Tirico Suave

My third and final installment of the mock is here to kill another five minutes of work (six if you leave a menacing comment). I like keeping things fresh and hedging my bets, so I’ve decided to list who I think the team will select and who’d I select if I were running the team. Plus, I threw in a second round for those of you out there who hate the odd numbered rounds.

Previous Mocks: | Version 1.0 | Version 2.0 |
1. Detroit Lions. Matthew Stafford. QB. Georgia.
If I Were GM: Andre Smith.
Consistency is passe. Late night plate destruction is how you the prototypical modern QB is measured. And with that, all signs seem to show the Lions selecting Stafford with their first choice which should delight Tom Condon since his other big client, Jason Smith, isn’t likely to fall out of the top three while Stafford on the other hand would fall possibly out of the top five and could lose a lot of money. Oh, and yeah, not selecting a tackle here is dumb, and is upgraded to dumber if a tackle doesn’t fall to them at pick #20.

2. St. Louis Rams. Jason Smith. OL. Baylor.
If I Were GM: Michael Crabtree.
I know the thought of Bulger to Avery has the St. Louis faithful already quite titillated, but in my opinion this is the biggest mistake the Rams could make. Crabtree is without question the best player in this draft and for the Rams to possibly overlook that is crazy. That said, Smith is a great player and when selected will immediately fill a huge hole left by Orlando Pace’s departure.

3. Kansas City Chiefs. Aaron Curry. LB. Wake Forest.
If I Were GM: BJ Raji.
Curry is regarded as the best defensive player in this draft and the Chiefs get themselves a helluva player and perhaps their best LB since Derrick Thomas. I see a lot of parallels between the Chiefs and last season’s Falcons.

4. Seattle Seahawks. Mark Sanchez. QB. USC.
If I Were GM: Aaron Curry.
This is a great spot for Sanchez to go. Snaps aside, a year on the bench in the NFL can be just as, if not more, valuable than a senior year at USC. He can sit a year or so behind Hasselbeck, eventually take the starting job over, maybe even pimp some soup down the road. I am really coming around on Sanchez. I think he is going to be a great pro, if put in the right situation.

5. Cleveland Browns. Michael Crabtree. WR. Texas Tech
If I Were GM: Brandon Pettigrew.
The Browns get themselves the steal of the draft. Crabtree is the type of talent that comes around once every few years. He has the same makeup that Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson had coming out of college. I applaud the Browns for not being like the four retards before them and selecting the best player in the draft.

6. Cincinnati Bengals. B.J. Raji. DT. Boston College.
If I Were GM: Jason Smith.
My pick hasn’t changed since my first mock. I think Raji is the type of pot smoker defensive player that you want to lead you up front. He is a big menacing figure who is going to help right away.

7. Oakland Raiders. Eugene Monroe. OT. Virginia.
If I Were GM: Eugene Monroe.
Trying to predict what direction the Oakland Raiders would like to go involving any football related personnel move is the quintessential exercise in futility. I’ve already wasted too much of both of our times. Let’s move on.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars. Darrius Heyward-Bey. Maryland.
If I Were GM: Percy Harvin
The first real reach of the draft. I think Bey will get drafted ahead of Maclin partly because of his post season workouts, but mostly because GMs love the absurd immeasurable notion of upside. I don’t necessarily agree with the pick, but I figure the Jaguars are looking for any excuse to make whatever fans they have left not show up, so they can then relocate.

9. Green Bay Packers. Brian Orakpo. DE. Texas
If I Were GM: Michael oher.
The Packers are switching to a 3-4 alignment and will need help on the outside so taking Mamula Orapko is what they fell they need most. I like Orakpo if he plays his natural position of DE. however, Green bay would move him to OLB and therefore I am not a fan.

10. San Francisco 49ers. Andre Smith. OL. Alabama.
If I Were GM: Mark Sanchez.
The 49ers have been bad for so long that anyone over the age of twelve is no longer considered a bandwagon fan. Despite looking worse topless than Kathy Bates does, Smith is the best lineman in the draft. I don’t care if he told me to go fuck myself at the combine and then slapped my girlfriend’s ass, he deserves to be taken a lot higher than this.

11. Buffalo Bills. Brandon Pettigrew. TE. Oklahoma State.
If I Were GM: Tyson Jackson.
I win, Pettigrew.





12. Denver Broncos. Tyson Jackson. DE. LSU.
If I Were GM: Robert Ayers.
I have seen Jackson go in the top five on some mocks. That’s probably the craziest thing I have seen since I watched a stripper urinate on a close* friend at a bachelor party. Wait, what?


