Much like naming the inexperienced MILF governor of a kinda-state as your VP candidate, this notion began as a drunken thought one night at the bars. Usually those thoughts waste away quickly, but this one stuck with me. Knowing that blind murderous rage is the byproduct of being truly wronged, I decided to make that the prerequisite when filling out this deadly lineup card. I’m not really sure who my targets would be, I just know I’d be happy to have this murder squad at my disposal.
Margo Dydek - I guess the WNBA’s tallest player has not been wronged that badly, but still, life can’t be that easy. She is Polish, so she has to deal with hacky screen door on a submarine jokes. On top of that, she was declared a two diamond prostitute in Tirico Suave’s most underrated article. And if Deuce Bigelow has taught us anything, dating is always tough for extremely tall women. Margo would be the least subtle of my killing crew. A 7′2” woman beating you to death really sends a message
Alex Smith - I truly believe that Alex Smith will be a capable QB one day. Alex will be wronged this offseason by the 49ers once he finishes rehabbing his broken shoulder. And then of course, there are his absolutely adorable hands, which are so freakishly small that they have become the measuring stick for other tiny appendaged QB’s. It will be sweet revenge when those muffin stumps are ripping peoples hearts out of their chests, a la Kano.
Jeff Garcia - Jeff has had an admirable career. After a good run at San Jose State, he joined the Calgary Stampede as a third string QB. From there, he worked his way to the NFL, becoming a fantasy monster in 2000 and 2001. He has played for a number of teams since then, playing efficiently and often making playoff runs. But there’s that specific rumor that has always dogged him. A rumor that even a super hot beard in the form of Carmella DeCesare could not quell. The rumor that Terrell Owens lent credence to (in a famous interview by Yardbarker’s own, Dewey Hammond nonetheless) and still rambles on about to this day. I’ll use the rage generated Garcia’s repressed homosexuality as the ultimate weapon against my enemies.
Matt Murton - Though he is the impetus for one of my favorite blogs, there’s litte or no doubt that Matt has been wronged. Dusty Baker started it, Lou Piniella continued it and hopefully, Billy Beane ends it. Despite being a career .288 hitter with good on base skills and fine numbers against lefties, Matt has been routinely platooned, then sent to the minors. Matt is a ginger and has no soul, so he turning him into a callous killing machine should prove to be an easy task. He’d be especially utilized when I wanted to off other Gingers, since he would be immune to their powers.
A Zombiefied Yinka Dare - Yinka didn’t pick up a basketball until he was 19 years old. He was sitting on a park bench when a Nigerian lawyer spotted him and brought him to America. Three years later, he was in the NBA, piling up the zeroes in the assist column. Yinka was initially wronged by Willis Reed’s great expectations. He was then wronged by the unfortunate nickname, Stinka Dare. Finally, Yinka was wronged by death. In life, Yinka was very stoppable. In death, he won’t be.
