Last Thursday, a $180K Mercedes Benz that was owned by Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was stolen, stripped and set ablaze. While the police are currently doing all the can to find the perpetrators, I wanted to do my part, so I took it upon myself to compile a list of people who have the means and motivation to pull off this
Jason Taylor
It’s no secret that Taylor and Merriman don’t care for each other, stemming from an incident a few seasons back when the Dolphins lineman publicly stated that Merriman should not be eligible to win NFL Defensive Player Of The Year because he missed four games that season due to a steroid suspension, to which Merriman promptly fired back by sending Taylor one of his Lights Out shirts and a bag of popcorn so Taylor could properly root for Merriman in the playoffs from his home. There’s definitely a lot of bad blood here. In fact, if this were an episode of CSI: Miami, Taylor would be questioned before the first commercial break. David Caruso would track down Taylor at the Dolphins practice facility, in the midst of of a workout. Taylor, upon seeing Caruso, would smirk, laugh to himself, continue his workout and without making eye contact say something along the lines of, “I know why you’re here, but let me save you the time and effort: I had nothing to do with Shawne’s car getting torched, but I sure like to shake the man’s hand who did.” After a little back and forth, Caruso then would then slowly look up, put on his sunglasses, look off into the distance and deadpan “Well, I hope your telling the truth Mr. Taylor because I will find the man who turned Mr. Merriman’s lights……on.” (CSI noise).
Marty Schottenheimer
Clearly, he has the time to pull off something like this. But why? Revenge, that’s why. After the Chargers fired Schottenheimer following a 14-2 season, he finally became fed up with all the ‘can’t win in the playoffs’ talk, bided his time and waited for the right moment to get back at the San Diego Charger franchise. If Marty is in fact the guilty party, I expect more incidents like this in the future. It may sound absurd now, but in a week if the same thing happens to LT’s ‘64 Impala or Nate Kaeding’s Segway, the cops will know who’s door to knock on.
Maurice Jones-Drew
He lit him up once, got the taste for blood, and wanted to light him up again. This may be a bit of a reach but even if I’m wrong, if nothing else, I get to watch this video another couple hundred times again.
Ryan Leaf
I think I’m being kind when I say that Ryan Leaf doesn’t have much of a legacy to pass on to all the future generations of Leaves. The only thing he can really hang his hat on is that he is easily the preeminent asshole/douchebag/blowjob in San Diego Super Charger history. However, if our projections are accurate, at his current pace Merriman will surpass Leaf in that distinction somewhere around week five of the 2010 season. So there are two possible scenarios that could come from torching Merriman’s ride from which Leaf would benefit: a) Merriman takes it as sign that he’s not wanted and demands a trade out of town before he can assume Leaf’s title or b) Leaf is found out to be the arsonist, Merriman gains sympathy, and Leaf’s status is permanently cemented, no matter what Merriman or Philip Rivers does or says in a Chargers uniform.
Tirico Suave’s own Shakespeare DiMaggio
Snitching on one of my peers certainly won’t gain me any favor with Cam’ron, but I would be remiss if I didn’t at least put the possibility out there. Ol’ Shakes has never been bashful when it comes to his severe distaste of Merriman, often referring to him as the player in professional sports he despises the most. I know what you’re thinking, a lot of people say they hate a lot of professional athletes. It doesn’t mean they will go out and steal their car and subsequently set fire to it. Understood. But here’s the twist: just last week, Shakespeare abruptly moved out of San Diego, right around the time this crime took place. And get this. As you’re reading this, he is driving across country and his exact whereabouts are unknown. He said he was moving because he was offered a better job, but Google and YouPorn.com are the only sites on the internet that are better than this one, so I went ahead and called each of their respective human resources departments and guess what? Neither had heard of him (well, that’s not exactly true. YouPorn knew who he was, but not because he was a prospective employee). He alibi lacks credibility. He has the motive. He has the means. He has the time. The coffee cup has hit the floor, DiMaggio. Admit what you did, and San Diego’s Finest may let you off with a fine and 50 hours of community service working in one of the many local smokeshops/porn shops/tattoo parlors.
