song comes on his go-to move is always, without a doubt, the ironic lip pucker-head nod-roof raise triumvirate.
5) “I. Don’t. Get. It.”
No. Shit. I defy you to find a statement anywhere, at any point in civilized history (fuck it! I’m feeling cocky, troll through uncivilized history too if you’d like), that’s more accurate than that one in boldface, directly above this paragraph. Anytime someone retorts what you just said with “How do you really feel?”, that means what you just said was not only asinine bravado but also pointless. Howard Beale, you are not.
“I’m mildly perturbed as HELL and I’m going to continue to take it but in the meantime I’m going to let you know how displeased I am about it!!!!”
