A site called Roto Info has a post entitled “2003 Steroid list leaks out?” which contains no links or sources and just names 103 MLB players who were active in 2003, to which I thought “That’s brilliant! I could do that!” And I did. So here is my list of MLBers who I suspect took steroids. Did I say suspect? I mean, I know they definitely did it and I’m hoping my painstaking research and journalistic fortitude damages not only their careers but their personal and family lives as well.
I just want to say, right off the bat, I stand by what I wrote. If OTL would like an interview, I have a few conditions that I would like them to meet before I agree to anything: 1) I want none of this Steve Bunin clown. Save him for when you want to blindside kind, young misinterpreted bloggers from the Midwest. I’m originally from NJ and now San Diego which is really close to Hollywood. I’m big time, ok. You thaw out Bob Ley or I don’t show. 2) Tonight’s no good. Weeds is on and I probably want to watch a little bit of Raw since there was a PPV yesterday. And I may want to nap before Conan comes on. Tuesday’s fine and so is Wednesday, I mean, I watch Top Chef Masters, but it kind of sucks and and I DVR it anyway. 3) I also want final cut.
Now that we’ve settled that. What you came here for. The goods. And just so you know, my list is so much better than Roto Info’s. I wasn’t lazy like them. I didn’t limit myself to just 2003 (or to baseball players, or athletes or people that actually exist). Some of us just try harder, you know us real journalists.
The Only MLB Steroid List That Matters
1. Darren Daulton (1 for 1 already, mofos)
2. Josh Hamilton (I don’t think he took steroids on purpose, but had to borrow a used syringe from Canseco at some point)
3. Phil Niekro
4. Joe Niekro
5. Charlie Hough
6. Dusty Baker’s kid
7. Morganna the Kissing Bandit
8. The crappy Molina
9. Alfred Molina
10. Chris Sabo’s optometrist
11. Mo Rivera (shocking, but RBI production way up as of late)
12. Sid Bream
13. Sid Fernandez
14. Ken Rosenthal
15. John Tudor
16. Tom Niedenfuer
17. Anthony Young
18. Rich Garces
19. Dave Stewart (although I’m guessing Stewart did not take PEDs for on field performance as much as he did to counteract his distinctly effeminate voice)
20. Alan Thicke
21. The little black kid who died in Hardball.
22. Chet Steadman.
23. Rusty Kuntz
24. Rusty Staub
25. Tom Paciorek
26. Brett Favre
27. Deanna Favre
28. Cal Worthington
29. Sadaharu Oh
30. Josh Gibson
31. Hamilton Porter
32. Juan Pierre
33. Billy Beane
34. Bill James
35. Michael Lewis
36. David Nied
37. Nigel Wilson
38. Mel Stottlemyre Sr. (never as a player, only while coaching)
39. Cory Snyder
40. Delino DeShields or Mike Sharperson, whichever one’s not dead. I forget.
41. Ozzie Canseco
42. Oh yeah, A-Rod.
43. Bob Sheppard
44. Suzyn Waldman
45. Eric Karros
46. Jeanne Zelasko
47. Tsuyoshi Shinjo
48. Mark Corey
49. Tony Tarasco
50. Mike LaValliere
51. Buddy Biancalana
52. Brien Taylor
53. Ben McDonald
54. Boog Powell
55. Curtis Armstrong
56. Ben Davis, seriously that guy was built like Batista.
57. Donald Fehr
58. Chico Escuela
59. Mario Mendoza
60. Gus Triandos (sorry, Herc)
61. Ken Phelps (after the Buhner deal)
62. Tony Gwynn
63. Cal Ripken Sr.
64. That batshit Blue Jays manager who made up all those Vietnam stories
65. Henry Rodriguez
66. Abner Doubleday
67. The sausage (Randall Simon hates cheaters)
68. Walt Weiss
69. Randall Simon
70. Don Zimmer
71. Nobody from the Pirates since Barry Bonds left
72. Jimmy Clausen
73. Danny Gans
74. Billy Mays
75. Steve Lattimer
76. Kevin Negandhi
77. Don Mossi
78. Manon Rhéaume
79. Dave Nilsson
80. Bart Giamatti
81. Paul Giamatti
82. Charlie Kerfeld
83. Joe Nuxhall
84. Bob Feller (not 100% sure, but he was a dick to me when I was 13 and wanted his autograph at a card show. You fucked with the wrong bull, Feller!)
85. This guy.
86. Bill Veeck
87. Jim Bouton
88. George Will
89. Henry Chadwick
90. Jay Johnstone (only during Naked Gun filming)
91. Felix Hernandez (I don’t play favorites, c’mon the guy slugged 4.000 last year!)
92. Ted Turner
93. Jane Fonda
94. Ken Oberkfell
95. Pie Traynor
96. Three Finger Brown
97. Dr. James Andrews
98. Dr. Lewis Yocum
99. Jeremy Brown
100. Craig Grebeck
101. Mark Lemke
102. Freddie Patek
103. George Mitchell
