Tirico Suave

I just read over on Sportaphile that the New Jersey Nets will be represented at the draft lottery by hip-hop mogul and part owner, Jay-Z. With the NBA being the copycat league that it is, the P.R. staffs of all the other lottery teams were in an absolute frenzy Monday trying to secure their own rock stars who could serve as suitable representatives for their franchises. Late Monday, the Tirico Suave research staff was able to compile a complete list who each team will be sending to Secaucus and as always, we’d like to share the news with our loyal readers.

1. Miami Heat – Suge Knight
It wasn’t that long ago that both the Miami Heat and Suge Knight were two of the most feared and respected entities in their respective communities, but things have certainly changed in a hurry. The Miami Heat are now the worst team in the NBA and Suge Knight occasionally gets knocked out by barbers who are six inches shorter and a 140 lbs. lighter than he is. Unrelated note: if you need to reach me later on tonight, I’ll be dangling by my ankles of the balcony off the 20th floor of the Tirico Suave office building.

2. Seattle SuperSonics – Great White
Clay Bennett is not the most popular man in the Seattle area right now and in a blatant attempt to defer any negative press coverage he may receive, he sends Jack Russell of the band Great White to the lottery, one of the few people in any industry who has treated fans worse than Bennett has.

3. Minnesota T’Wolves – J.C. Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass
Remove the main (and only) star and from a successful group/team and you’re left with a bunch of individual pieces without any discernible talent, a story, both the Timberwolves and N*Sync know all too well.

4. Memphis Grizzlies – Radiohead
At first glance, Radiohead and Memphis may seem like a completely incompatible and random pairing but the two actually have a lot more in common than you would think. Both made massive waves in their fields this past year when each decided to give away their talent by the unconventional manner of letting the other party have complete control in naming their price.

5. New York Knicks – Nickelback
For the better part of this decade, both the Knicks and Nickelback have not only sucked but sucked hard. But no matter how absolutely abysmal, terrible and downright Godawful each have been, they both have legions of dedicated fans who consistently sellout arenas in order to watch them play.

6. Los Angeles Clippers – John Oates, Andrew Ridgeley and the second fiddle player for the Silver Mountain Fiddle Band
There are only a select few who can empathize with the feeling of never being the biggest draw, even in your own city. Bonus for the Clips is that it didn’t take a whole lot of maneuvering to clear the collective schedules of these three.

7. Milwaukee Bucks – Tevin Campbell
The Bucks wanted to send someone to the lottery who was as anonymous and irrelevant to the music landscape as they are to the pro basketball scene. And, yes, I was just thinking the exact same thing: at 31 years of age, Tevin Campbell looks fantastic. He hasn’t aged a day.

8. Charlotte Bobcats – Dave Matthews
Just like Adam Morrison, Sean May, Jeff McInnis, Matt Carroll, and Othella Harrington, the Dave Matthews band seemed much, much better in college than they are now that I’ve graduated. Unfortunately for the Bobcats, it’s easier for me to hide my DMB cds when my new hipster friends come over than it is for Sam Vincent to hide Adam Morrison when Michael Jordan stops by. Plus, both lineups feature black violinists: Boyd Tinsley and Nazr Mohammed. (Editor’s note: Nazr Mohammed may not actually play violin.)

9. Chicago Bulls – Weezer
Both the Bulls and Weezer enjoyed highly successful runs in the 90’s and both have found it difficult to replicate that success in recent years. Yet fans and pundits alike continue to place great expectations on both whenever each show a glimmer of promise. But despite the occasional hint that each is returning to glory, fans of both will end up ultimately coming to terms that now they both just plain suck.

10. Indiana Pacers – Pete Doherty
The Indiana Pacers and Pete Doherty are both loaded with talent but neither can seem to stay out of their own way. Plus, both have a habit of causing serious bodily harm to the innocent people around them, the Pacers with opposing fans and their own trainer and Doherty with his own fans who were unfortunate enough to pass out in his company.

11. Sacramento Kings – Gary Glitter
Despite having a minimal amount of talent, both Glitter and the Kings are responsible for creating some of the loudest arenas a fan can ever hear. Now if only one of the Maloof brothers would get caught downloading over 4,000 child pornography images before the lottery is conducted, then this comparison would be airtight.

12. Portland Trailblazers – Vampire Weekend
Both rosters are filled with young talented players. Both greatly exceeded expectations in their first year together. And….um…the guys from Vampire Weekend like to dress…in…blazers. Ugh….ok, I know, this one’s not that great, but you know what? You try making topical music jokes about Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw and Von fucking Wafer.

13. Golden State Warriors – Velvet Revolver
The necessary pieces appear to be there but despite some marginal success both the Warriors and Velvet Revolver just can’t seem to live up to their perceived potential. Not to mention, I just really like the thought of Slash sitting through the mundane draft lottery process.