Tirico Suave

From this article: “He can hardly move — he’s got hemorrhoids so bad,” Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. “He’s been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn’t have been out there.” Leyland said the hemorrhoids have been bothering Guillen for about four or five days, but they have gotten worse in the last few days. “He could hardly walk.” Leyland said.

“They probably just need to be lanced” has now entered my lexicon as my go to phrase for all health care needs. Hangnail? Just needs to be lanced. Pancreatic cancer? Lance it. Crib death? Here, borrow my lancing rod. Interesting sidenote here, two of my fantasy teams feature Carlos Guillen at 1B, and Kaz Matsui at the middle man spot. I’m not saying I’m directly responsible for these incidents affecting my infielders, but if I were Brandon Phillips and Ryan Zimmerman, I’d ease up a bit on the throne for the remainder of the season.