I wrote this partly because there are fewer things more compelling in life than listening to some random dude go on and on about their fantasy leagues and partly because I’m a little overworked and annoyed today. So please, sit back for a moment while I place this soapbox on my high horse and allow me to gripe about the rules and settings of fantasy football leagues that piss me off to no end make me go all Chet Ward on the league’s commissioner and/or owners.
I hate your league because:
1. It’s Not An IDP League.
Do you participate in baseball leagues where you draft entire pitching staffs instead of individual hurlers? No? Then why do you lump together half of the league for your football draft? Sac the fuck up and learn the other side of the ball. Side note: a buddy recently suggested to me that he’d love to a league where you draft IDP players and team offense. Now that’s something someone should put together.
2. It’s Not A PPR League and/or QB’s Only Get 4 Pts. Per TD.
This is somewhat related to a bigger problem I refer to as “Blowing The Running Back”, an illness that affects a good amount of roto guys out there. I firmly believe fantasy leagues scoring systems should reflect the actual league as much as humanly possible. For example, the QB should be the highest scoring position, not RB’s, although a focus on the latter is beaten into your head from the time you pickup your first fantasy mag. RBBC are almost the standard now, yet most leagues scoring system are still weighted to favor backs. PPR alleviates some of this by making the value of guys like Brandon Marshall and Wes Welker closer to their real value. And the double bonus is that is further rewards all-purpose backs like LT and Westbrook who catch a fair amount of balls out of the backfield.
The biggest gripe I hear about this is “I hate fucking losing because Derrick Mason had 10 catches for 50 yards.” I didn’t pick Mason as just an example. EVERYONE ALWAYS MENTIONS DERRICK MASON in this situation. My retort to that is I’d rather lose to a guy who’s a number #1 WR on a playoff caliber team who’s consistently targeted 15-20 times a game than lose to the guy who grabs Fred Jackson off the waiver wire out of desperation and it’s the week he vultures three TDs.
Oh, and four points for QB touchdowns is downright retarded.
3. Guys On Waivers Can’t Be Picked Up First Come First Serve
I’ve never liked this because I feel this punishes those who really pay attention to the league while helping the guy who “works 70 hours a week and doesn’t have time to constantly check breaking news”. Awwww, boo-godeffing-hoo, you poor douchey jackass. I will admit this caveat made more sense a few years back but now with the emergence of iPhones, BlackBerries (berrys?), and cheaper laptops, etc., I think it’s safe to assume that the majority of people who can afford to drop a couple hundred bucks on the league entry fee probably have access to the internet 75% of the time, and I think I’m being conservative there. Plus, first come first serve adds a little gamesmanship to the league as well. And yes, I am clearly biased here due to my Ripkenesque streak of consecutive days lived without at least going on the internet at least one time’.
4. There Are More Than 10-12 Owners In The League.
10 is ideal. 12 is tolerable. Anything after that is too much. Yes there’s money involved, but one of the main reasons I, and I’m sure many of you, participate in fantasy leagues is that it gives you a good reason to watch shitty games without having to put $500 down on the Bengals (-7) over the Lions. That still doesn’t mean I like having to plug in Leon Washington or Pierre Thomas and hope this is the week they’re serviceable. Not to mention, the more owners in the league, the harder it is to compensate for an injury to one of your studs, and the outcome of the league will be left more to luck rather than skill. Not everyone at Tirico Suave feels this way though. Email rogerdorn@tiricosuave.com if you’d like to participate in a league that includes his third grade gym teacher and the RA from college he once had a four minute conversation with in 1999.
I’m all for deep leagues. Just expand the ten existing rosters to 30 players. If you want to make the playoffs even more challenging, make teams start their entire roster in the playoffs and cut off waivers.
5. More Than Half The Owners In The League Have Partners
I’m in one league where I have a partner, TS’s own Lord of the List, White Velvet and it works out because we’ve known each other for a while now and have similar philosophies. Plus, he’s fairly passive, so he plays along me when I spit out my bullish annual statements such as “We have to grab Chris Henry if he comes back to us. I think he’s going to have an awesomely massive year once he returns from suspension.” Fiscal situations aside, I’d say, yes ideally, it’s better and much easier when you’re on your own. Not to mention it’s mind-numbingly painful to have to try to negotiate trades with teams that have two or more owners. There’s no experience quite like going over the parameters of a deal for however long, with all the e-mailing, posturing, cursing and team/wife/personal appearance bashing and what not to then finally coming to some sort of compromise, only to have to person’s partner come on and completely shoot everything down.
