This years draft class features an impressive array of players for teams to choose from. But what if the field was enlarged to include some of our favorite fictional football playing characters? I think the draft would go a little something like this.
*NOTE* In order to be eligible for this draft a player must have maintained his or her amateur status, so you won’t find Paul Crewe, Willie Beamon or any other fictional pros on this list.
1. Miami Dolphins - Forrest Gump. KR. (Forrest Gump).
Bill Parcells would prefer to go with a defensive player here, but can’t resist a player who scores nearly every time he touches the ball. Concerns over Gumps intelligence were allayed when Gump scored a 9 on his Wunderlic test, 2 points higher than Vince Young.
2. St. Louis Rams - Charles Jefferson. DE. (Fast Times At Ridgemont High).
The Rams drafted DT Adam Carriker last year and continue to improve their line by drafting Jefferson. The Rams will also be hiring Jeff Spicoli to trash Jefferson’s new Escalade and blame it on the Seahawks.
3. Atlanta Falcons - Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass. QB. (Remember The Titans).
After a terrible season under immobile QBs, Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich, the Falcons draft a more mobile quarterback. Arthur Blank hopes Bass’s long, dreamy, glowing locks make Falcons’ fans forget about their last franchise QB.
4. Oakland Raiders - Lucy Draper. K. (Necessary Roughness)
Sebastian Janikowski is 30 years old and was ineffective last year hitting only 23 of his 32 field goal attempts. Drafting Draper means an end to Seabass’s tenure in Oaktown, and though they will theoretically never be teammates, if we were Draper we wouldn’t leave our drinks unattended for the few practices just to be safe.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Billy Bob. OL. (Varsity Blues)
The Chiefs are very old along their offensive line and Billy Bob will help to inject some youth into the unit. Though, Kansas City may want to check into rumors that Billy Bob has lost 500 or so pounds since he last played.
6. New York Jets - Al Bundy. RB. (Married With Children).
The Jets filled their needs at DT and OG through free agency and trades, so here they get running back to team with Thomas Jones. Though Bundy never played college football, the memory of his mythical four TD performance rocketed him up the Jets board.
7. New England Patriots - Steve Lattimer. LB. (The Program)
Lattimer dominated in his senior season at ESU and New England seems to be getting a steal here. The Patriots plan on using him as a linebacker in their 3-4. He immediately moves into the empty locker next to Rodney Harrison’s.
8. Baltimore Ravens - Rico Dynamite. QB. (Napolean Dynamite).
The Ravens haven’t learned from the past and again are targeting a QB based more on upside than results. Following Dynamite’s performance at his pro day, where at one point, he was rumored to have thrown a football over a mountain range, the Ravens were sold.
9. Cincinatti Bengals - Ricky Baker. RB. (Boyz N The Hood).
Though Baker has had somewhat of a checkered past (poor test scores, a brother in a gang, a child born out of wedlock), the Bengals were nonetheless intrigued by his talent. He will battle Kenny Watson and Rudi Johnson for the starting job.
10. New Orleans Saints - Bobby Boucher. LB. (The Waterboy).
With the Saints having problems last season getting to the quarterback and with the water supply of New Orleans still in dire need of replenishment from Hurricane Katrina, local product Boucher makes perfect sense.
11. Buffalo Bills - Charlie Tweeder. WR. (Varsity Blues).
The Bills look past some of Tweeder’s youthful transgressions and add another homerun hitter to their receiving crops. Our sources report that Tweeder plans on celebrating by drinking beer, ‘cause Tweeder drinks beer.
12. Denver Broncos - Fred “Ogre” Palowakski. OL. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Denver’s offensive line has gotten old and Ogre helps them return to glory with his special brand of intensity. The Broncos can only hope that Palowakski’s irrational hatred of nerds does not affect his relationship with head coach Mike Shanahan.
13. Carolina Panthers - Paul Blake. QB. (Necessary Roughness).
As the Panthers demonstrated with Chris Weinke, they have no problem drafting QBs in their early 50’s. Blake’s slow Texas drawl should be easier to understand in the huddle than Delhomme’s excited, unintelligible Cajun Man impression.
14. Chicago Bears - Jonathan Moxon. QB. (Varsity Blues).
After too many seasons of the Sex Cannon and the Neckbeard, Lovie Smith wants to draft a more cerebral QB, and fell in love with Moxon the combine, going as far as to let the QB knock a beer can off his head as to demonstrate his accuracy. Only time will tell if Moxon would rather read his playbook or Slaughterhouse 5.
15. Detroit Lions - Alvin Mack. LB. (The Program).
The Lions were dead last in the NFL at stopping poo-butt motherfuckers so Mack will definitely help there. Mack was able to come back from serious knee surgery and is reportedly excited to buy his mother the house that goes along with that door-knocker. Unfortunately, that house will be in Detroit.
16. Arizona Cardinals - Julius Campbell. DE. (Remember The Titans).
The Cardinals are looking for a guy to get after the passer and the athletic Campbell fits the bill. Although, rumors had surfaced earlier that the Cardinals liked Campbell’s teammate, Gerry Bertier, more, but um…..lets move on.
