I don’t have any photo/video evidence to prove it, but Eddy Curry played against Dallas last night.
According to the boxscore, he logged a grueling 2:38 of playing time.
In that lung-sapping stretch, he scored two points and chewed down two rebounds. EZ-Eddy also went 1-for-1 from the field, meaning he is tied atop the league in FG percentage. Thomas Gardner and Steven Hill, this is your fucking warning.
For Eddy, however, FG percentage and scoring were never a problem.
It was more about passing and shot-blocking.
In this regard, nothing came EZ for Eddy. He would rather be forced to watch “Notorious” in a “Clockwork Orange” manner than pass out of a double team, which is supported by last year’s putrid 0.5 assists per game average. He would rather play shirtless beach volleyball on Coney Island in a pair of Starbury’s than contest a shot in the paint.
Let’s put this into perspective: Eddy Curry blocked 29 shots in 1,530 minutes of action last year, which is approximately 13 less blocks than Alonzo Mourning. Zo — who played in a condition that would lead us to believe he was auditioning for Will Smith’s stunt double in “Seven Pounds” — logged 389 minutes.
ASLDKJF;LASKJKBGADLSFJA;LSDKJFL;AKSDG (Online FREAKOUT SPEAK, MAN)
Luckily, I was spared watching Eddy and thus destroying my new HDTV. Instead, I watched Tim Tebow win a national championship, while announcer Thom Brennaman pretended his mic was Tebow’s crucifix-and-balls and hummed — repeatedly.
Needless to say, there was a saving grace in the form of rat meat tacos, an obese Darryl Dawkins and a war torn Vlade Divac. This unsuspecting trio was paired up in a Taco Bell commercial — another example of these harsh economic times — and ran the court at a local Morgan Stanley.
During the pickup game Daryl recorded an assist and a block, which, quite fittingly, is more than Eddy has produced in 2009.
And that’s that!
You didn’t think I’d skip out on visual evidence twice, right?
Also, I have the original Taco Bell commercial. But you are going to have to jump for that free advertising, chachi.
