Tirico Suave

I haven’t been around these parts in some time, but it’s mock draft season, so I’m back to drop mock knowledge on the masses. And yes, I know mock drafts are pointless. Kiper spends every waking minute of his life studying this crap only to get like four right on draft day because there were a slew of trades that messed up any and all pre-draft logic. Still, that doesn’t stop me from reading every single one I come across in hopes that whatever severely unqualified person authored the mock that I’m reading decided to arbitrarily give my team a player I want or at least agree with. Plus, if I put this together while I’m at work, it’s a lot easier for me to tell myself that I’m doing this for a living, as opposed to scanning documents.

1. Detroit Lions. Eugene Monroe. OT. Virginia.
0-16 teams tend to have a lot of holes. Some would say QB is their first need. I tend to think you start up front and work your way back (think Jake Long). There are a slew of OL prospects this year and to take a gamble on a Matt Stafford or even Matt Sanchez at this spot could potentially set this franchise back even further. Worst case scenario with taking a LT first is if he doesn’t pan out, you can slide him down the line a la Robert Gallery. It’s a win/win if you’re the Lions.

2. St. Louis Rams. Michael Crabtree. Texas Tech.
With the seemingly imminent release of Torry Holt, the days of the “Greatest Show On Turf” are long gone. The Rams need to get younger on offense and be able to get the ball down field. Offensive Tackle is also a need, I just think Crabtree is the best talent in the draft and will be very hard to pass up at #2, even with the injury.

3. Kansas City Chiefs. Matt Stafford. QB. Georgia.
This is my least favorite pick. Partially because I am not too high on Stafford. But realistically the Chiefs can’t possibly go out there next season with Tyler Thigpen as their starter. He had a good last of half of the season when it meant nothing just like Ray Lucas when he was with the Jets. (Unrelated Lucas update: He is now on SNY as the terrible football analyst next to that dickhead, Greg Buttle).

4. Seattle Seahawks. Jason Smith. OL. Baylor.
I could see the Seahawks going QB here if Stafford falls to them. I don’t see that happening however and the truth of the matter is that offensive line is their primary need considering Walter Jones just celebrated his 67th birthday.

5. Cleveland Browns. Aaron Curry. OLB. Wake Forest.
The Browns select what many call the most NFL ready defensive player in the draft in hopes that Curry in the next Pat Willis. This doesn’t take away from the fact that everyone thinks Mangini is an absolute dick. J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets! I digress.

6. Cincinnati Bengals. B.J. Raji. DT. Boston College.
The Bengals missed out on Sedrick Ellis last year, but land what I feel is a superior in talent in Raji. B.J. (giggles) will help bolster the D-line and maybe help bring back the Bengals to that brief 11 day time period in ‘05 when they were considered respectable.

7. Oakland Raiders. Andre Smith. OT. Alabama.
A lot of people think the Raiders are a disaster. I tend to think they are a couple pieces away from being a wildcard contender. They need weapons on the outside to help Russell so WR is definitely a possibility, but I see them trying to make sure Russell is protected for the next 10 years. Plus, if I’ve learned anything from the MSM, when a player has some sort off the field transgression, project them to sign, get traded to, or be drafted by the Raiders.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars. Percy Harvin. WR. Florida.
The Jags WR corp has been intramural at best over the last few seasons and outside of MoJo this team is in dire need of offensive talent. They also could get better on the offensive line so if any of the OTs that slip will get a serious look, but I think Harvin is the type of player that a lot teams would love to scheme for, especially as more and more teams become enamored with the Wildcat.

9. Green Bay Packers. Rey Maualuga. ILB. USC.
The Packers are a tough team to get a hold of. There switching to a 3-4 so in all likelihood defense is their first priority. Maualuga is getting a little heat as of late for possibly being a two down linebacker in the NFL but I say that anyone who watched him play at USC knows this kid is a beast. Plus he did this.

