Hello, my name is Jimbuktu. I’m new here. My aim is to entertain you. So, without further ado, here’s a little ditty I worked up for y’all out there …
I know I’m not the only that was watching the All-Star game and made the connection between Dan Uggla and the dumb-as-rocks “MATT DAMON” marionette from Team America: World Police. His multiple errors, free-swinging/missing, and vacant stare led me to believe that the Marlin couldn’t have a vocabulary beyond the words “DAN” and “UGGLA”. OK, I’m actually going to go out on a limb and say he probably has “BASE-BALL”, and “HIT” in his vernacular, but that’s it. His day-to-day existence must go something like this:
In the clubhouse
Hanley Ramirez: ¿Qué Pasa, Uggla?
Dan Uggla: DAN UGGLA.
Hanley Ramirez: Tu madre esta una perra.
Dan Uggla: UGGLA.
At the Grocery Store
Cashier: OK, 17 packages of Jimmy Dean sausages and some Oscar Meyer Corndogs, that will be $52.17
Dan Uggla: UGGLA HIT BASE-BALL.
Cashier: You have to pay for it, sir.
Dan Uggla: DAN UGGLA.
In bed with a prostitute
Hooker: How do you want it, big guy?
Dan Uggla: DAN UGGLA.
Hooker: Oh, you like it when I scream your name?
Dan Uggla: BASE-BALL.
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Speaking of the All-Star game, I was “fortunate” enough to catch a portion of the All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game the other night. As per usual, Billy Crystal was out there gallivanting around the diamond like some type of baseball Jesus. Dammit, I just want to slap the taste out of that fuckbag’s mouth. If I ever see Crystal in person, I’ll be sure to give him the Judith Light “Lifetime Network” treatment and throw him down a flight of stairs.
Crystal’s painfully unfunny cohort also participated. Yes, none other than Whoopi Goldberg was taking rips and sashaying around the bases. But, there was something strange about the ESPN telecast during one of Whoopi’s at bats. When they showed her swinging the bat, they put a stat on the screen that read, “First female to host Academy Awards (1994)”. I dunno, I just thought it was odd that they went with “first female” as opposed to “first tarantula to host Academy Awards”. To me, that seems to be the far more interesting tidbit.
AJ Calloway from “106 and Park” was also in attendance. I still have no clue who AJ or what “106 and Park” is. This is upsetting to me, because, as an avid watcher of “Family Matters”, I thought I was down with black culture. I guess I was mistaken. Somewhere, someplace, Harriet Winslow is probably grimacing and sending a sassy “MMHMM!” my way. I’m sorry Harriet, I’m sorry! I swear I’ll take little Richie to get his jheri curl spruced up tomorrow!
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While I’m on the topic of 90’s sitcoms, I’m going to have to make a brief pit stop in “Home Improvement” territory. I’m lucky enough to make it home for lunch everyday, and my new obsession is watching the old episodes they play between noon and 1 p.m.
And I’ll tell you what. It don’t get much better than when the Taylor house is free of the children and Jill and Tim start lobbing sexual advances at one another. Man, nothing gets my engine revved more than the thought of those two mid-coitus. Just imagine Jill’s husky voice and the two doing the vintage “Oh! Oh! Oh!” grunt in unison while connected doggie-style. DAMN! I don’t think any of this is weird, but then again I’m the guy that would “White Out” Pamela Anderson’s bikini from a magazine pictorial during my pubescence stage, and then subsequently color in the whited out portion (the boobies) with a peach crayon and draw nips on with a pen to try and create a “nude effect”. I was a true artiste.
Just sayin’.
Oh, and just one more “Home Improvement” note. You know — YOU KNOW — that Mark, the youngest of the Taylor children, had to have been conceived anally. Just look at his face during the later seasons. The proof is in the pudding.
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It’s a question you always hear in life. If you could invite someone from any point in time to dinner, who would it be? 
People tend to give cliche answers like “Jesus”, “Martin Luther King Jr.” or “Splinter, the talking rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, but not me, no sir. I’d invite former New York Knickerbocker Anthony Mason to my special soiree. What can I say, I was just always a fan of how he scripted phrases like “In God We Trust” and “Back to D” into his scalp. Just for my own personal enjoyment, I’d try to convince Mase to bring back the old school style with some new designs. My suggestion to him would be to carve out a portrait of actor/comedian extraordinaire Sinbad on the side of his head, if for no other reason than the fact that it would be MOTHERFUCKING EXCELLENT.
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Like many, I was shocked to see the Brett Favre interview with Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren. I just couldn’t believe that Van Susteren took five minutes away from the Natalee Holloway case. She’s only be covering the Aruban mystery for three whole years now. What if Holloway’s murderer came forward while Van Susteren was spending time with Favre? Priorities, Greta. Priorities!
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Anyone else get the sneaking suspicion that Peter Gammons died last year and was replaced with a puppet or some other type of Muppetry voodoo from the Jim Henson Creature Shop? He just looks too much like something from the Marlon Brando/Val Kilmer remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau. Not buying it, ESPN. The whole ruse reminds me of how Vince McMahon replaced the Razor Ramon and Diesel characters with fucking jobbers when Scott Hall and Kevin Nash left the WWF in the mid-90s.
And — if Gammons was indeed replaced by a Muppet — it wouldn’t be that surprising since it’s not like they’ve been awfully busy as of late. Last I heard, Ms. Piggy was giving dome for $10 a pop and Gonzo was working 3rd grade birthday parties a la Ray Stantz and my boy Winston Zeddemore in Ghostbusters 2. I just hope poor Gonzo isn’t getting the “we want He-Man!” treatment. What a bunch of insufferable pricks those kids were.
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I think the whole “Tim Donaghy made 134 calls to another official during one NBA season” evidence is kind of misleading. You have to believe that at least 25 percent of the calls were just to talk smack behind Popeye Jones’ back.
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Alright folks, that’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed this piece of work and I look forward to becoming a frequent contributor to this fine blog here. My only hope is that people don’t think I’m some oddity leftover from the 1990s. You know, like condoms.
