New York Jets safety Eric Smith one-upped folksy prankster Brett Favre on Thursday, leaving a human spine in kicker Mike Nugent’s locker.
Smith, who was suspended one game and fined $50,000 after breaking Anquan Boldin’s snot bone in Week 4, said it was more of a statement than a joke.
“Mike lost his spine down in Miami, everyone knows that,” Smith said. “I’m just giving him the option of a new one, that’s all.”
Nugent, a senseless second-round draft pick from Swing State University, injured his thigh on a kickoff against the Dolphins in Week 1. He would go on to miss a chip shot field goal and whimper through an extra point before giving way to Brett Favre’s bursting-at-the-seams ball sack.
“Eric isn’t inside my thigh, so he doesn’t know the pain,” Nugent said. “Plus, the spine is kind of cool. My favorite movie is Donnie Darko.”
If there’s one person that knows immeasurable thigh pain, it’s special teams coach Mike Westhoff.
After getting diagnosed with bone cancer in his left femur 20 years ago, Westhoff had a cadaver bone inserted into the leg. Since the initial cut, he’s undergone nine follow-up surgeries to repair multiple fractures in the zombie bone.
In Feburary, Westhoff finally got with the times, upgrading to robot status with a replacement titanium rod. The T-2 transformation was supposed to sideline him for the entire season, but the 60-year old recovered in half the time.
“When you look up Nugent’s name in the dictionary, there is a picture of a gaping apple pie,” Westhoff said. “In fact, I’d bet my right leg that damn cadaver was from a deceased Nugent.”
According to aggregated medical records, Smith stole the spine from New York Presbyterian Hospital. He was at the hospital on Tuesday to sell off his kindey.
The third-year safety out of Michigan State said the steep fine, lost game check ($26,000) and feces covered economy made his piss-purifier expendable.
“And, really, Mike needs a spine more than I need a kidney,” Smith said. “If I go back to donate my spleen, I’ll look into a new clit for Coach Mangini.”
