Last night, sideline reporter Anita Marks proved that virtually everything in the nascent UFL is shoddy.
Here’s a clip of Marks reporting live during the season-opener between Las Vegas and California.
Now, let’s break it down.
- Starts off the report by noting she’s “still alive” after a violent play on the sideline. Keep in mind this whole report is based on the fact that nature is endlessly more dangerous and tragic than football.
- Not-so-smoothly transitions into Lauvale Sape’s ankle injury.
- Wanna hear an interesting story? He’s fucking Samoan.
- Oh, by the way, his family suffered through the tsunami. You know, the one that took the lives of 200 Samoans.
- The Las Vegas players united and put together a collection on behalf of Sape. Translation: the bell-ringing Salvation Army lady outside your CVS collected more dough in her pail on Dec. 24.
- Despite losing everything, his family is safe. I guess that makes sense. I always feel safest without shelter, food, clothes and the internet.
- “Unfortunately, this is his UFL debut,” Marks says. While the UFL experience has to be up there on the Zoloft-craving all-time depression list, I’d presume that picking up the pieces in the aftermath of a tsunami is worse.
- . . . roughly three seconds of dead air . . . “but he has an ankle injury.”
Impressive performance, Anita.
The UFL: where sideline reporters handle tragic stories like Charles Manson delivering a baby via c-section.
