Tirico Suave

Linda Hogan recently filed for divorce from her husband, Hulk Hogan. Where does she think she can go from here? Her options are limited. The wrestling business is just like the porno business. They are both voyeuristic in nature and thus are intended to cause a little bit of shame. The people involved can never find anyone better outside that world than from within. Look at Jenna Jameson. She’s the most famous female ever in her industry, but when she crossed over, she topped out at Kid Rock. She probably couldn’t even get Tobey Maguire’s number if she wanted to. Each profession is so unique you almost have to date your co-workers. It’s never easy to routinely come home and tell your loved one that you tore your rotator cuff hitting the Boogeyman with a chair or that you hyperextended your dick in the middle of a multi-racial threesome unless they have experienced something of a similar nature themselves. But Linda Hogan, at age 48, thinks she can do better than Terry Bollea. The guy bodyslammed Andre the Giant. He ended the Gulf War. He’s bringing American Gladiators back to the airwaves. Ok, yeah, he wasn’t there in a lot during the crucial years when the kids were growing up and maybe he never got around to showing Nick how to drive, but the man won back-to-back Royal Rumbles!

She can’t date a regular person. If I went on a date with Linda Hogan, I’d be edge the whole time, frantic that as soon as I went in for a kiss, the lights would go out, Real American would hit, and before you know it I’m the victim of a four-foot leg drop. Not to mention that sleeping with Hogan’s woman automatically makes you a bad guy. I don’t want to get booed every single time I enter a room with my own music, jumbotron video and working microphone. She’s limited to wrestlers only. So, tell us Linda who do you have your eye on? Lex Luger? Repo Man suddenly available? Do you have an antler fetish? Even if you wanted to get back at him by becoming the Macho Queen, you risk falling victim to the same fate that the last two women Randy Savage was last seen with suffered. What bothers me most is, just, what kind of Hulkamania could have been reigned down upon Linda that she wants the Hulkster out of her life forever after all he’s provided for her? He’s a wrestling God. He’s a symbol of the sport itself. If he wants Nasty Boy Knobbs to be an uncle to your children, you let him. If he finishes every argument by turning you over and spray painting “N.W.O.” down your spine, so be it. I don’t care if he slept with four woman, Survivor Series’ style, over Thanksgiving weekend. Hollywood gets a pass. If I were the Hulk, I’d hire the Reverend Slick as my divorce attorney and the only task he’d be required to perform, was as soon as Linda as finished signing the papers, he’d stand up, walk over to the pre-assembled WWF backdrop I had setup beforehand and sing, “Turn out the lights…..the party’s overrrrrr.”