Tirico Suave

You know what’s a favorite pastime of mine? Straw grasping. And with my Lions, winners of one of their last two, hosting the defending champs this weekend, now seems like a good a time as any to try and make myself feel better about the impending blowout with a myriad of sardonic sexual assault jokes. Suck on this, honest, hard-working, blue collar, salt of the Earth people from Pittsburgh.

Matthew Stafford	Ben Roethlisberger
City he plays in:
Detroit	Detroit East
Is he playing this weekend?:
No	Only until the Steelers are up 35, then Batch’ll get himself some
NFL Accomplishments:
Zero rape allegations	Two Super Bowl rings
Other sports attempted:
Pick up line:
“I’m by far the richest person in all of Michigan.”	“You look like the kind of gal who knows her way around a faulty television set.”
Annoying Habit:
Sticks tongue out after every gain of five or more yards	Seemingly gains one pound every hour he’s awake
Attracted to:
Pretty, young women that probably couldn’t even spell extortion	The opposite
Is Infinitely more talented than:
Holds his liquor in front of the ladies:
Thing named after him:
The Stafford Effect, a ‘phenomenon seen at Stafford’s high school alma mater, Highland Park High School in Dallas, Texas, from 2006–2008, where the number of seniors who applied to University of Georgia rose dramatically in the three years following Stafford’s departure to Athens, Georgia.’	A $7 hamburger.
Ever been one of those godawful douchebags that actually takes pleasure in riding motorcycles?:
Nope.
Has seen naked: