Tirico Suave

Via MLB.com:

The Mets signed 16-year-old Juan Urbina on Thursday, a Major League scout told MLB.com.

The Venezuelan left-hander is expected to receive a $1.25 million signing bonus on the first day of Major League Baseball’s international player signing period.

Urbina, listed at 6-foot-2, is said to have a fastball in the upper 80s and a good breaking ball.

Urbina’s father, Ugueth, pitched 11 seasons in the Major Leagues, compiling a 3.45 ERA and 237 saves. Ugueth is currently in prison in Venezuela.

Upper 80s and a breaking ball? I know he’s young, but you’d expect an Urbina to bring with him a nasty cutter and a whole bunch of gas. Ho damn! Up top! But seriously Juan, don’t fuck with Jerry. He’ll slice you up something fierce.

Greatest pic ever courtesy of Threadbombing.
With the Fourth of July just about upon us, Rotten Tomatoes is running a 50 Movies for 50 States feature where they select the movie that best represents each state. Some are obvious. Some states got hosed. Jersey got Clerks, and rightfully so. But the most inspiring selection belongs to my current state, California:

There’s no shortage of movies we could’ve used to represent California. Chinatown and The Maltese Falcon as the classic noirs. Vertigo or Zodiac to show off the darker side of the Bay Area. Crash to show off racial diversity. Maybe Monterey Pop Festival to pay tribute to the Golden State’s rich musical history. But for a movie to represent the typical outsider’s idea of California, it’s gotta be Point Break. The movie’s a big Hollywood action flick that’s all about extreme California livin’: beach settings, house parties, skydiving, and a whole lot of surfing. There are girls with weird hair, guys with ridiculous names, and a beach bum as your gun toting government hero. Only in California!

After the Knicks gave up 142 points to the Warriors, I officially gave up on Mike D’Antoni’s players-like-me-so-much-because-this-is-an-extension-of-AAU style.

It was Marbury-esque to use the third-person in the title of this post, but now I’m going to take it a step further and quote myself:

Mike D’Antoni arrived in NY and sold his SSOL philosophy to the fans and media.

He promised a high-scoring offensive orgy of Roman proportions.

But after giving up an average of 107 ppg through the first 51 games, it has felt more like a one-sided fuck fest with our anus tagged as orifice No. 1.

Simply put: Playboy’s style won’t work here in NY.

From the beginning of the Pat Riley era in 1991-92 to the end of the Van Gundy era in 2000-01, the Knicks gave up an average of 91.7 ppg. Regarded as a team that embodied the city, NY finished as a Top 3 defensive squad seven of the 10 years and were inside the Top 6 the other three seasons.

In those 10 seasons, the Knicks made it to the NBA Finals twice, Eastern Conference Finals twice and the Eastern Conference Semis five times. We lost in the first round of the playoffs — a seemingly fictitious place that we got a peep show of once in the past seven years — just once.

Approximately five months later and we can deduce that Stephon has become an ardent reader of The Suave.

I mean, how else can you explain this?

“I wouldn’t want to play in that system,” Marbury told The Post. “That system can’t win championships. You can’t win championships if you don’t talk about defense. In Boston, the coaches even play defense.”

Warped minds think alike, I suppose.

Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez and Chad Pennington have sold their souls to a Nikon camera.

Not to be outdone by his fellow AFC East quarterbacks, Trent Edwards decided it was time to get lusty in front of a lens and strike a few awkward poses.

And boy were they awkward.

Buffalo’s third-year quarterback leaked the following photos to the Tirico Suave Zine, which actually has more subscribers than the Bills have season-ticket holders. (or not)

With that said, I’m proud to present Buffalo’s very own beacon of modeling.

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That.

Was.

Disturbing.

There had to be a better way to deal with your jealousy, Chad.

A site called Roto Info has a post entitled “2003 Steroid list leaks out?” which contains no links or sources and just names 103 MLB players who were active in 2003, to which I thought “That’s brilliant! I could do that!” And I did. So here is my list of MLBers who I suspect took steroids. Did I say suspect? I mean, I know they definitely did it and I’m hoping my painstaking research and journalistic fortitude damages not only their careers but their personal and family lives as well.

I just want to say, right off the bat, I stand by what I wrote. If OTL would like an interview, I have a few conditions that I would like them to meet before I agree to anything: 1) I want none of this Steve Bunin clown. Save him for when you want to blindside kind, young misinterpreted bloggers from the Midwest. I’m originally from NJ and now San Diego which is really close to Hollywood. I’m big time, ok. You thaw out Bob Ley or I don’t show. 2) Tonight’s no good. Weeds is on and I probably want to watch a little bit of Raw since there was a PPV yesterday. And I may want to nap before Conan comes on. Tuesday’s fine and so is Wednesday, I mean, I watch Top Chef Masters, but it kind of sucks and and I DVR it anyway. 3) I also want final cut.

Now that we’ve settled that. What you came here for. The goods. And just so you know, my list is so much better than Roto Info’s. I wasn’t lazy like them. I didn’t limit myself to just 2003 (or to baseball players, or athletes or people that actually exist). Some of us just try harder, you know us real journalists.

The Only MLB Steroid List That Matters
1. Darren Daulton (1 for 1 already, mofos)
2. Josh Hamilton (I don’t think he took steroids on purpose, but had to borrow a used syringe from Canseco at some point)
3. Phil Niekro
4. Joe Niekro
5. Charlie Hough
6. Dusty Baker’s kid
7. Morganna the Kissing Bandit
8. The crappy Molina
9. Alfred Molina
10. Chris Sabo’s optometrist
11. Mo Rivera (shocking, but RBI production way up as of late)
12. Sid Bream
13. Sid Fernandez
14. Ken Rosenthal
15. John Tudor
16. Tom Niedenfuer
17. Anthony Young
18. Rich Garces
19. Dave Stewart (although I’m guessing Stewart did not take PEDs for on field performance as much as he did to counteract his distinctly effeminate voice)
20. Alan Thicke
21. The little black kid who died in Hardball.
22. Chet Steadman.
23. Rusty Kuntz
24. Rusty Staub
25. Tom Paciorek
26. Brett Favre
27. Deanna Favre
28. Cal Worthington
29. Sadaharu Oh
30. Josh Gibson
31. Hamilton Porter
32. Juan Pierre
33. Billy Beane
34. Bill James
35. Michael Lewis
36. David Nied
37. Nigel Wilson
38. Mel Stottlemyre Sr. (never as a player, only while coaching)
39. Cory Snyder
40. Delino DeShields or Mike Sharperson, whichever one’s not dead. I forget.
41. Ozzie Canseco
42. Oh yeah, A-Rod.
43. Bob Sheppard
44. Suzyn Waldman
45. Eric Karros
46. Jeanne Zelasko
47. Tsuyoshi Shinjo
48. Mark Corey
49. Tony Tarasco
50. Mike LaValliere
51. Buddy Biancalana
52. Brien Taylor
53. Ben McDonald
54. Boog Powell
55. Curtis Armstrong
56. Ben Davis, seriously that guy was built like Batista.
57. Donald Fehr
58. Chico Escuela
59. Mario Mendoza
60. Gus Triandos (sorry, Herc)
61. Ken Phelps (after the Buhner deal)
62. Tony Gwynn
63. Cal Ripken Sr.
64. That batshit Blue Jays manager who made up all those Vietnam stories
65. Henry Rodriguez
66. Abner Doubleday
67. The sausage (Randall Simon hates cheaters)
68. Walt Weiss
69. Randall Simon
70. Don Zimmer
71. Nobody from the Pirates since Barry Bonds left
72. Jimmy Clausen
73. Danny Gans
74. Billy Mays
75. Steve Lattimer
76. Kevin Negandhi
77. Don Mossi
78. Manon Rhéaume
79. Dave Nilsson
80. Bart Giamatti
81. Paul Giamatti
82. Charlie Kerfeld
83. Joe Nuxhall
84. Bob Feller (not 100% sure, but he was a dick to me when I was 13 and wanted his autograph at a card show. You fucked with the wrong bull, Feller!)
85. This guy.
86. Bill Veeck
87. Jim Bouton
88. George Will
89. Henry Chadwick
90. Jay Johnstone (only during Naked Gun filming)
91. Felix Hernandez (I don’t play favorites, c’mon the guy slugged 4.000 last year!)
92. Ted Turner
93. Jane Fonda
94. Ken Oberkfell
95. Pie Traynor
96. Three Finger Brown
97. Dr. James Andrews
98. Dr. Lewis Yocum
99. Jeremy Brown
100. Craig Grebeck
101. Mark Lemke
102. Freddie Patek
103. George Mitchell

I’m already bored by Brandon Jennings. This actually surprises me immensely. Between the gnarly, retro flattop fro, his propensity to buck the system and an apparent friendship with Joe Budden, you’d think I’d be all over this guy. But alas, no. I think he’s going to be a massive pain in the ass. And by no means am I putting him in TO’s or Brett Favre’s class just yet. He’s simply isn’t worth anyone’s time right now.

One iota of information from Jennings conversation I do find interesting:

Budden: You better worry about Ramon Sessions, diggin’ in your ass, (pause).
Jennings: He’s not going to be here. [inaudible] That money is going to Charlie.
Budden: Nigga, Ramon Sessions is gonna be there.
Jennings: I doubt it.

I’ve spoken of my fondness for Sessions before and I think he’s going to pay off massive dividends to whatever team signs him away from Milwaukee (given that Jennings statement has any sort of credibility). And it’s funny (in that unfunny sense) that Budden is involved with all this as there are actually some parallels between Sessions NBA resume and Budden’s rap career. Neither are really known to the casual fan but those in the know (read: me, obviously) see occasional flashes of brilliance and wonder what could be achieved if only they were in the right situation. The part of Jay-Z in this analogy will be played by Scott Skiles. Granted, Budden hasn’t done much since parting ways with Def Jam, but I don’t necessarily why a team like the Knicks for instance, would throw a shitload of money at a name like Jason Kidd when Sessions is much younger, would come much cheaper and may even fit D’Antoni’s system better than Kidd would.

UPDATE: Hey whattya know, turns out Jennings knew less about his new team than Joe Budden did. Don’t sign it, Ramon!

I heard of Michael Jackson’s passing en route to a beer league softball game.

Upon arriving at the field, I saw our first baseman bullshitting with an opposing player.

“Did you hear about Jackson?” my teammate said.

“Yeah, great news,” the opposing player said. “One more child molester is dead.”

Despite MJ’s dicey pedo-past, it just didn’t feel “right” to hear someone react in such a manner. But it was far from shocking. After being accused of sexual abuse in 1993, Mike became a target for hatred.

There were countless other underlying issues that haunted his life, ranging from being abused as a child to drug use and anorexia. As years passed, the flux of vices seemed to multiply and weight heavily on Mike. On June 25, 2009, it all came crashing down.

But throughout the entire downward spiral, there remained one constant: an ability to create the purest pop music in history.

And while some will use Mike’s untimely death as an excuse to piss all over his ashes,  I’ll just turn up the music and drown it out.

I suggest you do the same.

Upon grasping the reality of his situation, Spanish prodigy Ricky Rubio got frost-bitten feet.

Suddenly, it didn’t sound like such a hot idea to dish out $5.5 million to plant the seeds of his NBA career on frozen tundra.

Rubio, who said it was his dream to play in the NBA, was even willing to play free of charge.

Somewhere along the way, I’m assuming he realized that an NBA career in Minnesota was a frozen dream — not a wet one.

With the draft now only mere hours away, it’s time to unveil my mock, chock full o’analysis, in-depth research, and expert picks. Ok… none of that is true, but at the very least this will provide you with five minutes of distraction from your real job. In this mock I am only including one foreign player because my day job doesn’t allow me the free time to follow the Rio De Janeiro junior B leagues nearly as close as I did in college. And since just guessing what NBA GMs will do is a fairly dull premise, I’ve also included the picks I would were I running the team myself. This way, I can reveal my affinity for a certain psycho, roof jumping white boy from Chapel Hill to the world. Without any further ado…..
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