I may be a Lions fan, but I’m no dummy. I’ve never been to Detroit. Don’t plan on going any time soon. I mean, come on. But I have driven through Newark while listening to Popular Demand, so I get the jist. I am also a marginally athletic, pasty white dude and not one of the best wide receivers on the planet. I don’t belong there. You do, Plaxico.
Let’s face it. You’re days as a Giant are over. You got your ring. You don’t need that. What you need is to be adored all the while being left the hell alone by the media and all bloodsuckers alike. The Lions aren’t going to win a game this year. You come in and help them go 5-11, you’ll be to Motown what Fred Hoiberg is to Ames. Somebody has to clean that place up. So please, disregard the light ribbing, and allow me to lay out a few
- Disregard everything that is happening this season. The Millen stink is still everywhere and it’s like 50 times more potent than the valet’s BO in that Seinfeld episode. At least let the franchise soak everything once or twice in tomato sauce.
- #1 pick. In like, every round. Nuckin’ futs.
- Without even playing a down, you’d would already be the third best player in team history. (The first two both being Barry Sanders.)
- I understand you’ve been labeled a clubhouse cancer. Yeah? The Lions are Chloe from Fight Club. Whatever you got can’t make things worse. At this point, the only thing they desire is the immediate thrills they used to take for granted.
- You would never see double coverage allowing Chubb Rock to drop back and air out balls to you and Calvin all day. The thought of this has me delirious. I’ll probably end up playing an entire Madden season tonight now with you as the Lions #2…did I say #2? Sorry, I meant 1.
- Your gunshot wound immediately endears you to the locals and makes you feel like you’re ‘one of their own’.
- Introducing the all-new 2009 Ford PlaxaladeTM.
- Because going to the Bengals would be hacky.
- I just really want to hear Eminem rhyme ‘Plaxico’ with ‘rip out Kim’s fallopian tubes with my penis’. Don’t worry. He’ll make it happen.
- The Raiders already have JaMarcus Russell. The Lions are the only other team that is going to be desperate enough to sign Michael Vick. And this much I guarantee: no one in the media is going to want to talk about your stupid perforated leg when the Dana White of the doggie underworld is sitting a few lockers down. And besides nobody cares about Detroit anyway, let alone the media. The last newspaper in Detroit folded in 1987. They’re not even getting high speed internet there until 2013. You’ll have your privacy.
- Because the following took place on opposite day:
9 responses so far ↓
1 Claus Vestergaard // Dec 2, 2008 at 5:46 am
Just stumbled across this site.
Fantastic content!! This write-up included!
KUTGW
[Reply]
2 David // Dec 2, 2008 at 7:42 am
Your a stupid racist idiot! I also am a white, but I have been to Detroit many times. People like you make it out to be soo bad. Is that why it was voted to have the Super Bowl? And this year the final four and next year the frozen four. Look the worst thing about Detroit is the economy. There are no longer weekly riots and it is not even the most dangerous city in America anymore. I think you should take your stupid white ass and dispose of your computer. Running across this post has made me a little dumber than I was when I woke up. People don’t get hurt in Detroit for nothing. They get caught saying stupid shit like you!
[Reply]
Harvey Bars Reply:
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
[Reply]
3 JP // Dec 2, 2008 at 7:43 am
Fantastic writing.
[Reply]
4 JP // Dec 2, 2008 at 7:51 am
Re: David….
lighten up. How are you going to call this content racist? Visiting Detroit a few times doens’t make you an expert on the city. I know for a fact there are still several places in Detroit that you will not want to be after the street lights come on. And the only reason Detroit got the Super Bowl is because they were trying to inject an “economic stimulus” to the region cuz their auto industry is collapsing and their foreclosure rate is tripling.
Enjoy the fact that Plax belongs in Detroit, and if your dumber now than after you woke up, you might want to go check into a home for retards.
[Reply]
5 David // Dec 2, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I will not lighten up. There are places in EVERY big city that you dont want to be when the street lights come on. And how is this idiot not a racist? He says that having a bullet hole would make you accepted. Thats retarded. Not only have not been to Detroit just a few times I have been there for years. I have cousins on 9 mile and Ryan, a place “white people shouldnt go” but I go and I am fine. This guy was an idiot for writing it and your an idiot for agreeing.
[Reply]
Harvey Bars Reply:
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I fully comprehend that there are white people who have been to, or even live in, Detroit that have never been shot, shot at, shot near or anything of the sorts. I’m simply trying to trick the Lions into paying for a flight a luxury seats for me and 4 friends to next year’s Thanksgiving game. I thought it would make for a nice human interest story. Besides, after this last decade, they owe it to me.
[Reply]
Losloseeboy Reply:
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Human interest . . .
ahahahahahahahahaha
[Reply]
The Sports Hernia Reply:
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
9 mile and Ryan?
Try moving back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara.
[Reply]
Leave a Comment