Tirico Suave

Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian was not too pleased with winning the bronze medal and proceeded to make a scene at the podium. You can read about it here if you’re the kind of person who’s into ‘facts’. But the first thing I was taught at Blogosphere A&M was that facts are boring and irrelevant. So allow me to give my account of what happened:

The crowd in Beijing was buzzing with anticipation for the first ever Olympic Greco Roman three way elimination winner take all match. Suddenly, the lights go out and Abrahamian’s entrance music hits as he enters the arena to a chorus of boos. Abrahamian, wearing a custom made ‘Free Tibet’ hockey jersey and armed with a microphone, made his way onto the mat, where one of his opponents, Hungary’s Zoltan Fodor, widely regarded as a jobber, was already present. Always the antagonist, the Swede proceeded to draw some cheap heat by making a few smog jokes and feigning ignorance as to why the Spanish basketball team was getting such grief for what appeared to him to be a fairly accurate impression of the Chinese people. Just as Abrahamian was about to urinate in some Chinese fan’s coke “as a symbol of retribution”, Italian wrestler Andrea Minguzzi’s music played and he sprinted to the mat and proceeded to clean house.

At the ten minute mark, an unlikely allegiance occurred as it appeared that Minguzzi and Abrahamian had temporarily put their differences aside in an effort to eliminate a surprisingly resilient Fodor. A backbreaker followed by nearly flawless Doomsday Device seemed to mark the end for Fodor but as Abrahamian celebrated, the ‘Guzz quickly ended his new found friendship by planting a Ghetto Buster to back of the Swedish Wolverine’s head. The ol’ double cross! The Italian Stallion (a required nickname for all Italian grapplers) covered both Fodor and Abrahamian for the easy victory and the gold medal.

Abrahamian was not finished however. After regaining consciousness in the midst of medal ceremony, the still dizzied Swede headed to the podium and proceeded to dropkick the elated Minguzzi in the back, knocking him off the apron and onto the floor. With the stage to himself, Abrahamian took his consolation bronze medal and placed it in the middle of the mat. He then went over and grabbed the Italian’s prize which for this event, and this event only was a seven foot standing trophy (courtesy of the fine folks at Little Falls Trophy) and smashed it into thousand pieces. With the crowd now seemingly championing his every move, Abrahamian went to the IOC chairman and spit in his face, the culmination of an event that would come to be known as the “Beijing Screwjob”.

Freddie Prinze Jr. ain’t got shit on me.