*close, friendshipwise, not in spatial proximity, thank God.

13. Washington Redskins. Michael Oher. OT. Ole Miss.
If I Were GM: Ebon Britton.
If Dan Snyder were smart (he’s not) or at least a competent owner (again, no), he would stop worrying about replacing Jason Campbell and instead start worrying about protecting him.

14. New Orleans Saints. Malcolm Jenkins. DB. Ohio State.
If I Were GM: Knowshon Moreno.
The Saints are a mess on defense particularly at corner and safety. We all look forward to fantasy weeks when our receivers are matched up against the Saints. Jenkins is the best DB in the draft and will provide the Saints with instant help.

15. Houston Texans. Aaron Maybin. DE. Penn State.
If I Were GM: Aaron Maybin.
The Texans are almost certain to go defense here. Maybin can be put opposite of Mario Williams and thus will very likely be a double digit sack guy.

16. San Diego Chargers. Robert Ayers. DE. Tennessee.
If I Were GM: Ray Maualuga.
I’m finally abandining the notion that San Diego goes RB here. Next year perhaps. Right now, the Chargers need some help on defense, especially at end. Ayers is the exact replica of Shaun Ellis. He will be a decent, but unspectacular pro for ten years and a potential pro bowler when he is in a contract year.

17. New York Jets. Jeremy Maclin. WR. Missouri.
If I Were GM: Jarron Gilbert.
The Jets have a ton of needs especially on the offensive end. I would like to see them go defensive line here, but anybody at that position would be a reach. Maclin is the type of receiver the Jets thought they had in Coles, who in my opinion was never as fast as advertised.

18. Denver Broncos. Chris Wells. RB. Ohio State.
If I Were GM: Malcolm Jenkins.
By my last count, 36 of Denver’s 53 allotted roster spots were filled by a running back. Problem is, they’re all shitty. They could use a rotational system where all the RB’s can get about six touches per game. Or they can draft Beanie and have a horse.
19. Tampa Bay Bucs. Josh Freeman. QB. Kansas State.
If I Were GM: Clay Matthews.
Even after signing Leftwich, I still think the Bucs are going to take Freeman here. You know why? Because Leftwich isn’t THAT good. Simply put, he’s an ideal backup. Right now, Leftwich serves as a quick fix while Freeman sits at least a year, which always seems to work, yet hardly anyone does this. If given the right treatment I still think Freeman has the chance to be the best QB taken in this draft.

20. Detroit Lions (From Dallas). Ebon Britton. OL. Arizona.
If I Were GM: Peria Jerry.
The first thing Martin Mayhew did after being named Lions GM was to abolish Matt Millen’s long standing rule that stated “Carrying more than five talented players on the roster at any time puts you at great risk of falling outside the top ten at the draft.” (Rumors that he had this saying made into a sign and placed over his office door were never able to be proven. Millen lost the key his second week on the job and was so embarrassed he just worked out of the janitor’s closet for seven plus seasons.) Anyway, the Lions got what they believe is their franchise guy in Stafford. Next step is making sure he is protected. Britton would be a solid pick and would provide the Lions with a decent front five this year. They have a bunch of picks in the top three rounds so they have a chance to build a good nucleus of players.

21. Philadelphia Eagles. Knowshon Moreno. RB. Georgia.
If I Were GM: Jeremy Maclin.
The Eagles will get themselves the best RB in the draft at the 21st pick. I don’t care what his 40 time was I watched enough games to know he is going to be a good back in this league. The eventual replacement to Westbrook will fit in nicely in Philly.

22. Minnesota Vikings. Hakeem Nicks. WR. North Carolina.
If I Were GM: Matt Stafford.
No doubt in my mind they go receiver here while they march on with that Sage/Tarvaris two man QB tandem. If I were the Vikes I would draft my boy Curtis Painter in the 5th or 6th round. And yes, I think this is where Matthew Stafford should be going.

23. New England Patriots. Clay Matthews. LB. USC.
If I Were GM:James Laurinaitis.
He may have been on drugs, he may not have. He may be racist, but not really. He was on no one’s radar a year ago. No one’s really sure exactly what’s going on. Sounds like the perfect Patriot.

24. Atlanta Falcons. Peria Jerry. DT. Ole Miss.
If I Were GM: Evander Hood.
The Falcons would love to see Pettigrew fall here. If he does no doubt they take him. However defense is a huge concern and DT is something that cannot be overlooked.

25. Miami Dolphins. Percy Harvin. WR. Florida.
If I Were GM: Hakeem Nicks.
Whatever’s going on with Harvin now away from football will be quickly forgotten when Parcells grabs him and lets him loose in the wildcat, or wildcat derivative.

