I like to think of myself as a logical person. A really logical person. Some say too logical. To those people, I say “Not always the case!”. Being overly argumentative and arbitrarily defensive has lead me to say a whole bunch of stupid things over the years. Why not the throw the ones I can think of at the moment on the internet, where people love to agree with things. Let it be noted, I was going to put these in order of most to least rational but I didn’t. But if I had, the one I know I’m definitely correct on is “Golfer aren’t athletes.” But hey, that seems like a good place to start…
Golfers aren’t athletes.
I usually feel most adamant about this when people say moronic things like “Tiger Woods is the best athlete of his generation”. No, he’s not. He doesn’t run, jump, play defense, have anyone play defense on him, throw or catch anything. He’s never under any real time constraints. You can’t even make noise around him. You know what’s usually present in things qualified as athletic? Noise, mostly from athletic related activity and the admiration of said activity. He performs in Dockers and a vest. The contemporary of his that comes closest to his talent level is built like Philip Seymour Hoffman. On the athlete scale, Tiger Woods is somewhere between Bobby Fischer and David Cross. Related note, I now no longer argue that “Golf is not a sport” but that’s mostly because I’m old enough to consider participation any voluntary physical activity a sport in some fashion. The sport I’m best at: tie, between making runs to Best Buy and waiting behind old people in line at Boston Market while they choose their two sides.
Brett Favre is not one of the ten best QBs of all time.
Montana. Elway. Unitas. Young. Marino. Graham. Bradshaw. Brady. Manning. Starr. Aikman. Staubach. Warner. Tarkenton. I think I have a pretty good (stoney) case up to Starr at least. Come, on, it’s fun to hate Brett Favre. Let’s ruin his legacy together!
Barry Sanders is a better running back than Emmitt Smith
I regret using the picture of Benita Butrell on this Ramon Sessions article, because while I do enjoy me some Ramon, heaven help anyone around me that dare speak a foul word about Barry Sanders. The man was the epitome of a professional athlete, on and off the field. This is porn to me:
I tend to lean heavily on the “Give Barry Emmitt’s o-line” argument and ignore any counterpoints that even mentions or alludes to Barry’s lack of blocking skills, receiving skills, Super Bowl rings or sense of knowing when it’s time to walk away. The only running back I’ll admit is better than Barry is Jim Brown because it makes me sound smart and respectful. If desperate, I’ll pull out Emmitt’s lousy oratory skills and Barry’s ability to avoid co-starring in commercials with Alf. Not to mention his last season in college, he put up utterly retarded Jesus Holyeffin Christ numbers.
The three Lord of the Rings movies are the worst goddamned movies ever. They are incredibly boring. Fantasy movies in general are horrible and are a plague on our culture. It’s impossible for anyone with redeeming qualities to enjoy one minute of any of these films.
That’s how I feel now. I used to feel stronger about this in college.
Mark Buehrle is an ace.
The most esoteric argument on the list, but it’s one that I’ve been carrying with the Suave’s own Shakes DiMaggio for a few years now. Shake D is still part of the franchise, but his dedication to adult CYO kickball team gives him so little time to write, what with the rigorous traveling schedule and constant day-night triple headers. Where was I? I don’t know, I just brought this one up to make that stupid kickball joke.
Godfather III is an enjoyable movie.
It’s not GF III’s fault that it’s two predecessors are the greatest and second greatest films of all time. It’s an enjoyable flick. It just needed some Tom Hagen. Of course, Sofia Coppola sucks but she dies at the end! I’ll take that. The helicopter scene is outstanding, as is the scene where the burglars break in to Andy Garcia’s apartment. And of course:
Harvey Bars is a three time NAACP Image award nominee quarter-finalist and his collection of previously unreleased autobiographical memoirs “Legends of The Fall 2: The Revenge” hits stores in September. He resides in San Diego.
