Tirico Suave

I may be a Lions fan, but I’m no dummy. I’ve never been to Detroit. Don’t plan on going any time soon. I mean, come on. But I have driven through Newark while listening to Popular Demand, so I get the jist. I am also a marginally athletic, pasty white dude and not one of the best wide receivers on the planet. I don’t belong there. You do, Plaxico.

Let’s face it. You’re days as a Giant are over. You got your ring. You don’t need that. What you need is to be adored all the while being left the hell alone by the media and all bloodsuckers alike. The Lions aren’t going to win a game this year. You come in and help them go 5-11, you’ll be to Motown what Fred Hoiberg is to Ames. Somebody has to clean that place up. So please, disregard the light ribbing, and allow me to lay out a few bullet points on why you should give Detroit serious consideration when selecting your next place of employment. Of course, this is contingent on you not going to prison. If that does happen, I’ll save you the embarrassment and pity and delete this post. But come on, Jayson Williams shot and killed someone else and the courts are having a shitload of trouble putting him away.

– Disregard everything that is happening this season. The Millen stink is still everywhere and it’s like 50 times more potent than the valet’s BO in that Seinfeld episode. At least let the franchise soak everything once or twice in tomato sauce.
– #1 pick. In like, every round. Nuckin’ futs.
– Without even playing a down, you’d would already be the third best player in team history. (The first two both being Barry Sanders.)
– I understand you’ve been labeled a clubhouse cancer. Yeah? The Lions are Chloe from Fight Club. Whatever you got can’t make things worse. At this point, the only thing they desire is the immediate thrills they used to take for granted.
– You would never see double coverage allowing Chubb Rock to drop back and air out balls to you and Calvin all day. The thought of this has me delirious. I’ll probably end up playing an entire Madden season tonight now with you as the Lions #2…did I say #2? Sorry, I meant 1.
- Your gunshot wound immediately endears you to the locals and makes you feel like you’re ‘one of their own’.
– Introducing the all-new 2009 Ford Plaxalade^TM.
- Because going to the Bengals would be hacky.
– I just really want to hear Eminem rhyme ‘Plaxico’ with ‘rip out Kim’s fallopian tubes with my penis’. Don’t worry. He’ll make it happen.
– The Raiders already have JaMarcus Russell. The Lions are the only other team that is going to be desperate enough to sign Michael Vick. And this much I guarantee: no one in the media is going to want to talk about your stupid perforated leg when the Dana White of the doggie underworld is sitting a few lockers down. And besides nobody cares about Detroit anyway, let alone the media. The last newspaper in Detroit folded in 1987. They’re not even getting high speed internet there until 2013. You’ll have your privacy.
– Because the following took place on opposite day: