Tirico Suave

New York Mets manager Jerry Manuel, who is kind of like a hipster version of Ozzie Guillen, has a lot of fun playing with metaphors.

Most recently, he referred to the Mets’ fan base as fertilizer.

I was a fan of the statement, and thought it sounded more like something Ken Kesey would’ve written in one of his pastoral themed short stories.

To keep Manuel’s aesthetic vibe going, I decided to craft a piece about, well, flowers.

Jerry calls the fans fertilizer, so I call Aaron Heilman a pussy willow.

Fair enough, right?

OK, here goes . . .

Carlos Delgado - Poppy

The poppy has a rich red color, which perfectly aligns with the political roots of Delgado’s social activism. Much like Carlos’s career, the poppy is synonymous with death. According to wiki, the poppy is often inscribed on tombstones to symbolize the “eternal sleep.” Carlos’s bat — much like the lightning bolt on Robert Redford’s “Wonderboy” — is rumored to have a poppy emblazoned right on the barrel with the words “dreamweaver.”

Jose Reyes - Carnation

Jose gets on base and hears the bastardized ole chant boom throughout the stadium. He is clapping his hands, wiggling his hips and kicking up dust in the air. Why does he do this, you ask? Well, the carnation denotes impulsiveness. Jose’s abundance of skills — speed, quick hands and rocket-arm — make his ADHD downfalls that much tougher to stomach. His talent is limitless, but right now we only see it in spurts. The carnation, a flower symbolic with fascination, perfectly relates to Jose. We are intensely fascinated, but the feeling quickly subsides like a balloon at a Phish show.

Ryan Chruch - Gardenia

The gardenia symbolizes purity. So for Ryan, a snow white man of God, this is a match made in heaven. Refined like ivory soap, the gardenia smells ethereal. Ryan, who has eaten out the Virgin Mary in countless dreams, knows the smell better than anyone.

Aaron Heilman - Pussy Willow

Pretty self explanatory.

Johan Santana - Chrysanthemum

Because of his contract, Johan had no choice but to be strapped with the flower that’s synonymous with abundance and wealth. The Mets serve Johan empty quarries filled with cash and he repays them by serving Felix Hernandez a historic meatball pitch.

Pedro Martinez - Impatiens

Pedro has been a bust of a signing. He has pitched 185.4 innings since 2006, which is 36 innings less than he pitched in ALL of 2005. Currently saddled with a 6.57 ERA, the Mets management and fans still think he should be kept around for his “intangibles” and the “effect” he has on the team. Let’s say it like it is: Pedro is a nurturing tit for the players to suck, but he can’t get high on his own supply. This works out well, because Impatiens symbolize motherhood. Pedro Martinez, the proud owner of a stretch-marked vagina.