Tirico Suave

The whole saga behind Travis Henry and his nine illegitimate future running backs is staler than Rick Reilly’s last vulture-gnawing column.

For me, and I’m assuming for Travis, it’s about what’s next.

And the best place for Travis to head next is the end zone, a place he has been 38 times since he entered the league in 2001.

Considering that nine teams scored fewer than 10 rushing touchdowns last season, you would think that Travis’ options would be as open as a dilated cervix, right? Not exactly.

Henry’s status hasn’t been reported upon since he was neutered by Michael Edward Shanahan on June 2. Coach Busted-Capillaries said the axing was a result of Travis’ inconsistencies as a person.

Some people even stated that Travis was starting to show “signs of wear and tear.” But, really, that’s just a whole lot of sperm-envy. A man that ejaculates HGH is not breaking down like a Yugo.

So, because I care about Travis’ legacy, I am giving him a few simple steps to get back into the end zone.

• The way back in is through the desert. Find your strength in cacti, forced-dehydration and The Vision.
• You will appear from the desert and arrive at the Arizona Cardinals training facility ala Willie Mays Hayes.
• Edgerrin James has softened like like Eve’s forbidden clit, so it won’t take much to whack him off the depth chart. After that, the only roadblocks are Marcel Shipp and J.J. Arrington. Realistically, your first born could probably beat out these !SCRUBS!
• However, it might take a game to smooth things over Coach Kenny Wiz. After all, he felt that Matt Leinart – who made an MTV Spring Break collage that Buzz Bissinger ogled with a fleshlight in hand — lacked a commitment to the team.
• But you, Travis, are a man. I bet your ninth cream-pie-come-to-life has more semen pumping through his system than Matt. Ken will clearly see the oozing machismo and you will be starting by week two. Fittingly, your return will come at the Pink Taco University of Phoenix Stadium against the stinkiest pussy of them all.
• You take the field to an uproarious applause and then grab your nuts, taunting Joey Porter’s aquatic-ness.
• I have prepared a video presentation for the final step of your revival. Just watch the video and study the choreography at the end. I expect to see that dance in the end zone.