10. San Francisco 49ers. Vontae Davis. DB. Illinois.
Every few offseasons the 49ers are contractually obligated to select a member of the Davis family who performs exceptionally well at the combine but has a few question marks regarding their inconsistent play on the field. This is that offseason.

11. Buffalo Bills. Brandon Pettigrew. TE. Oklahoma State.
(Editor’s Note: Velvet did not write a description for this pick. One can only begin to attempt to surmise, why? Latent racism against black tight ends? Maybe he thinks Brandon is a stupid name. Or perhaps Velvet and Pettigrew, by chance, crossed paths at a party and Pettigrew approached Velvet’s girlfriend and said ‘ditch that jackass document scanner and get with a real man.” Just one of life’s little mysteries, I guess.)

12. Denver Broncos. Aaron Maybin. DE. Penn State.
A year later and nothing has changed. I still believe I can run for 125 yards on the Broncos. Acquiring crappy DeWayne Robertson wasn’t the answer, surprise! Maybin can play with his hand down or up, but is definitely a better 3-4 OLB prospect, which the Broncos will be switching to next season.

13. Washington Redskins. Michael Oher. OT. Ole Miss.
Like most bad teams the Redskins need help up front. They could select a DL, but Dan Snyder seems determined to let the world know the recession isn’t affecting him, so they go with the only player in the draft to be the subject of a book. After Oher the drop off on linemen is significant.

14. New Orleans Saints. Malcolm Jenkins. DB. Ohio State.
The Saints biggest concern is on defense. Especially on the corners where Jason David and Randall Gay are the starters. Bringing in Jenkins will add depth to a position that really needs it, given, of course, that Jenkins stays at corner as opposed to moving to safety.

15. Houston Texans. Brian Orakpo. DE. Texas.
The Texans need to get someone opposite of Mario Williams. Orakpo can come in right away and be a double digit sack guy for Houston, mainly because the double teams are going the other way. Plus, he may or may not carry chains everywhere he goes, like Hercules Hernandez, which is a nice bonus.

16. San Diego Chargers. Knowshon Moreno. RB. Georgia.
My original thought of keeping LT and letting Sproles walk obviously hasn’t played out. It also appears that LT may be sticking around now too. Despite the logjam, I think the Bolts go with Moreno as their featured back of the future.

17. New York Jets. Hakeem Nicks. WR. North Carolina.
Plain and simple, the Jets need a WR. Coles is now gone and Cotchery is a nice player but isn’t capable of being the #1 guy. Right now, Hicks is the receiver in the draft I like the most outside of Crabtree.

18. Chicago Bears. Jeremy Maclin. WR. Missouri.
The Bears best receiver is Devin Hester. A nice complimentary piece, definitely, but not a alpha receiver. Maclin fits the alpha mold and is too big of a talent to pass up a this point. The Bears deciding the Neckbeard is their man at QB might make all this moot.

19. Tampa Bay Bucs. Brian Cushing. LB. USC.
Yesterday, Tampa cut pretty much everyone on their roster except Sabby Piscitelli and Matt Bryant, so needless to say the Bucs have a few holes. They also have a ton of cap space, so many changes are clearly coming. I see them looking real hard at whatever QB du Jour is moving up the charts at the time, but instead electing to go with Cushing instead.

20. Detroit Lions (From Dallas). James Laurinaitis. ILB. Ohio State.
New coach Jim Schwartz goes defense with this pick by getting someone not named Paris Lenon to play alongside Ernie Sims. The Lions not only get themselves a solid player in Laurinaitis, but also the one-man Black Hole that is his father.

21. Philadelphia Eagles. Clay Matthews. LB. USC.
The Eagles have a solid MLB in Stewart Bradley. Their other LB’s are gross at best. I think Clay Matthews may have saved Mel Kiper’s first born (MKIII?) because he won’t shut the hell up about him right now.

