When we finally launch the Tirico Suave Network, this is the movie that will, without a doubt, play for 24 straight hours starting on Christmas Eve.
(’Paper Planes‘ by M.I.A. plays.)
“There it is! The holy grail of badass, club-going accessories! For weeks I had been scheming to get my mitts on one of these beauties!”
“I met coach Coughlin at his house to see if I could persuade him to allow me to get one. He paid little attention to my tale about grizzly bears in Polaski’s candy store and Mrs. Coughlin told me I’d shoot my leg out.”
“My annoying little quarterback Eli ate the whole thing up.”
“Why, they’ll be thanking me when the Black Bart Gang tries to invade our section of the club.”
“By the time the traveling secretary finished helping Eli get ready for our trip to Washington he looked like a tick ready to burst.”
“And boy were we ever lucky to be playing in Washington this week. The president agreed to
pardon Lawrence Tynes brother Mark, if Lawrence in turn agreed to stick his tongue to a frozen flagpole. During the pardon process George Bush said this:
‘Now I know that some of you put Mark up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I’m sure that the guilt you must feel would be far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don’t you feel terrible? Don’t you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that’s all I’m going to say about poor Mark.’ “
“Joey Porter…what a rotten name. He had yellow eyes. So God help me, he had yellow eyes! A that’s another reason I need a gun is for bullies like Joey Porter. If there’s one thing I learned in Pittsburgh was that Joey won’t shut up until someone puts one in his ass,
literally.”
“Bart Scott! The poor man’s wannabe Joey Porter! Mean, rotten, his lips curled over his green teeth!”
“Come on Eli, show coach how the piggies eat! Be a good boy! C’mon Eli! Eli, show coach how the piggies eat!”
“In a surprise ceremony, ownership gave coach Coughlin his bonus for winning last year’s Super Bowl in front of the whole team!”
“Coach said this was for being on time to our meeting, which somehow meant I was late, but I know it was for going to the media and telling them I had the right to carry a gun and the team wouldn’t allow me to have one.”
“They’ll be sorry one day.”
“Eli, what’s the matter? Whatcha cryin’ for?”
“Coach is gonna kill Plaxie!”
“No, he’s not.”
“Yes, he is too.”
“No he’s not. I promise you, coach is not going to kill Plaxie. Why don’t you come out of there? Want some milk?’
“I thought maybe I could tell Santa and Roger Goodell my side of the story. Santa said I’d shoot my leg out and suggested I carry around a football instead.”
“All Commissioner Goodell could muster was a frustrated ‘Come on, kid…..’ ”
“Denise, the wife of Giants owner/CEO John Mara had for years labored under the delusion that Plaxico was in fact a girls name.”
“Eli again ate this up.”
“Much to my surprise, coach Coughlin said I was a grown ass man and if I wanted to carry a gun, I was free. In fact, he said he had shot many a man himself in his time.”
“OH MY GOD! I SHOT MY LEG OUT!!!”
“Luckily, Antonio Pierce was there to clean me up, not dial 911 and even
hide the weapon.”
“
BUMPUSES!?!?!?!?”
“FA-RA-RA-RA-RA-RAA-RAA-RAA-RAA”
“Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest decision I ever made, or would ever make. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pringing ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots. Oh, and keeping guidos at bay in the VIP section of D’Jais.”
