Look at those evil towels, just sitting there, waiting to suck the talent out of major league ballclubs. Luckily for the Mariners, manager John McLaren, fresh off his audition for the next Jay and Silent Bob movie, has had the towels, food and beer removed from the Mariners’ locker room in an effort to make the players accountable for their 21-39 record. Yes, because now, after the postgame shower, when Richie Sexson has to dry himself off with Willie Bloomquist, a light bulb will go off (assuming McLaren hasn’t also banned lightbulbs, both real and symbolical) in his head and he’ll think “Oooooh, batting .200 is really shitty. The fuck was I thinking?!?”
Sure, John, it’s the towels. Not your catcher, first basemen, third basemen and primary DH batting a combined .222. Or that Carlos Silva, fresh off signing a 4yr, $48 million contract is 3-6 with a 5.96 ERA. Or that Silva doesn’t even have the worst ERA amonst the starting rotation. Nope, that honor would go to Jarrod Washburn (6.56). Miguel Batista’s 5.90 ERA isn’t helping none either. And it’s definitely not because the M’s traded arguably more talent to the Orioles to acquire Erik Bedard (4-4, 4.47 ERA, 0 unanimous Cy Youngs) than the Mets gave the Twins to acquire Johan Santana (7-3, 3.20, 2 unanimous Cy Youngs). And it certainly has nothing to do with J.J. Putz already giving up as any many earned runs (11) in 17 2/3 innings as he did all of last season in 71 2/3 innings. No, it’s those pampered dried off ballplayers and their postgame roast beef platters that are to blame here.
Due to my childhood adoration for Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Sanders, I’m am an M’s and Lions fan. I defy anyone to find me worse GM combination to have running two of your teams than Matt Millen and Bill Bavasi.
