Tirico Suave

Americans should not have to work on Hank Steinbrenner’s birthday. Stamps should commemorate him. His face should be on the nickel. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to wait until September to read Hank’s column. I mean just when you think you’ve got an idea of what’s going through his head, he comes out says some crazy shit that tops the last batch of crazy shit he tossed out. For instance, Cinnamon Wang hurts himself on a non-contact trip around the bases and now Hank comes out and practically demands the National League change their rules to prevent American League pitchers from getting hurt. They’re pitchers Hank, not precogs.

But this is the Yankee mentality. We won 107 championships when there was eight teams in the league, and no free agency and wearing the pinstripes is a higher honor than receiving the Purple Heart so the rules should be tailored in any way we see fit in order to enhance on our chances of success. Why stop there Hank? Why not just amend every rule as you see fit? Here I’ve thrown together some goodies for you to bring up to Bud Selig that should help the Yankees this season:

The higher the ERA, the better.

The Yankees shall be allowed four outfielders at all home games and all away games against AL East teams.

If the Yankees lose in extra innings, they will still receive a point (a la hockey) in the standings. Two of these points can be redeemed for a win or a Red Sox loss.

When Joba Chamberlain starts, games will only last five innings.

If your second baseman is playing just disgustingly miserable baseball, you can substitute anyone with the last name Rodriguez in the 2B’s spot in the lineup. This will not effect in any way player Rodriguez’s normal spot in the lineup.

The Yankees have the right to retroactively accept trades they may have turned down in the previous offseason. All stats accumulated by the players involved in said deal will transfer over to their new teams effective immediately.

If you invest an exorbitant amount of money in a foreign born player who turns out to be an absolute bust, said player will be forced to pitch against the team that signed him once a week.

If a fan of a rival ballclub buries an artifact from that team in the foundation of the new Yankee stadium, said ballclub will be forced to forfeit their games from that entire season.

Since the all-star game is in Yankee stadium this year, Hank gets to play a few innings at first base.

If another team who plays in the same city as yours fires their manager in the middle of the night, than your team will receive an extra 10 wins.

Hank reserves the sole right to implement new rules as he, and only he, sees fit at any point during the regular season, playoffs or offseason.