Tirico Suave

Go ahead Kobe. Check the box score from game four. It says you were 6-19 from the field and had 17 points in a pivotal must win game at home during the NBA Finals. You didn’t have ONE field goal in the first half. You team blew a 24 point lead. You were outscored by James Posey.

Kobe’s awesome. He’s the best player in the world right now. He’s probably even be the best basketball player we’ve seen since Michael Jordan. But simply put, he’s not Michael Jordan. In fact, he’s not even close, nor will he ever be. Let me illustrate this for you in list form:

He will retire with fewer MVPs, scoring titles, and championships.

Phil Jackson never wrote a book detailing Jordan’s immaturity and selfishness.

In ten years, if Kobe retires and then a makes a comeback a few years later with the Washington Wizards, the Wizards version of Kobe will also be inferior to Wizards era Jordan.

When Vanessa Bryant inevitably divorces Kobe, she will receive a larger settlement than Juanita.

After that, when he retires again, and Kobe takes a front office position with the Bobcats, he will draft someone who will turn out to be a bigger bust than Adam Morrison, and that draftee will sob even harder and have a more creepy and even wispier mustache.

Cuba Gooding III will have no desire to try on Kobe’s underwear. Kevin Bacon’s brother will be able to shoot a crumpled up piece of paper past Kobe into a garbage can.

Charles Oakley >>>>>>>>>>>>Lamar Odom.

Kobe’s son will have to walk on at at a community college in Illinois.

In the final scene of Pixar’s Space Jam 2, Wall-E will hold Kobe to 11 pts on 5-23 shooting.

He’ll endorse Powerade.

Please, I beg of you, for love of Brad Sellers, let this be the end to all ‘Kobe is the next Michael Jordan’ proclamations.