“I didn’t do anything in the first place, which is what I was trying to explain.”
1. Read from a piece of paper. Worked when you ran for class treasurer your freshman year in high school, will absolutely do the job now. When your public perception, legacy and overall credibility are all concurrently on the line, you want to make sure to give off the impression that these words are news to you as well.
2. The inflection in your voice when giving your apology should mimic that of a high school junior who was caught keying his principal’s car and was forced to apologize face to face by his parents.
3. Make up a nameless relative. It’s fine. People are conjured up out thin air all the time. Hell, OJ claimed he was with someone named Charlie the night of the murders, and this pales in comparison to that. Cousins are perfect. They are always messing everything up for their straight shooting relatives. Paulie from the Pope of Greenwich Village, Ziggy Sobotka, Leo’s cousin in the Departed who was also the crippled brother in Goodfellas. There’s plenty of precedence here.
“Are you going to stop injecting ‘Boli’ with your jerkoff cousin?!?!”
4. Claim you got the drug in the Dominican Republic. From what I gather, they didn’t begin to keep records on anything there until 2005. No paper trail. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if somewhere along the way you used the phrasing ‘known on the streets’ while looking befuddled.
5. Keep doing what you can to make it seem like six years ago was a different time and era despite the fact that anything that occurred while iPods were in existence should still be considered very recent history.
6. Stupid. Naive. Young. Amateur. Dumb. Ignorant. Dumb. Young. Stupid. Mistake. Naive. Stupid. Regret. Naive. (repeat)
7. Don’t forget to claim you ‘knew you weren’t taking Tic-Tacs’. This is in accordance with the deal MLB struck with the Tic Tac people stating that any player who gets caught and subsequently admits to steroid use should mention the candy by name when making any inevitable analogies. It’s a really genius marketing ploy.
8. When acknowledging your teammates,
(pause)
(shuffle around)
(bite lower lip)
(keep pausing)
(keeeeeeeeep pausing)
(Abrupt, perplexing cut to black)
(sip water for dramatic effect)
Thank them using the same enthusiasm as someone who thanks a judge immediately after they are sentenced to twenty years in prison with no chance of parole.
