Tirico Suave

Big Mikey’s talent has no ceiling, folks.

John from Wayne, NJ — John Wayne — called up Big Mikey’s show this afternoon.

In between a mindless point about batting Nick Swisher second, someone very close to John Wayne took a healthy bong hit.

Big Mikey looked up, secretly wondering if it was the start of another bout with explosive diarrhea.

Nope, just some unemployed Jersey-ite smoking some baby shit.

You know how occasionally some crotchety old baseball writer or one of the idiots on Around The Horn will pad their insipid argument with something along the lines of “Players don’t care about these newfangled stats. They just want to go out there every five days and throw strikes. You really think Zack Greinke cares about his VORP, FIP, ZAP or whatever it’s called?!?” Well, archetypal sports curmudgeon, you’re wrong. Zack Greinke will FIP you. He will FIP you Fo’ Real!:

Via:

Bannister said Greinke has learned to adjust his pitching based on the advanced defensive statistics. Because of the size of the outfield at Kauffman Stadium and the strength of the Royals’ outfielders, relative to their infielders, it sometimes made more sense to induce fly balls.

“David DeJesus had our best zone rating,” Bannister said, referring to the Royals’ left fielder. “So a lot of times, Zack would pitch for a fly ball at our park instead of a ground ball, just because the zone rating was better in our outfield and it was a big park.”

To that end, Bannister introduced Greinke to FIP, or Fielding Independent Pitching, the statistic Greinke named Tuesday as his favorite. It is a formula that measures how well a pitcher performed, regardless of his fielders. According to fangraphs.com, Greinke had the best FIP in the majors.

“That’s pretty much how I pitch, to try to keep my FIP as low as possible,” Greinke said.

Moral of the story: don’t watch Around The Horn. Or listen to old people.

Returning to his childhood home for Cleveland’s Brownout against Baltimore, MNF announcer Jon Gruden was a little out of sorts.

While I didn’t record all of Gruden’s loose-lipped quips, I managed to archive the following nugget.

For the 10 percent of unemployed Americans, this is for you.

If you are unable to read Jon Gruden’s penmanship, allow me to translate it.

you are my favorit team could you please send me som autagraphed pictures of the team

The Suave got its hands on a simmiliar letter that a young Brady Quinn sent to former Browns head coach Bill Belichick.

Sometimes I say dumb things. This is one of those instances:

I’m already bored by Brandon Jennings. This actually surprises me immensely. Between the gnarly, retro flattop fro, his propensity to buck the system and an apparent friendship with Joe Budden, you’d think I’d be all over this guy. But alas, no. I think he’s going to be a massive pain in the ass. And by no means am I putting him in TO’s or Brett Favre’s class just yet. He’s simply isn’t worth anyone’s time right now.

Flash forward to November 2009. Jennings has been lighting the league up while leading the Bucks to a 4-2 record. Then came tonight’s game when he decided to go off and on 12-12 shooting for 29 points in the third quarter. He ended the game with a Bucks rookie record 55 points, five boards, five assists along with seven three’s in 129-125 win over the Warriors. Wow. Wow. Wow.

It’s at this juncture that I’d just like to say to young Brandon that I couldn’t have been more wrong about him. I should have his association with fellow Jerseyan Joe Budden as a personal sign. He’s not just talented. He’s ‘make the Milwaukee Bucks 5-2 and relevant to the NBA scene’ talented. He’s a superstar. He’s a reason to buy the NBA season package. He’s forcing himself into the conversation when it comes to the great young point guards of the league. He scooped up the buzz that was supposed to be reserved for Ricky Rubio. He’s making Knicks fans hate Jordan Hill more and more by the day. THIS WAS THE POINT GUARD YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS. Did you even have a scout in Europe last year? Ooooh, right. What a goddamn shame. Jennings in D’Antoni’s system might average 40 PPG.

Apparently, Stephon went on a newspaper-buying spree this afternoon.

He offered commentary on a few choice writers:

And everyone said the newspaper industry was dying!

HA!

America was introduced to this Rutgers/Bon Jovi fan — imagine that! — on YouTube last year.

Well, ESPN ventured into Piscataway last night for the Scarlet Knights’ matchup against USF and tracked down Lil’ Jovi. They took the boy from out behind that shitty 3.1 megapixel camera and plopped him in front of an HD one. And then they threw Erin Andrew into the mix.

Lil’ Jovi — embodying the personality of another one of Jersey’s most famous sons — didn’t disappoint.

4-7 seconds: “Just how the teammates are . . . fuck this team in its swampy asshole!”

7-11 seconds: “They are doing OK this season.” Translation: We didn’t pay Schiano all this green to watch the team climax with another pedestrian home win over an equally unimpressive Big East team.

Lest we forget Rutgers only has to beat Greg Paulus’ Orange next week to ensure the program’s third straight season with at least eight wins. Yes, this is the same team that averaged roughly three wins a year during the 90s. With that said, Lil’ Jovi might be the first entitled Rutgers football fan in the program’s sordid history.

18 seconds: Notre Dame has Joe Montana. Rutgers has Mike Teel.

The Teel appeal — if not completely hilarious — is understandable. He completed 21-of-26 passes for 447 yards and seven touchdowns in last year’s 63-14 drubbing of visiting Louisville, which is the game Lil’ Jovi is reminiscing about. Too bad that was the pinnacle of Teel’s quarterbacking life. Now, he’s relegated to backing up a bald asshole in Seattle.

22-25 seconds: The name “Tom Savage” should NEVER be included in a sentence with the bastardized verb “ballin’.”

29-30 seconds: Points are nice, sure. You know what’s nicer? Shutting out USF for the first time in its 13-year history.

36-55 seconds: Just a horribly awkward ending with a forced exchange about bedtime, school and guns. And it will only get more awkward when Lil’ Jovi’s teacher catches him and Lil’ Sambora googling “Erin Andrews” tomorrow.

When Lawrence Phillips was sentenced to 10 years in prison in 2006 for running over three teenagers with his car following a pickup football game (hey, we’ve all been there, right?), he established himself as the clear alpha dog regarding Nebraska backfield badassery. When it was reported that Phillips would be facing another sentencing later this month for separate violent offenses that could tack on an additional twenty five years to his term, we all mentally added Phillips dubious accomplishmnts to the list of sports records that will never be broken: Dimaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, Wilt’s 100 point game, Clint Malarchuk’s 6.5 pints of blood lost without dying. Well, it seems that record was hardly of the unbreakable variety. Enter one Thunder Collins:

Via:

Former Nebraska running back Thunder Collins has no remorse for the death of a suspected drug dealer.

That’s what Collins said Thursday before he was sentenced to life in prison for the September 2008 shooting that killed 38-year-old Timothy Thomas and wounded another California man, Marshall Turner.

Collins also was given a total of 110 years on other counts, including attempted second-degree murder, assault and two weapons counts. The sentences are to be served one after the other.

Man, it sure does suck to be Thunder Collins right now but do you know when it’s going to really suck to be Thunder Collins? When scientists figure out the whole eternal life thing and he finishes that 110 year sentence.