Tirico Suave

I haven’t gotten in a fight since 4th grade, so I don’t know what it’s like to stare into the eyes of Mr. T 2007, but Bo Cantrell can’t be happy with his Jim Everett-esque performance Saturday night against Kimbo Slice. Granted, Slice is a scary dude. That little piece of jewelry around his neck might actually have been a human hand at one point, but if you’re Bo Cantrell, a 235 pound MMA fighter, it should be against the rules to tap out after thirty seconds. I wouldn’t have planned to spend the night watching this fight from the comfort of my couch, while drinking hot chocolate and wearing slippers (because sometimes my tootsies get cold), if he wasn’t willing to put his life on the line. As punishment for crapping his diapers on the biggest stage of his life, Cantrell should have been forced to have his vagina striped goatee shaved in the middle of the ring by the man who beat him. That’s how Vince McMahon would have handled things, and he’s been successfully dealing with athletes for over thirty years.