17. Minnesota Vikings - Stan Gable. QB. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Brad Childress tells anyone listening that he is sold on Tarvaris Jackson as his quarterback. But the Vikings can’t pass on All American Boy, Stan Gable, here at 17. Our guess is that no matter where he’s drafted, he ends up living next door to our projected #6 pick.
18. Houston Texans - Louie Lastik. OL. (Remember The Titans).
Finally, the Texans address their needs along the offensive line. Lastik also plans on starting a soul group with Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye and DeMeco Ryans, an agreement made after Lastik back off demands that he’d only play for Motown.
19. Philadelphia Eagles - Daniel Ruetigger. DE/LB. (Rudy).
Ruetigger didn’t see the field much, but it seemed that whenever he did, he got to the quarterback. Although he is vastly undersized (one coach described him as ‘Hobbit-like’), teams were blown away by his work ethic at the combine. The Eagles hope that Ruettiger picks up where Mike Mamula left off.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tim Waymen. QB. (The Program).
Though both Waymen and Joe Kane project to go in the first round, the Heisman-winner Waymen is projected a little higher on teams draft boards, mostly because while Michigan has a strong pedigree of pro QBs, teams could not think of the last successful QB to emerge from ESU.
21. Washington Redskins. Ivory Christian. DE. (Friday Night Lights).
The Redskins need a dominant defensive end and Christian fits the bill. An immediate and forceful presence in the locker room, you can also be sure he’ll let the Redskins know when they are playing like a bunch of little girls.
22. Dallas Cowboys - Darnell Jefferson. RB. (The Program).
His impressive workout numbers had a lot of teams proclaiming “Gee Whiz Darnell!”. Jefferson split time with Ray Griffin at ESU, so he should be comfortable splitting time with Marion Barber. Jefferson has already promised that he will wear number 5, but his team will un-doob-it-tably be number one.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Andre Krimm. DT. (Necessary Roughness).
Krimm will hold up blockers and teach the Steelers about astronomy as well. What will franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger think about the pick? I don’t know, do meatheads find Sinbad funny? Wait, does anyone find Sinbad funny?
24. Tennessee Titans - Air Bud. WR. (Air Bud, Golden Retriever).
I have to admit, I’ve never seen any of the Air Bud movies, but from what I understand, it’s about a dog that catches footballs in it’s mouth. He has to be better than Roydell Williams, Justin Gage or Brandon Jones. He also scored two points higher on the Wonderlic than Vince Young.
25. Seattle Seahawks - Joe Kane. QB. (The Program).
An up-and-down season at ESU, punctuated with barfights, a DUI, and a stint in rehab drop the talented Kane down to the Seahawks, who have the luxury of letting Kane ride the bench for a season or two before eventually taking over the reigns from Matt Hasselback. Kane will also most likely have to enter the NFL’s substance abuse program upon being drafted.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Bud Light Kamenski. OL. (The Program).
It’s seems fitting that Joe Kane’s inseparable sidekick goes one spot after him. The Jaguars do not have a lot of holes, so here, they go best player available. Or best player named after beer available. Ride along lil’ doggies.
27. San Diego Chargers - Boobie Miles. HB. (Friday Night Lights).
Miles was able to get back into playing shape through heavy rehabilitation. With Michael Turner off to Atlanta, Miles will be ready for those moments when LaDanian Tomlinson decides that sulking on the bench is more important than playing through injuries.
28. Dallas Cowboys - Spike Hammersmith. LB. (Little Giants).
Hammersmith can play either full back or linebacker and the ‘boys see him as an OLB. The downside, however, is that like Terrell Owens, the Cowboys worry that Hammersmith is a mere mercenary who will only play hard when things are going well.
29. San Francisco 49ers - Stefan Djordevic. DB. (All The Right Moves).
The Niners stop Djordevic’s free fall at 29. His stock fell when he only measured out at 5 foot 5 at the combine, but that doesn’t scare off San Fran since his hands were still twice the size of Niners QB Alex Smith’s muffin stumps with fingers.
30. Green Bay Packers - Petey Jones. DB. (Remember The Titans).
Turns out storylines centered around defensive backs aren’t all that interesting so DB’s are at a premium in this draft and Djordevic and Jones are clearly the best available. If you don’t believe us, ask Jones yourself. The Pack hopes he plays like a superstar instead of just acting like a scrub.
31. New England Patriots - Forfeit.
Forfeiting this pick was supposed to teach the Patriots organization and Bill Belichick a lesson but the stoic Belichick doesn’t seem to be affected when he addressed the media saying he doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in Hollywood type films and could spend the rest of his days simply watching his own home movies.
32. New York Giants - Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea. FB. (Little Giants).
Rumors that O’Shea was considering cheerleading over football drops her to the the Giants who envision O’Shea as the lead blocker for Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. The Giants main priority is keeping her the hell away from Jeremy Shockey.
180 responses so far ↓
1 jamie // Mar 5, 2008 at 12:27 pm
u forgot steamin willie beamin
2 OPS // Mar 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Sir, Beamon had obviously already gone pro. If we’re bending the rules like that, then I draft everyone from my Denver Broncos 1998 Super Bowl Highlight tape that I got free with my paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.
