Why Can’t I Have Friends Like These?
Posted by Harvey Bars · November 24th, 2008 ·
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I wish I had never come across
this article:
One man showed up at a federal building, asking for release from the reality show he was sure was being made of his life.
Another was convinced his every move was secretly being filmed for a TV contest. A third believed everything _ the news, his psychiatrists, the drugs they prescribed _ was part of a phony, stage-set world with him as the involuntary star, like the 1998 movie “The Truman Show.”
Researchers have begun documenting what they dub the “Truman syndrome,” a delusion afflicting people who are convinced that their lives are secretly playing out on a reality TV show. Scientists say the disorder underscores the influence pop culture can have on mental conditions.
First off, let me just say, I’m not all too familiar with this so called Truman Syndrome, but it sounds eerily similar to a situation I recall from the mid-80s when legions of high school girls began to dress in an fairly androgynous manner, then transferred schools and where they pretended to be boys, a condition that would later come to be diagnosed, of course, as ‘Just One Of The Guys’ disorder.
And secondly…..my stars, do you have any idea how fingerbangingly awesome it would be to have one of these bottomless abysses of entertainment as part of your inner circle? That’s pure, uncut, 100% pure Schadenfreude™ right there. I’m blind with glee just thinking about the possibilities.
Sadly, I don’t think anyone I know suffers from this (yet), but if any of you out there are more fortunate than myself, here’s just some of the things you could do to keep yourself entertained:
Abruptly end all conversations the moment they enter the room.
Leave a boom mic in the backseat of your car. When they see it, tell them it’s for work. I don’t care if you’re a claims adjuster, hot dog vendor or silent film director. Doesn’t matter.
Routinely buy randoms at the bar drinks if they go up to your friend and slur out something like “Hey…you….yeah….just keep doing what you’re doing, but different. You’re winning, but not by much. I have to go” and then pay to have someone else quickly escort that person away.
If you share a room with them, buy this poster and cut out the eyes.
Create a Wikipedia page detailing their show and let them accidentally find it somehow. Don’t worry, it’ll be erased in a day.
Periodically have Johnny Fairplay, a few of the Flavor/Rock of Love trolls, and this Mark Wahlberg stop by for no reason. Clearing their schedules won’t be a problem and they might even waive any appearance fees as well if you let them believe there really are cameras filming everything as well. Trust me. This works. I gave Verne Troyer $12.75 and a 40 of Steel Reserve and he’s been pissing in the corner of my room for the last two hours. Sometimes all it takes is initiative.
Rent a shore house with like eight or ten of your friends that they don’t know and tell them they can also stay with you if they’d like, for free. Then once a week, have someone move out. When they ask why people keep leaving, give them reasons like “The other guy had immunity” and “Fan vote”. Never elaborate.
After the death of a mutual friend, purposely let them overhear a conversation you’re having where you say “I don’t care if their character peaked two seasons ago, this isn’t right!!”
Whenever they say something like “I just got out of the shower” or “I’m making myself a sandwich” always answer “I know”. When they say ask you what you just said, say “Oh..nothing”.
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