Look at those evil towels, just sitting there, waiting to suck the talent out of major league ballclubs. Luckily for the Mariners, manager John McLaren, fresh off his audition for the next Jay and Silent Bob movie, has had the towels, food and beer removed from the Mariners’ locker room in an effort to make the players accountable for their 21-39 record. Yes, because now, after the postgame shower, when Richie Sexson has to dry himself off with Willie Bloomquist, a light bulb will go off (assuming McLaren hasn’t also banned lightbulbs, both real and symbolical) in his head and he’ll think “Oooooh, batting .200 is really shitty. The fuck was I thinking?!?”
Sure, John, it’s the towels. Not your catcher, first basemen, third basemen and primary DH batting a combined .222. Or that Carlos Silva, fresh off signing a 4yr, $48 million contract is 3-6 with a 5.96 ERA. Or that Silva doesn’t even have the worst ERA amonst the starting rotation. Nope, that honor would go to Jarrod Washburn (6.56). Miguel Batista’s 5.90 ERA isn’t helping none either. And it’s definitely not because the M’s traded arguably more talent to the Orioles to acquire Erik Bedard (4-4, 4.47 ERA, 0 unanimous Cy Youngs) than the Mets gave the Twins to acquire Johan Santana (7-3, 3.20, 2 unanimous Cy Youngs). And it certainly has nothing to do with J.J. Putz already giving up as any many earned runs (11) in 17 2/3 innings as he did all of last season in 71 2/3 innings. No, it’s those pampered dried off ballplayers and their postgame roast beef platters that are to blame here.
Due to my childhood adoration for Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Sanders, I’m am an M’s and Lions fan. I defy anyone to find me worse GM combination to have running two of your teams than Matt Millen and Bill Bavasi.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Jeff V // Jun 6, 2008 at 6:13 am
Due to my childhood adoration for Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Sanders, I’m am an M’s and Lions fan.
^ Rationalization of Sadism.
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2 Shakespeare DiMaggio // Jun 6, 2008 at 7:23 am
Well, it’s not like the M’s have anyone in the minors that can help.
Does Isaih count as one or two GM’s?
Also, not that I don’t agree that M’s gave up more for Bedard than the Mets did for Santana, I do, however feel obligated to bring up Carlos Gomez’s statistics every time that trade is brought up- 276. 34 R’s, 4 HR’s, 23 RB I’s, 17 SB’s, 22 years old.
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3 Towelie // Jun 6, 2008 at 8:55 am
Don’t forget to bring a … aww. Not fair
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4 Harvey Bars // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:25 am
Jeff, Shakes, Towelie….I fully reserve the right to make irrational, salient points regarding the terrible franchises I root for.
Shakey D, clearly I put the word arguably in that sentence for a reason. The main point was if that I’d have gladly given up Clement, Wltswbadier Balantien, or anyone else it would have taken to get Santana had it been known that the Twins weren’t really interested in getting full value for the best left-handed pitcher of his generation. I’m not counting Unit as part of this generation. Only Dorn and his “DeNiro is the best actor of OUR generation” would do such a thing.
Gomez: .276, .306, OBP,3 HR, 23 RBI, 34 R, 17 SB in 232 ABs
Adam Jones: .256, .297 OBP, 3 HR, 24 RBI, 20 R, 5 SB in 207 ABs, also 22 years old.
Gomez is the better player right now, but aside from steals, it’s pretty much a wash. And Sherrill has like 42 saves already.
Also, Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. That should shut put the mope back in you for a minute or two.
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5 Roger Dorn // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:34 am
What the p$ss does “Buckle it up and get after it up” mean?
Sorry Mr. Bars, he’s no Patrick Dempsey, but DeNiro is still an above average actor.
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6 Harvey Bars // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:44 am
Bobby D’s acting chops were never the question. His inclusion into ‘our generation’ was the debate.
I’m really hoping to open up every old semi-heated argument that we’ve had over the years on this site at some point:
Shakes:
Mark Buerhle ‘05 = ace.
Fairuza Balk = gross.
Dorn:
WWE wrestlers = athletes.
Comedies = enjoyable.
Velvet:
You = asshole for not trading me that beat up, shoddy conditioned Chipper Jones Topps rookie card when I was a freshman and you were an 8th grader. Look how cool we were making you. You weren’t even in high school yet. You were lucky that we even gave you the time of day.
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7 Roger Dorn // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:20 am
Mark Buerhle = Fairuza Balk
I’m headed to a double taping of WWE Raw on Monday Night. Suck it!
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8 Carlos Silva // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:38 am
Funny story. I was walking down the street the other day and a wad of hundred dollar bills fell out of my pants and I didn’t feel like bending over at the time so I just left it there and went on my way.
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9 White Velvet // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:44 am
Time of Day? I peaked in 8th grade. I was never cooler (Most Popular, Most Athletic, and Personality Plus of Memorial School as voted by my classmates). You were lucky to have had me at the cards for cards game. And why would I trade you a Chipper Jones rookie card for two Joe Kleine rookies and a Steve Scheffler upper deck. You tried to take advantage of my age and I didn’t bite. I still have that Chipper Jones rookie card by the way! Now if you would excuse me, I have to scan some documents.
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10 Harvey Bars // Jun 6, 2008 at 1:01 pm
In my defense, at the time, Joe Kleine had a lot of upside.
If it makes you feel any better, you also won the Most Popular and Personality Plus superlatives here at TS. You also finished second in the most athletic category to Shakespeare, but he openly campaigned for votes and threatened those who didn’t vote for him with violence. He’s personally responsible for the every member Mergers & Acquistions department resigning within a three month period.
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11 Shakespeare DiMaggio // Jun 6, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Modest Mouse sure is popular these days…
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12 Harvey Bars // Jun 6, 2008 at 3:45 pm
You need to be held accountable for your comments, DiMaggio. I’m removing all blastrags and Wendy’s five piece nuggets from the Tirico Suave locker room.
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13 Shakespeare DiMaggio // Jun 6, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Mark Buerhle has never, at any time, been an ace. Just because you start on opening day does not make you an ace.
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