3 JM // Mar 5, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever. WTF! Where’s Shane Falco??
4 Roger Dorn // Mar 5, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Gross. Shane Falco? Speaking of the antithesis of gross, what about Brian Bosworth in the Longest Yard? Just saying.
5 Nino // Mar 6, 2008 at 2:35 am
Som big ommissions here. What about the “triplets” from the Central High Wildcats. Namely Levander ‘Bird’ Willimas, Trumaine, and Finch. Not only could they play, they sang one of the best football songs of all time.
Your also missing Lucas. Sure, he may not be the “biggest guy on the field” or “run the fastest” or “leave his helmet on when he tries to make a catch” - but if you need one guy to inspire a stadium of 80,000 people to join together in a simultaneous hand clap that starts slow and gets progressively faster, then he’s your man
While we’re at it, didn’t AC Slaytor set every record in every sport at Bayside High? There’s got to be room on your team for an athlete like that
6 Ravensgirl // Mar 6, 2008 at 4:42 am
I agree.. where the hell is Shane Falco!?!? Hee he….
7 Bodi // Mar 6, 2008 at 4:52 am
Uh, Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves, Point Break)? He jumped out of a friggin plane without a parachute and kept surfing. And the play action fake he threw at the beach was the best ever.
8 Tom Cruise // Mar 6, 2008 at 5:12 am
Show me The Money!
9 Whitey724 // Mar 6, 2008 at 5:17 am
Crewe was the only pro in The Longest Yard. Some of the other cons or the guards would surely make this list…
10 br // Mar 6, 2008 at 5:55 am
shane falco was already in the pros though, how bout water boy going only 10, thought hed go higher
11 Jim // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:02 am
Rod Tidwell-WR - Jerry Maguire?; Jimmy “Dix” Alexander - QB- The Last Boy Scout?; Paul Crewe - QB - The Longest Yard? Brian Piccolo - RB - Brian’s Song?
12 Frankk // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:13 am
What about Robin Williams in The Best of Times?
Small-town banker Jack Dundee has never been able to live down the fact that he dropped an important pass during a crucial high-school football game. After replaying that crucial game 13 years later, Dundee has since left his wife and kids and went into training full time. Dallas has caught wind and decided not to wait until the draft to fill in a much needed WR spot. The good thing is, because of Dundee’s size and agility, he can also slide into RB position at the drop of a hat.
13 Harlan "Flat-Top" Meyers // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:13 am
What about me? I was the All-American Linebacker from Texas and I had about 10 sacks in that game against Texas State in Necessary Roughness..until Manumana knocked my facemask off on the last play of the game.
Actually, Manumana would be a great center for any of these teams… He should be on this list, too
14 Featherstone // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:15 am
No one picked me?!?!
“Don’t throw the ball to stonehands!”
15 Dewey // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:26 am
I take back what I said in the Yard. The Ravens don’t want Uncle Rico. They want Randall Pink Floyd.
16 Brad // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:22 am
What about David Dunn (Bruce Willis) from Unbreakable? College running back. Gets stronger as the game goes on. You’ll at least know you’ll never have to draft another back in the next 20 to 50 years.
17 Shakespeare DiMaggio // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:39 am
Man, we did miss a lot of guys, I knew there would be plenty. Keep them coming. Hopefully we can get enough to do a second round projection as well.
18 Joe Kane // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:50 am
Yo what about Joe Kane from the Program or Rod Tidwell from Jerry McGuire
19 Joe Kane // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:51 am
never mind i didnt see joe kane but Rod isn’t up there
20 Joe Kane // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:52 am
Frank Cushman
21 donte green has no heart // Mar 6, 2008 at 8:31 am
what about sean penns brother in all the right moves. . and the rifleman, ray griffith from the program,
22 Jack Gonzo // Mar 6, 2008 at 8:49 am
Is Lance Barbor (Paul walker VB) being punished because he blew his knee out?
What about that lineman who ruins Alvin Mack’s career?
Personally my top two players on my board would be Samson (Richard Kiel) and Bogdanski (Ray Nitchske) from the original Longest Yard.
23 Mark // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:04 am
Its just like the Bengals to draft a dead guy at #6
24 Grey Ghost // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:14 am
Where the hell is the Gray Ghost from “Everybody’s ALL-American”??? Hell you could of at least brought Babs in for Cheerleading.
25 AC // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:37 am
Wendell Brown was a great running back in for Kilmer’s Coyotes. He did all the work, but because Kilmer was a racist, Lance got all the glory.
26 Rod Farva // Mar 6, 2008 at 3:40 pm
What about the Quarterback Princess to take over for Seattle someday?
27 JROD // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Where is Johnny Walker from “Johnny Be Good”? Possibly the best HS QB of all time. He was recruited by every team in America. Plus his girlfriend was Uma Thurman!
28 Sweet Feet Huxtable // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Second round my ass!
F Ruettiger, I’m the real Rudy. I score every time I touch the ball, just like Gump, but you don’t have to worry about my intelligence. My dad is a doctor and my mom is a high-powered NY attorney.
