Tirico Suave

By now, you may have heard that former standout kick returner Vai Sikahema has accepted Jose Canseco’s open invitation to a boxing match that will take place July 12th in Atlantic City. What you probably haven’t heard is that like the main event, the undercard is comprised entirely of matches pitting baseball juicers against former NFL return men. And because boxing kind of sucks now, the other matches will take place in the cage. Tirico Suave’s own roving fight correspondent/washed up celebrity expert, Emmanuel Lewis Schmeling, was able to put together this comprehensive preview and I’ve allowed him to take over my TS profile for a day. Take it away E.L.:

Mark McGwire v. Brian Mitchell
Here we have the battle of the record setters. I don’t see it being the complete mismatch that other’s view this match to be, but with Dan McGwire slated to be the special guest referee, I think Mitchell will have too much to overcome. The rest of the juicers on the card also seem to have some vested interest in this match as most want to see any and everyone with the last name Mitchell take a severe beating.
Prediction: McGwire


Rafael Palmeiro v. Mel Gray
Palmeiro and Gray were two of the more unheralded and underrated players in their respective sports and both have seemed to fall off the face of the Earth. I expect a superb and amazingly consistent, yet not quite Hall of Fame performance from Palmeiro in this match and as Harvey once remarked to me “Never, ever wager on a the Lions or anyone Lion related to win anything, ever.”
Prediction: Palmeiro


Brady Anderson v. Tim Dwight
Ah, the battle of two white fan favorites who parlayed one or two good seasons into a lifetime of notoriety. I think the match will be one of the better fights of the night, but the real contest here is who has the more ambiguously gay pictures of them floating around on the internet. Anderson’s speak for themselves, but are no worse than your typical guido MySpace picture, while Dwight’s incriminating photos, to me, are a little harder to explain.
Prediction: Dwight


John Rocker v. Dave Meggett
This is the match I’m most looking forward to. If you have a weak stomach, this is no doubt the fight you will want to turn away from. I expect Rocker to come out and take his pent up aggression against non-English speaking, purple haired, pregnant teen queers while Meggett might just pretend that Rocker is one of the multitudes of women who have accused the former Giants and Patriots return man of sexual assault.
Predicted Winner: Society


The Ghost Of Ken Caminiti v. Desmond Howard
Easily the biggest shocker on the entire card was Caminiti rising from the ashes to take on Howard in a battle of two of the more surprising MVPs from the 90’s. Your guess is as good as mine as to how Caminiti will actually compete in this match, but I’m thinking he’ll temporarily inhabit Whoopi Goldberg’s body, thus making this a cakewalk for the former Heisman winner.
Prediction: Eternal damnation for anyone involved with this site


Glenallen Hill v. Tamarick Vanover
Both Hill and Vanover are known more for what they did away from the field than for what they did on it, and in this match, each will have a chance to blatantly exploit the others primary weakness as it was announced that this match will also be a Tables, Spiders, and Drugs match. I don’t know all the rules exactly, but I have received news that since Vanover is a convicted felon, Hill will be allowed to compete wearing his lifesize Dairy Queen souvenir batting helmet.
Prediction: 218 stitches and one parole violation


Bret Boone v. Glyn Milburn
Bret Boone has always denied he ever took steroids, but raised a few skeptical eyebrows when he abruptly ended his comeback earlier this week in order to focus more on his training for his bout against the former Broncos special teamer.
Prediction: Boone’s tipfroster will be busy between now & July.


Mediocre Juicers v. Nondescript Kick Returners
Juicers’ captain Jason Grimsley and his hand selected team of Bobby Estalella, David Segui, and F.P Santangelo battle the redundantly named Nondescript Kick Returners led by Jermaine Lewis and his squad made up of Chad Morton, Michael Bates and Michael Lewis in the first ever Survivor Series rules MMA fight.
Prediction: Elevated expectations but average results accompanied by most of the audience asking each other “Wait, which one is he?”