26. Baltimore Ravens. Rey Maualuga. LB. USC.
If I Were GM: Vontae Davis.
I can’t believe Rey has fallen this far in the draft. He is outside of Aaron Curry the best linebacker in the draft. The Ravens lose Bart Scott and draft Mualuga for a third of the price. Plus, they have new less murdery Rey to build the D around.

27. Indianapolis Colts. Evander Hood. DT. Missouri.
If I Were GM: Ron Brace.
Courtesy of Google images, Evander Hood enters the NFL with the perfect portfolio for showing off his acting chops, which ranges from absolutely menacing to delightful sassy. Impressive.

28. Buffalo Bills (from Philadelphia via Carolina). Everette Brown. OL. Ole Miss
If I Were GM: Phil Loadholt.
For the record I like the fact that the Bills traded Jason Peters. For one, he is not as good as everyone is saying. And two, Bills need to build depth and not pay an overrated LT top dollar. Especially since they have to play home games in Toronto to help build a fan base.

29. New York Giants. Brian Cushing. LB. USC.
If I Were GM: Willaim beatty.
The Jersey kid returns to his home state. And his posse has already choreographed their reaction for when his name is called at the podium. And we here at the Suave have obtained a quick preview. Looks great, fellas.

30. Tennessee Titans. Ron Brace. DT. Boston College.
If I Were GM: Alex Mack.
The loss of Haynesworth is going to hurt big time. Unless they bring in a big body right away. Brace doesn’t get the credit that Raji does, but certainly isn’t too far off as a player and definitely has a much tougher name.

31. Arizona Cardinals. Donald Brown. RB. UConn.
If I Were GM: LeSean McCoy.
Let it be known that I’m stating right now that the Cardinals will have a tough time making the playoffs this year. Just a hunch, but I just think they have way too many holes to do what they did last year. Brown is expected to come in and start right away since Edge is old and Hightower averages 0.6 yards per carry.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers. Vontae Davis. CB. Illinois.
If I Were GM: Duke Robinson.
Just being related to Vernon Davis drops you ten spots on most draft boards. However, when good teams get players with checkered pasts (and Vontae’s is less checkered than most) things tend to work out. Besides with the Steelers, Davis had best square his ass away and start shitting Tiffany cufflinks or Mike Tomlin will definitely fuck him up.

ROUND TWO
33. Detroit Lions – James Laurainitis – LB – Ohio State
34. New England Patriots – Darius Butler – DB – Connecticut
35. St. Louis Rams – Kenny Britt – WR – Rutgers
36. Cleveland Browns – Paul Kruger – OLB – Utah
37. Seattle Seahawks – Phil Loadholt – OL – Oklahoma
38. Cincinnati Bengals – Alex Mack – C – California
39. Jacksonville Jaguars – DJ Moore – DB – Vanderbilt
40. Oakland Raiders – Larry English – DE – North Illinois
41. Green Bay Packers – Alphonso Smith – DB – Wake Forest
42. Buffalo Bills – William Beatty – OL – Connecticut
43. San Francisco 49ers – Lesean McCoy – RB – Pittsburgh
44. Miami Dolphins – Jarron Gilbert – DL – San Jose State
45. NY Giants – Brian Robiskie – WR – Ohio State
46. Houston Texans – William Moore – S – Missouri
47. New England Patriots – Pat White – WR – West Virginia
48. Denver Broncos – Clint Sintim – OLB – Virginia
49. Chicago Bears – Mohamed Mossaquoi – WR – Georgia
50. Cleveland Browns – Donald Washington – DB – Ohio State
51. Dallas Cowboys – Rashad Johnson – S – Alabama
52. New York Jets – Adam Levitre – OG – Oregon State
53. Philadelphia Eagles – Cornelius Ingram – TE – Florida
54. Minnesota Vikings – Max Unger – C – Oregon.
55. Atlanta Falcons – Shawn Nelson – TE – Southern Miss
56. Miami Dolphins – Sean Smith – DB – Utah
57. Baltimore Ravens – Brandon Tate – WR – North Carolina
58. New England Patriots – Lawrence Sidbury – DE – Richmond
59. Carolina Panthers – Michael Johnson – DE – Georgia Tech
60. New York Giants – Duke Robinson – G – Oklahoma
61. Indianapolis Colts – Cody Brown – OLB – Connecticut
62. Tennessee Titans – Eric Wood – C – Louisville
63. Arizona Cardinals – Connor Barwin – DE – Cincinnati
64. Pittsburgh Steelers – Jamon Meredith – OL – South Carolina