Tirico Suave

The 85-year-old Bronx resident finally started to show signs of age on Tuesday evening.

He said the raucous All-Star weekend, which brought in guests from around the globe, took quite the toll on his health.

“I had that weekend off for the last 31 years,” he said. “It was utterly ridiculous to think I could play host to such an event at my age — especially on three days rest.”

Speaking in a thick Italian accent, he continued to go on about his deteriorating condition.

“My replacement hip [which he received in '74] has rotted like Rod Carew’s tobacco stained teeth. How do you think it felt getting pelted by 35 Josh Hamilton Jesus bombs? Everyone just sat in awe, jaws gaped, as this modern day Crusader relived some crack-fueled fantasy. Well, it really fucking hurt.”

Besides the All-Star fiasco, there is the Yankees Countdown Sign, which, according to him, is a cruel and haughty joke being played by The Boss.

“Look, I know my days are numbered and, quite frankly, I shouldn’t be one to complain. After all, I’ve had all sorts of ass like Marilyn Monroe and Madonna sitting on my lap. But, really, I don’t need an end of days, demolition sign plastered onto my body. I know my expiration date is soon. It’s no secret that George is waiting to blow me up like some kid on Chinese New Year.”

With September 21 — the last regular season game in Yankee Stadium — inching closer, he is boycotting any possible beautification remedies.

“I won’t take any god damn Rogaine to spruce up an already defeated soul. It’s time to let my outside reveal what my insides have been feeling all year.”