– Rudy Huxtable
PS: Look for my fat white friend Peter from across the street if you’re looking for late round OL.
29 ssjgsfjhgfsj // Mar 6, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Whoa whoa #10?????? Bobby Boucher should be going way higher than that possibly #1………………and plus keep in mind he can play QB too (Longest Yard) lol
30 pat // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:50 am
Ivory Christian and Boobie Miles were real people, not fictional.
Other than that, hilarious. I laughed alot.
31 2pies // Mar 7, 2008 at 6:39 am
Nate Ruffin - We Are Marshall
32 Prime1997 // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:18 am
You may want to be careful when drafting Julius Campbell. He was last scene overseeing the Baltimore drug trade under the alias Avon Barksdale.
No Don Billingsley? “You’re going out tonight. You’re going to get drunk and you’re going to get laid because we’re going to win state but not tonight.”
33 Tony Bania // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:30 am
How about Nelson from The Simpsons?
34 pornicater // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:36 am
yeah man wendell is this draft’s mcfadden.
35 Ned's younger brother // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:53 am
#9 Might be a bit high for Ricky Baker. I just don’t see him passing they Bengals’ physical, what with his constant struggle with his death inflicting gun shot wound.
Also, granted this is a list of movies but please, for the love of God, explain to me how 31 teams pass on Ox from Saved by the Bell?? Offensive Lineman like this Greek God only come around once in a blue moon. Plus, everyone knows he is the reason that Slater was able to stay pretty and beat Valley.
36 joemax // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:58 am
Hank Hill from King of the Hill is a solid RB - he won state.
37 shawn // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:59 am
Tom Cruise was a waaaaay undersized linebacker…not a qb
38 Johhny Rush // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:01 am
What about Lucas?
39 JKP // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:17 am
What about the starter from ‘Varsity Blues’ Lance Harbor. If Alvin Mack can come back from a serious knee injury so can Harbor. He’s the total package, plus he’s obviously better than Moxon, even if did get hurt. Top 10 pick easily.
40 Jason // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:28 am
Didn’t Ricky Baker die in Boyz in the Hood? I could see the other picks coming ack from injuries, but death. That’s a heart-warming story if I ever heard one.
41 Bryan // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:29 am
Tom Cruise was a corner, he always bit on the pump fake.
What about Matt Damon and Brendan Fraser in School Ties?
42 JayCee // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:33 am
Johnny Walker, qb, Johnny Be Good
43 Had some fun with this... // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:42 am
- Every con from the scrimmage in Necessary roughness (Butkis, Too tall, Rog Craig, Earl Campbell, Tony Dorsett, Jim Kelly and for the hell of it, Evander Holyfield)
- Nathan Arizona, Jr. (Raising Arizona) - I’ve only seen a small clip from his days at Arizona St, but the kid could not be tackled.
- Larry Kubiak (Parker Lewis Can’t Lose) - All-American from Santo Domingo High.
- Tim Riggins (Fri Night Lights TV) - Great bloodlines, but kind of an Owen Schmitt type. Not sure a FB can be a legit 1st rounder
- “Smash” Williams (FNL TV) - Rumors of steroid abuse, but a good back
- Jeff Megall (Thank You For Smoking) - Super confident & intelligent UCLA QB.
- Dauber Dybinski (Coach) - Certainly has the size. Intelligence not expected to be a strong point.
-Brandon Lang (Two for the Money) – A good talent, but past injuries and affinity for gambling likely deterrents.
- The “Protect This House” guy (Under Armour Commercials) - A stretch, but an incredible physical specimen. Does the endorsement ruin his eligibility?
- Nelson Muntz (The Simpsons) – Attitude problems a given, but the kid is a proven winner
- Randall “Pink” Floyd (Dazed & Confused) – A great talent, but questions about his passion abound.
- David Greene (School Ties) – A recognizable name, and a great arm…but rumor has it (whispering) he’s a Jew…
44 Stupid Eagles Fan // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:05 am
I heard that the Eagles are going to draft Rudy and trade him, along with a 3rd and 6th round pick for Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson.
45 johnnygee // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:11 am
hey! pretty boy from All TheRightMoves was a CB not a QB
46 chad // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:13 am
all you idiots that keep posting the names of players that were in the pros- read the guidelines for the draft. rejects, learn to read. and i’m all about peter griffin from “family guy.” the episode where he played for the pats- he owned everyone.
47 Mike // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:14 am
Junior Floyd could so run the Annexation of Puerto Rico for the Fins
48 joemax // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:14 am
What about Jamie O’Hara, the talented but uninspired WR from Rudy, played by Vince Vaughn?
Maybe the team would also have to take Rudy late (come on there’s no way he’s a first rounder) to keep O’Hara’s motivation levels up?
49 Put it here.... // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:24 am
Two from one movie, I thought about after reading the Giants pick (Icebox).
I would have thought that Spike (RB)(Little Giants) would have gone before O’Shea. Nobody carry’s refrigerators like him, or pull ups on daddy’s biceps either.
