Tirico Suave

Free agent running back Shaun Alexander is in Cincinnati for a visit. As a service to you, please allow me to translate some of the quotes from this article:

“The agent for Shaun Alexander said Thursday that his client is scheduled to visit the Bengals on Monday, but Jim Steiner stressed the visit is “very preliminary.”

“Even Shaun’s agent is surprised that someone has interest in his client.”

“Shaun wants to get an idea how the Bengals would use him and I’m sure the Bengals would like to talk to him”

“Shaun wants to make sure he doesn’t have to do to much blocking or pass catching. He’d prefer to just be handed the ball at the two yard line and score touchdowns. He’s really good at gaining one or two yards. And the Bengals running game was so God awful last year, I’m sure Shaun can at least get a warm meal and a proverbial reach around from them. Plus he’s never been arrested.”

“The Bengals, who usually only keep three tailbacks, have a lot to figure out, as does Alexander. If Rudi Johnson and Chris Perry are healthy, what to do they do with Kenny Watson and DeDe Dorsey if they sign Alexander?”

“It is a 100% absolute certainty that whoever gets carries for the Bengals next year will suck, so why not go with the biggest name?”

“Alexander, who turns 31 after the last preseason game, isn’t the same back that led the Seahawks to the Super Bowl a few years ago and any deal would be contingent on a physical.”

“The Bengals are is such disarray that even clearly washed up former MVPs sound enticing but in all honesty probably wouldn’t mind if he failed a physical so it would at least give the impression that they were trying to improve without actually having to make an investment.”

“He broke his wrist in last season’s opener and after he twisted his knee and ankle in Week 9 he finished with 716 yards rushing on 3.5 per carry. He became the eighth player in history to rush for 100 career touchdowns in the season finale.”

“We’re trying to hide the fact that he is now not only terrible, but also injury prone with misleading career achievement stats that will have absolutely no impact on the 2008 NFL season.”

“His strengths are that he’s a solid guy, adds another dimension in the passing game with terrific hands, has had tremendous production in the past, and his wrist is apparently healed.”

“Before you mention anything about football, make sure you again let the Bengals know that he’s never been arrested. Terrific hands = 41 rec., 202 yds. over the last three seasons. The other day I saw Shaun playing Mario Kart Wii, so I’m guessing he’s no longer hurt.”

“Plus, he’s still The Man around these parts. Alexander, a Florence, Ky. native, set records of 3,166 rushing yards and 54 touchdowns at Boone County High School.”

“Shaun has entered the Al Bundy zone. He’s available for any and all ribbon cutting ceremonies.”

“And (Rudi) Johnson is also coming off an injury plagued season, Perry hasn’t played in a game since November of 2006, and Kenny Irons isn’t ready to work out in May and June.”

“The Bengals are terrible at drafting running backs.”

“The Bengals don’t have much to give Alexander because of their salary cap situation, and he also has to figure out how he wants to get paid after years as one of the top paid backs in the league.”

“Listen, Shaun, you suck, we suck, if you can get past the fact that you’re washed up and would be lucky to even have a job with the Montreal Alouettes, then I think we can come to some sort of agreement that would allow us to suck together”