Tirico Suave

Take a gander at this article from the Chicago Bears website. It’s an interview with OC Ron Turner discussing the offseason position battle between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton. The answers Turner gives seem a little too wide-eyed, glass-is-half full for someone who has been fully entrenched in the two headed QB shitstorm that has been the Chicago Bears offense over the last few years. So allow us here at Tirico Suave to give Ron a platform to answer these same questions honestly, without fear of repercussion.

What were your impressions of how Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton performed during offseason workouts?
Ron Turner: My impressions? What do you think my impressions were? As if one or both of them went home in December after the season ended and read Seven Habits Of Non Shitty Quarterbacks?

Did one of them outperform the other even to a small degree, or are they completely even going into training camp?
RT: Ugh…fuck…picture putting a ball in the center of giant empty room and then dumping two quadriplegics out of their wheelchairs and explaining to them that the only way they’d be placed back into their chairs and fed again was if they were to reach the ball. Then 72 hours later you came back and one of them hadn’t moved at all and was just drooling and flailing around all willy nilly while the other somehow managed to sashay themselves three inches closer than their original position. That one’s Rex.

How will the competition for the starting job be conducted in training camp?
RT: Since judging them based solely on the possession of useful football skills hasn’t gotten us anywhere the last few years, I’m thinking of going by height, or maybe alphabetical by blood type. I caught some of this dating program my son was watching on MTV the other day and this Filipino or something or another broad who sort of looks like one of those Furbies was making these people eat pig vaginas and whoever ate the most ended up winning a date with her. I think that would be fun to watch if nothing else. I’ll have to run it by Lovie.

What must Rex or Kyle do to win the job?
RT: I think the real question here is what do these two assholes have to do to get cut? For tit’s sake, after one loss Rex said he couldn’t focus because it was New Year’s fucking Eve. And Kyle? Jesus don’t get me started on drunken neckbearded exploits. Did you watch this year’s draft? I did. Do you know who we selected? A TACKLE! We’re actually protecting these douchenozzels now! The fuck?!? We should praying on every single play that we’d be fortunate enough for either of them to break their leg, not doing what we can to prevent that.

Is it important to choose a starter early or are you OK with the competition going deep into the preseason?
RT: The preseason is without question my favorite time of the year. I wish it never ended. Whenever we put Rex or Kyle out there against 7th string guys and future contestants from Pros Vs. Joes, they are look unstoppable and for a brief glimmer of a nanosecond I feel like I’m part of real life NFL offense. It’s nice.

What must the quarterback position do better than last season?
RT: Give the appearance that they belong on a football field, the way those dogs who are trained to grab the tees do.

Were you impressed by the way Rex performed during offseason workouts?
RT: Yes. (pauses) Nah, I’m just fucking with you. He’s terrible but what do I know? I’ve been with Chicago on two different occasions, totaling seven seasons. I’ve had seven different primary QB’s during that time: Rex, Orton, Brian Griese, Dave Krieg, Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh and Jim Harbaugh. To me, productive, functional QBs are like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but I have to admit, from I’ve everything I’ve seen or heard, they seem wonderful.

What’s the focus with Rex heading into training camp?
RT: I did have me one bright idea this offseason. After the fallout with Cedric, a light bulb went off. If a DWI/BWI combo meal was all it took for a player to be cut from the Bears organization, then that’s what I’ll do. So out of my own pocket, I bought Rex and Kyle a pickup truck, a modest 20 foot boat and a summer’s worth of liquor. But of course it backfired. I don’t know what type of compromising photos the two of them have on Lovie, but I’m pretty sure they’re impervious to release. I mean, look at how the show up to work every day now.



What impressed you about the way Kyle performed during offseason workouts?
RT: I do have to say, he’s actually more accurate with a fifth of 99 Bananas in him.

How would you assess rookie quarterbacks Caleb Hanie and Nick Hill?
RT: Like I have with anyone else who is only good enough to be Kyle Orton’s backup. I tell them the quicker they can cozy up to the idea of someday playing for the New Orleans VooDoo, the better off it is for their careers.

What are their strengths?
RT: Caleb owns a Wii which he brings in on off days. Nick seems very easy to release. Always a plus around here.

Do you envision one of the rookies serving as the No. 3 quarterback this season?
RT: I guess. Maybe. I don’t know. In all honesty, if I’m ever in a position like that where were using someone worse than Rex and Kyle in a real game situation, my brother Norv and I split an order of cyanide capsules off eBay because that’s certainly not a world I want to live in.