NEW YORK — Clay Council’s “country strong” right arm turned into “city cellulite” on Monday evening in the Bronx.
The 71-year-old North Carolina native — who was pitching to Texas’ Josh Hamilton in the 2008 Bloodsucking Insurance Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium — said he felt a twinge in his right elbow midway through the second round.
After being examined by the Yankees medical staff, it was determined that Council’s ulnar collateral ligament was shredded like pulled pork.
“It would look tasty on a roll with coleslaw, but it might make Doctor [James] Andrews hurl, ” admitted Yankees physician Ruben Rubinstein.
Andrews, who was still busy reconstructing Shaunie O’Neal’s cervix, couldn’t be reached for comment. However, Rubinstein said the injury would require surgery.
“Josh is addicted to crack and Jesus like I’m addicted to pitching BP,” a visibly distraught Council said. “What am I supposed to do now?”
ESPN analyst Joe Morgan said he saw something in Council’s delivery that might have caused the injury.
“The ball just wasn’t coming out smooth,” Morgan hypothesized.
ESPN utility fraud Rick Reilly questioned whether Council would ever take the mound again.
“Tendons are a fragile part of any guy’s body — let alone a guy who is one bad trip down the stairs from life in a nursing home,” Reilly surmised. “On top of it all, HE’S WHITE. Throw a black or latino tendon into the mix and maybe, just maybe, the doctor can find something to work with.”
Council said both of his hamstrings are as tattered and stretched as century-old beef jerky, so it is still unknown where the replacement tendon will come from.
Looking at the tape, it appeared Council grimaced on the 71st pitch — his exact age. As Hamilton blasted the offering deep into the lawless NYC air, Council could be seen stomping on his dentures, which he had ripped out and thrown onto the mound in pain.
“I peered up and saw Jesus cradle the ball into the hands of the faithless,” Hamilton said of the homer that landed deep in the upper deck. “Then I saw the hurt in Clay’s eyes and realized that the devil walks amongst us.”
The eerie coincidence of the No. 71 cast a dark shadow on an evening that was otherwise counterfeit for the Religious Right.
Hamilton, overcoming the urge to star as Jared Leto in “Requiem For A Dream,” had a memorable evening. With music from “The Natural” blaring over the PA, he hit a record-setting 28 first-round homers. The guidos in the bleachers traded in their Budweisers for Costco-sized sleeves of Eucharists, which they manically funneled.
“This God stuff is real, bro,” said Mikey Pizaaelliangelo, a 21-year-old from Pelham.
With every blast that Hamilton hit, Reggie Jackson’s ego could be seen deflating like a stale parade balloon.
“I was happy for the kid,” Jackson said, “but can you believe that he actually graduated the DARE program?”
Like Jesus would if he ever got his dick wet, Hamilton blew his load early. He tapered off in the second and third rounds, eventually succumbing to Justin Morneau.
When questioned whether or not Council’s pitching was a problem in the third round, Hamilton was brutally honest.
“Christ was actually inside Clay’s body during the first round, but he left after sensing an evilness creeping in. Clay was talking about hitting vintage peep shows — the crustier, the better — but I didn’t know that he really meant it. He was already sporting a semi, ogling Ms. Andrews. All I can say is that the devil took over his mind, so I can only pray for him.”
Council, meanwhile, was in soul-searching mode. Long after the lights had been turned off, he could be seen putting baseballs on a rubber tee at home plate.
“This is the first step in a long recovery, so let’s hope Jesus is still a fan of home runs and the white man next season,” Council said.
