News of Queens man Brad Campeau-Laurion getting booted from Yankee Stadium isn’t exactly shocking to New Yorkers.
If you’ve ever been to a Yankees game, it is impossible to ignore the uneasy sense of nationalism wafting in the air. The real sickos break out American flags — who the fuck carries a flag around? — and get that stoic look on their faces.
It’s just a completely awkward moment for any free-thinker. But it doesn’t have to be. We should be able to feel good about America without being forced to listen to Kate Smith — who Steinbrenner may, or may not have, DP’d with Reggie Jackson — bellow out a dog shit 1927 recording.
And that’s the crux of the issue: the horrible song choice.
You want people to remain seated, George? Play a better god damn song. I bet Campeau-Laurion (that French name is going to get you Sacco and Vanzetti’d) wanted to get all patriotic, but the song just didn’t tickle his patriotic soft spot.
Luckily, I’m here to help George pick out a new song.
Lee Greenwood - “God Bless the USA”
This song has a soul. It may have horrible lyrics and been whored around in a commercial, but Greenwood is singing it with conviction. Plus, there is at least one fist-pumping moment — which is essential in nationalism — right at the “stand up!” part.
Artist unknown (due to embarrassment) — “I am a real American”
Hulk Hogan is quite possibly the realest “real American” in America.
Simon and Garfunkel — “America”
This song has the heart of a beatnik and the spine of a truck driver. Two New York Jews singing about America is about as New York as it gets. Plus, the “Jersey turnpike” lyric would undoubtedly get cheers from the greasers.
Bruce Springsteen — “41 shots”
Actually, this one might not go over well with the NYPD.
Bruce Springsteen — “Born In The USA”
This is more like it. The Ronald Regan voters are suckered in by the driving beat of the song, feeling so good to be “Born in the USA!” After all, how could such an upbeat pump-up song be about the Vietnam war?
Those that know the latent meaning behind the song can revel in the protest nature, getting just as high off the buzz as the patriots.
Seriously, this song is the perfect compromise for everyone.
