Tirico Suave

One day you’re the league’s MVP, the next you’re let go so the team can add depth along the defensive line. Shaun Alexander’s second life starts today, and I’m here to guide him through the transition. And would you look at that, you didn’t accidentally grab Ryan Boschetti’s bags on your way out, so you’ve already got one in the plus column.

The first thing you should do, Shaun, is head to NBC Studios in New York. When Football Night In America is coming out of it’s first commercial break, walk on to the set, sit down and just inject yourself into the conversation. There’s so many people there now, no one will miss a beat and everyone will just assume you’re the latest retired running back to be added to the panel. Consider this your live on-air audition. And relax, you can’t be possibly be worse than Tiki is on live tv. Hell, sometimes all it takes is a perfectly chiseled cleft chin to set off the sprinklers of even the most steadfast of sideline reporters.

This is about creating opportunities. So while you’re there, head over to to Saturday Night Live set. The second anchor spot on Weekend Update just opened up. And hey, you never know, perhaps today’s the day that Lorne Michaels realizes Kenan Thompson is the unfunniest black man in America (yes, even less funny than Kel) and hires whomever in his vicinity as a replacement, regardless of how humorless you absolutely are. Trust me, this has to be happening one of these days.


Maybe television isn’t your thing. Maybe your face was made for the silver screen. Why don’t you and the also-pretty-much-unemployed Jon Kitna knock out that screenplay the two of you were always talking about collaborating on?

A lot of people think print media is dying but everyone still loves a good magazine. Take a more behind the scenes approach, launch one and serve as your own editor.

Whatever you choose to do, even if it’s just loafing around and occasionally bugging Seal to hang out, you’re going to have to generate some sort of revenue. Luckily, for you there are always endorsements readily available for former NFL MVPs. You may feel like a bit of a shill, but many ex-running backs, even ones of much greater talent, have gone down this route. It’s easy cash.

If none of these options are to your liking, then I don’t know what to tell you Shaun. I mean, you could always pen a weekly, even monthly column for us. You could even show up once a year, post a funny picture of Al Davis, then retreat back to your cave in Philadelphia or where ever it is that you may reside. We won’t judge. I’ll just leave that offer on the table. I know it’s not much but we have like ads and everything and it’s certainly better than what I resort to in order to come up with a little extra scratch every now and then.