And even though the Patriots had no pick at the end of the 1st round, I thought they may sign the Asst. Coach of the little giants. You know the genius who invented the “annexation of Puerto Rico”? Bellicheck grooming this kid for the pro’s???? Watch out Tuna!
50 #9 pick - Ricky Baker // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:43 am
only problem here is - I am dead
51 Geoff // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:46 am
I have to agree - Randall “Pink” Floyd is a glaring omission.
Otherwise a fantastic list.
With all this talent left on the board, maybe a Draft Round 2 is in order?
52 Rainman // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:52 am
How could you forget David Dunn from Unbreakable? The guy turns out to be a superhero. As long as you don’t mind him not showing up for games in the rain he’s a solid first round pick.
Durability would not be a factor… although some may question his commitment to football.
53 Meathead // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:01 am
how about the 1-2 punch of Chico & Harpo Marx in Horse Feathers… tremendous Single Wing quarterback/HBack combo.
On the defensive side how about Forrest Whittaker from ‘Fast Times’…. the second coming of Butkus!
54 rey // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:09 am
bill dautrive from king of the hill. he was a bulldozing fullback who set scoring records.
55 Harvey Bars // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:10 am
Meathead, he was the second guy on the list…..
56 Kevin // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:11 am
“chad // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:13 am
all you idiots that keep posting the names of players that were in the pros- read the guidelines for the draft. rejects, learn to read. and i’m all about peter griffin from “family guy.” the episode where he played for the pats- he owned everyone.”
Way to completely contradict yourself…
57 ndhwn // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:18 am
In the 6th or 7th round, I would draft Jamie O’Hara (Vince Vaughn), Running Back, Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
His career was a disappointment, and his work ethic was questionable (”Last practice of the season, and this asshole thinks it’s the Superbowl), but he had the quarterback change the play to a running back pass to get Rudy in the game.
He’s the true hero…
58 ndhwn // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:21 am
How about David Kalaiki-Alii, the flyin Hawaiian, from King of the Hill?
A god among men. Bill Dautrive had to come out of retirement to reclaim the record.
59 Meathead // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:21 am
Any wonder why they call me ‘Meathead’ ?
60 ndhwn // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:23 am
Oops, didn’t notice joemax already said that.
Wasn’t O’Hara a running back? I thought he was standing in the backfield when Rudy planted his ass into the ground.
61 BJ Honeycutt // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:26 am
Spearchucker Jones is the unquestioned #1 pick. I will not argue about this.
62 PatrickEwing // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:33 am
Dr. Death from “Best of Times” was by far the best shutdown corner I have seen in a movie…with the exception of the spin move that juked his ass for the winning touchdown
63 FootBall Geek // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:40 am
David Greene, Option QB. (Brandon Fraiser - School Ties, 1993) So darn good that a Catholic School brought in a memeber of the Jewish Community(under the cloak of darkness of course)
64 UMVictor // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:52 am
I really think the Eagles need an OL and Rudy doesn’t cut it…If I’m them, I am taking Doug Heffernan (King of Queens). He told me he made the big block in the State Title game and I believe him.
Also, look for a late round sleeper at QB in Matt Sarazen (Friday Night Lights TV). Strong work ethic and no off field issues.
65 Cooptastic // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:58 am
What about Gerry Bertier? You cannot replace a Gerry Bertier…
66 Brutal // Mar 7, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Where’s Clifford Franklin? There’s nothing a big glob of stick-um can’t fix!
67 Theodore // Mar 7, 2008 at 12:13 pm
How come Goofy didn’t make the list?
68 GeigerCounter // Mar 7, 2008 at 12:41 pm
how about vince vaughn a la wedding crashers… he was 1st team all state in high school. he could make it rain out there.
69 Nater8 // Mar 7, 2008 at 12:50 pm
What about Jeremy Grey(Vince Vaughn) and Sack Lodge(Bradley Cooper) from Wedding Crashers. Jeremy was “first team all State, I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I’ll make it rain out here”. And Sack Lodge was a great pass rusher with some receiving skills. But I think Sack’s receiving has more to do with Secretary Clearly’s(Christopher Walken) passing.
70 Mr Bator // Mar 7, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Paging Mr. Bator…
71 Simpsons Did it // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:08 pm
good try, but it looks like you’re a year late.
http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2007/04/2007-mock-movie-football-player-draft.html
72 PJ // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:31 pm
wouldn’t any of the prisoners in The Longest Yard count, other than Crewe, i’d take Megget, and the guy Mike Irvin played
73 todd // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:32 pm
What, no Spike Hammersmith from Little Giants!!! “Spike don’t play with girls”
74 Michigan Mongoose // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:32 pm
2 big omisions:
1. Clark Kent, Smallville High
2. All the brothers from Wildcats
75 Joemama // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:35 pm
um, hello, how about Gavin Grey “The Grey Ghost” from Everybody’s All-American….
Running back like that should go top 5 at least, he also played defense and could time the snap!
76 Barney // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:39 pm
What no Fred Flintstone?
77 The Giant // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:01 pm
KOAJ has a spring training lock on tap for tomorrow. Is anyone going to purchase it?
