“I’ve traveled all over our country to be here tonight. So,
“I do my own grooming. I don’t lose food in my lip spinach and spend hours fishing for crumbs; I don’t botch the edges and am not above the occsaional dye job. I’m a family man. This is my brother and my partner, J.D. Giambi. We offer you the bond of family that very few mustache men can understand. I’m fixed like no other athlete in this field and that’s because my thick and lustrous soup strainer has just come in. I have a string of tools and accessories all ready to work. I can apply a generous amount of Colonel Conk condtioner and have it in there for a week. I have business connections so I can get the Lucky Tiger wax for the ends; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start growing and put up the ’stache to back my word. I assure you, whatever the other reformed cheaters promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there… “