22. Minnesota Vikings. Mark Sanchez. QB. USC.
Being able to sustain and protect a 20 point lead in the fourth quarter must not be high on the Vikings priority list, because they are apparently close to acquiring Sage Rosenfels. That’s clearly a temporary solution. I am not a huge fan of Sanchez or Stafford, but, I like Sanchez more then I like Stafford right now. I have a feeling that one of these QB’s is going to slip and Sanchez is unfortunately the odd man out right now. Speaking long term, I like the Josh Freeman or Curtis Painter more than both Stafford or Sanchez, however.

23. New England Patriots. Clint Sintim. LB. Virginia.
No one ever knows exactly who the Patriots are going to take and it kills me that they get a pass for being so secretive. I just wish they didn’t get lucky when they selected that arrogant cleft-chinned, super-modeling banging prick in the sixth round out of Michigan. It’s amazing how much I hate Mo Lewis now.

24. Atlanta Falcons. Peria Jerry. DT. Ole Miss.
The Falcons should look on the defensive side of the ball early in this draft, particularly on the interior D-line or at safety. Jerry isn’t the exciting pick but he can come in and create havoc inside while Abraham and Anderson do work on the outside. More importantly, this is also the time where I say I told you so about Matt Ryan.

25. Miami Dolphins. Tyson Jackson. DE. LSU.
I’ve seen it enough times that I am convinced that whoever Parcells drafts is inevitably going to be a great player. But even despite last year’s massive turnaround, Parcells will admit that the Dolphins still need a lot of improvement. Jackson will provide them with the type of versatility they will be looking for along the defensive line. He is 295 lbs and can play the DE or DT spot.

26. Baltimore Ravens. DJ Moore. DB. Vanderbilt.
Chris McCalister is now a former Raven leaving the Ravens extremely old and beat up at DB. I’m sure Ed Reed could play all four defensive back positions simultaneously, but Baltimore might want to play it safe and try to re-up their DB corp through the draft.

27. Indianapolis Colts. Ron Brace. DT. Boston College.
The Colts are a team that is going to have to look real hard in the direction they want to go. Marvin Harrison is gone, but they should be fine at WR. Personally, I can’t get past how bad this defense is. Basically, if Bob Sanders plays, they’re good, but when he takes December off due to injury, they’re abysmal. They need a big guy up front to clog the middle. If I am the Colts I go defense hard this draft because Peyton has proven to be able to throw to anyone and be successful.

28. Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina). LeSean McCoy. RB. Pittsburgh.
McCoy is my favorite back in this draft. I think he has the chance to be really special. He may start out as a 3rd down back and eventually move into the full time spot. The Eagles need help in other areas but I think it’s time to start thinking of a possible replacement for Westbrook. In my eyes there isn’t a RB in the draft who is more capable of that then McCoy.

29. New York Giants. Darrius Heyward-Bey. WR. Maryland.
Giants with a healthy, dominant WR: one of the better teams in the league. Giants with a bullet-riddled, dominant suspended WR: meh. The Giants need to give Eli a weapon before the smoke and mirrors that is his NFL competency is fully exposed.

30. Tennessee Titans. Alex Mack. C. California.
Since you come to small traffic sports blogs for your NFL Mock Draft needs, I’m going to do us both a favor and not explain why NFL teams value the center position. Mawae ain’t getting any younger and Mack looks like the best available, plus judging by his picture, the guy oozes personality.

31. Arizona Cardinals. Chris “Beanie” Wells. RB. Ohio State.
Edge is as good as gone, JJ Arrington is headed towards free agency, and Tim Hightower sucks so the Cardinals look at Beanie Wells to fill a major hole. This will also allow the Cards to use some money to re-sign God’s QB and some members of their D.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers. Duke Robinson. G. Oklahoma.
The Stelers got little or nothing from their first two picks from last draft, Rashard Mendenhall or Limas Sweed, so consider them found money. The Steelers are also probably the first team in NFL history to win a Super Bowl with a below average offensive line. If I’m running the Steelers, I take nothing but O-Lineman with every draft choice I have.