78 Special K // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Uhhh are we forgetting Mike Dexter from Can’t Hardly Wait? Mike Dexter is a god. He even outshone Trip McNealy, who casted a large shadow.
I see Dexter going as a DB somewhere in the late teens.
79 TD Taco // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:17 pm
How the hell do you leave off Wayne Lefessier (Steve Zahn; Saving Silverman) The most dominating 3rd string Quarterback the Wheaton Warbirds have ever produced. That league was no joke either. cucaw cucaw!
80 Voice of Reason // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I’m disappointed that Paul Crewe from the Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds), or really any of the inmates since some of them were actually real football players.
Also Bird or Trumaine from Wilcats (Trumaine was Wesley Snipes), Johnny Walker from Johny B Goode (Anthony Michael Hall),
81 dwboiler // Mar 7, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Where is Terry Tate office linebacker? Should be a top 10 pick.
82 chandler // Mar 7, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Boobie miles won’t ever be the same after tearing his knee up. I think the Chargers should have tried to trade up for Darnell Jefferson.
83 McNulty // Mar 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Tim Wayman is a system QB. He will be a bust in the NFL.
84 J.T. // Mar 7, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Where is Nelly??? (The Longest Yard) Or Adam Sandler for that matter???
85 shinebox // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Why isn’t it surprising that the Bengals didn’t do their homework. Ricky Baker was shot dead days after taking his SAT’s
86 spazzoli // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Watch for the sleeper pick Jake Hoyt DB (Training Day ) late in the first round he’s a great solid hitter and a good locker room guy.
87 kickers // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm
you cant draft people that are or were already in the pros. that includes paul crewe. what about fulton reed from the mighty ducks? he was getting scholarships when he was 10! you know he is a team player because he gave up his football career to help his friends and he is loyal to his coach even if you did sarcasticly call them “losers”.
88 max58 // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Gaint - your ass sme ll like fea t
89 ndhwn // Mar 7, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Here’s a sleeper pick…
Jesse Harper (Matthew Lawrence) in Angels in the End Zone. Did you see that breakaway speed when no one even touched him on his touchdown run?
After his father died, he channelled his inner Brett Favre and won the game…
90 Matthew "Lou" Newman // Mar 7, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Jerry “The Rev” Harris and Ray (if he can overcome his racist beliefs) from Remmeber the Titans.
Junior Floyd, Briggs (the Cowboys QB) and Sean Murphy (the heart and sole of the Cowboys according to the real Coach O’Shea) as well as Coach O’Shea himself, how can we leave off a heisman trophy winner.
Flea Ward and Thigpen (the Iowa RB who bowls over an unjuiced Latimer) and Bobby Collins who could be the next Frank Reich
91 EM31 // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Clifford Franklin “The football’s like a one-man cold to Clifford Franklin. Clifford Franklin’s the only man catching’ it, Clifford Franklin’s the only man comin’ down wid it.” The Replacements
92 LazyMF // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:52 pm
All of you “scouts” forgot the best placekicker available - Gus the Mule: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074599/
Oitch!
Also, I hear Bellichik is going to use the Flubber Gas this year to gain an advantage.
93 Ben // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Walt and Bob Tenner!!!
94 jekst67 // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Ogar “played” on defense (was their defensive capt.) for Adams College. Not the OL.
95 kirk // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:33 pm
That’s about right, The Bungholes draft a RB with a very questionable family background. It’s apparent they want to try to resurrect this soul from his rundown neighborhood, but do they realize they will HAVE TO RESURRECT HIM!
He died in the movie. Shot in the back.
96 BWonders5 // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:07 pm
How about the great Reno Hightower from “The Best of Times”. You put him in those white shoes and he was unstoppable! I’d rather see the Bears take him than Moxon.
97 Ben // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:40 pm
With the 1st pick, the Miami Dolphins select LB Tate from Reebok. Here comes the pain train!
98 Brad // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:17 pm
They mention the Cardinals liked Gerry Bertier more than Julius Campbell, but he was umm never mind
yet the Bengals took Rickey Baker from Boyz in da hood and he was killed in that movie. Once again the Bengals goofed on draft day
99 Loser // Mar 8, 2008 at 6:15 am
I really need a life. But here’s my second round. This formatting should work well.
Miami Dolphins Protect This House Guy
Rams Ox
Falcons Smash Williams
Raiders Nelson Muntz
Chiefs Clark Kent
Jets Harlan Meyers
San Fran A.C. Slater
Ravens Lance Harbor
Bengals Evander Holyfield
Saints David Dunn
Bills Dave Lattin
Broncos Hank Hill
Panthers Randall Floyd
Bears Wendell Brown
Lions Junior Floyd
Cardinals Bill Dauterive
Vikings Rev Harris
Texans Fulton Reed
Eagles David Greene
Bucs Tim Riggins
Redskins Brian Chavez
Browns Gerry Bertier
Steelers Anton Lubchenko
Titans Nathan Arizona
Seahawks Nate Ruffin
Jaguars David Kalaiki-Alii
Chargers Don Billingsley
Cowboys Earl Megget
Indianpolis Hanon
Packers Jeremy Grey
Patriots Jaime O’Hara
Giants Manumana
100 Graig // Mar 8, 2008 at 6:45 am
Yes, I posted something like this last year on my site, which Simpsons Did It linked to. But this is far better, hell, I even mentioned that I just copied and pasted someone’s work. Nice job here, I’m putting you on the blogroll as long as you don’t sexually harass me, Mike Tirico.
101 Kyle // Mar 8, 2008 at 7:33 am
what about willie beamer
102 adadf // Mar 8, 2008 at 7:35 am
what about any given sunday? steamin’ willie beaman!
103 Kyle // Mar 8, 2008 at 7:35 am
i see willie beamer was already pro right?
104 Rex // Mar 8, 2008 at 7:37 am
You forgot some offensive line help. “Nerds” Harry Wagon can help at any guard position. His Ron Jeremy mustache ensures leverage.
105 Stacey // Mar 8, 2008 at 8:00 am
- The Mac Davis and Nick Nolte combo from North Dallas Forty would stimulate painkiller sales.
- I’d spend a late round pick on Salami from White Shadow, and see if he can’t play a little fullback or special teams.
- Coach Goldie Hawn could cost you a compensatory draft pick if you steal her from Wildcats High School.
- As long as no one figures out that you’re attempting to draft all of the kids from the Wolverines team in Colorado over the course of a few staggered late round picks, you could have all the Red Dawn kids, with Lea Thompson cheering.
- While the Parkinson’s Syndrome might give him a bad case of the drops, no one could argue spending a late round pick on the Teen Wolf.
- The guy from Spiderman who keeps trying to steal Mary Jane.
- The Wayans brother from The Last Boy Scout.
- Ronald Reagan as the Gipper would be no less ludicrous (drafting a doomed character) than drafting the Boyz In The Hood kid.
- Tell me that you wouldn’t want to head into a Super Bowl goal line stand by having Billy Bear from Predator come out shirtless/padless, slice his own chest open with a hunting knife, and just stand there howling….
106 Bird // Mar 8, 2008 at 8:02 am
I’m thinking the Falcons might take a flier on Bird from “Wildcats” in a later round. He’s got the same issues as Vick, but pulled himself together enough to quarterback his team to the championship. Something Vick wasn’t able to do…
107 You're all amazing, amazlingly stupid // Mar 8, 2008 at 8:13 am
I find it amazing how dumb most of you are. The writer clearly states “In order to be eligible for this draft a player must have maintained his or her amateur status,” yet most of you are too stupid to read that and continue to suggest fictional pro athletes like you are making some great revelation. Morons…
108 Tim // Mar 8, 2008 at 9:09 am
And the draft is labeled ” 2008 NFL MOVIE Character Mock Draft.” I can’t believe how many people called out TV football players as omissions.
109 Tom // Mar 8, 2008 at 9:18 am
No centers on the list? What about Zoltek!!
110 Cap // Mar 8, 2008 at 9:31 am
Yea it took a while but WILLIE BEAMEN. Dual threat QB.
And what about Shark Lavay! “Don’t drop me, I’m worth a million bucks!”
111 TT BOY // Mar 8, 2008 at 10:04 am
I agree that Clark Kent from Superman 1 should be on this as the greatest kicker ever. Who else could kick a football into outer space??? Plus if he ever drops the snap, he can simply fly over people into the endzoxe
112 Mel Kiper III // Mar 8, 2008 at 10:06 am
Voodoo Tatum (FNL TV) - He obviously has all the tools–among the best in this draft. He’s a Bird (Wildcats) for the new millennium, but character issues could cause him to drop big time.
Reggie Ray (Not Another Teen Movie) - A poor man’s Billy Bob. Unfortunately, I don’t think his buddy Jake Wyler has the goods to get drafted.
Nordberg (Naked Gun series) - No football references, but I don’t know, he just looks like a football player…among other things.
Curly Howard (Three Stooges) - Size, speed, and when provoked, rage. Accomplished multi-sport athlete. Could have Hester-esque issues picking up today’s complex schemes though.
Mitch McDeere (The Firm) - Since this seems to be the year that everyone is taking fliers on players with bad knees, let’s not forget that Mitch was very highly recruited QB in HS until he blew out his knee. Driven, highly intelligent. Played on and off at W. Kentucky. Since we’re talking about movie versions, Mitch is not hiding at sea and thus would be available.
Leo Wiggins (JBG) - Anyone drafting Johnny Walker might have to sign his backup Leo to the practice squad to placate him. Unfairly labeled as a running quarterback after that long TD scamper in the state title game.
Greg Meaney (The Waterboy) - Draft stock fell a little bit after being powerbombed by Bobby Boucher in the Bourbon Bowl, but still a solid prospect.
113 P-doag // Mar 8, 2008 at 11:03 am
Hey, if Al Bundy can be drafted, then so can Dan Connor. He was an All-District offensive lineman for Lanford H.S. (Illinois) three years in a row. And recently I also heard he was quite a linebacker at Penn State.
114 Bou // Mar 8, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Randell (pink) Flyod dropped out of the first round because of major character issues. Him not signing that player conduct form, pledging that he wouldnt drink or smoke, was a major red flag.
115 BoCash // Mar 8, 2008 at 12:19 pm
The Kicker from the replacements….. there needs to be more cigerette smoking, beer, I mean pint(he’s a Brit) drinking kickers in the NFL, and whats boot!
116 jason // Mar 8, 2008 at 1:03 pm
miles from friday night lights goes SO much higher
117 Mel Kiper III // Mar 8, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@ Tim
The author kind of broke his own rules by putting Al Bundy on there (unless there’s a MWC movie out there that I don’t know about.) I can’t disagree with that pick though…what a steal at #6.
@ Grey Ghost and Joemama
Gavin Grey, aka the Grey Ghost, played for the Redskins and would not be eligible.
118 Sigh // Mar 8, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Ogre was a TE
119 Jonathan Moxon is just one man // Mar 8, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Anyone have a problem with Wendell putting one in the end zone?
120 RZA // Mar 8, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Necessary Roughness:(Ones missed in 1st round or posts)
Charlie Banks
Sargie ‘Fumblina’ Wilkinson
Eric ‘Samorai’ Hansen
Wyatt Beaudry
Jarvis Edison
Papke
Sidney ‘Doberman’ Harris
Little Giants:
Rudy Zolteck
Fast Eddie
121 RZA // Mar 8, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Oh yea don’t forget about “Hot Hands”.
By the way I think that Paul Blake should have been the first quarterback taken because he can throw the the football at 100mph and hit a dime from 50 yards away
122 fattyboomboom // Mar 8, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Flash gordon QB- New York Jets
123 Weeb // Mar 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Problem:
Lattimer’s not a linebacker. He’s a DL. Besides, why would the Pats take ‘roid-filled Lattimer over Alvin Mack? He’d put 250 pounds of pissed-off nigga up the Jets’ asses.
124 dan // Mar 9, 2008 at 12:22 am
what about the Rock from that movie where he has a little girl….wasn’t his nickname “The King”, first round forusre
125 Coop // Mar 9, 2008 at 6:50 am
Football is a one man cold for Clifford Franklin, Clifford Franklin only one catchin it, Clifford Franklin only one comin down with it!
126 coastguardguy79 // Mar 9, 2008 at 1:35 pm
how bout Brendan Fraser from school ties heck of a runnong back
127 Fedso // Mar 9, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Boucher at #10???
Didn’t he have like 20 sacks in the first half once?
128 AFWriter // Mar 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Two words: Terry Tate.
I’m sure the transition from Office Linebacker to Mike (or Will) for the Lions would be tough — but Terry’s up to the challenge. Personally, I’d think the Lions would jump on this kind of guy — because if he doesn’t make it on the field, he’d be great for cleaning up the front office after Matt Millen finally gets run out of town.
Imagine Terry Tate in the Lions front office on draft day 2009 …
“You’re drafting ANOTHER receiver? Oh, hell no. Get ready stooges — the pain train is coming! Choo choo!”
That’s the pick that NEEDS to be on this list.
129 Mike // Mar 9, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I really think Ice Box is underrated. I see her going to the Pats at number 7.
130 Hitman // Mar 9, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Lattimer looks wicked!
I think Baker got shot and killed though. Don’t take him!
I had Boucher a little higher.
I’m surprised there is nobody from Any Given Sunday. Good flick.
Rudy could go early in the 2nd and that QB from School Ties looked good.
131 Buckeye Dan // Mar 9, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I’m thinking Jimmy Chittwood (Hoosiers). I know he played basketball but when it comes to clutch time with one play left, who would be better to have the ball in their hand?
132 The Rock // Mar 9, 2008 at 6:33 pm
What about the Rock from the game plan?
133 brekkon // Mar 9, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Wouldnt the bengals, cowboys and raiders penchant for wanting criminals on their teams limit them to drafting players from the longest yard?
#4 Oakland takes Guard Dunham (Stone Cold Steve Austin) Shortly after taking him it is rumored he will miss the first 4 games because of steroids. That is quickly dispelled when an unnamed source reports he never really took steroids but was actually taking estrogen pills.
Cincinatti takes Earl Megget, (Nelly), from The longest yard. Reports that he will be suspended the first 8 games by the commish do not discourage them from taking him #9 over all
The cowboys draft Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin) from “The longest yard” 2005 he just reminds them so much of someone they used to have on their team.
134 luke // Mar 9, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Wheres Maget aka Nelly from the longest yard.
135 Tony Danza // Mar 10, 2008 at 5:40 am
Barney Gorman, kicker, from Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. Talk about the feel good story of the year….”from rags to ritches.”
136 JG // Mar 10, 2008 at 6:14 am
Come on now, Smash Williams would be a top 10 pick
137 Coach Nickerson // Mar 10, 2008 at 6:48 am
Stef was not even in the top 3 for best players on the 1983 Ampipe High football team. Where’s Clarence “Rifleman” Oliver? What about Shadow? Brian Reilly will be back from his honeymoon in Pittsburgh in time for the draft.
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