Tirico Suave

I’m ok with Matt Millen being on tv if he promises to say something dumb every time. So far, we’re good.

Via Sports Grid.

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Via MLB.com????? WHHHAAA!!1!!!!!!1 How long have I not been blogging for? What year is it? Who’s the President?

Surfacing on the ‘net this past week was the collaborative effort of A.C Green, David Robinson, Barry Sanders and, apparently, the guy who edited the opening credits of Saved By The Bell, asking 90′s teenagers (Hey! That’s me! Rad!) to keep their respective penises and vaginas as far as humanly possible away from one another. Didn’t work boys! I’ve totally had sex a few times since then!

A few things of note:
1. I played a lot of pickup basketball in my day. Wannabe Fly Girl skanks in see-through shirts never showed up to watch us play.
2. If said skanks had shown up, no way do they make the googly eyes for the dipshit with the Melrose Place looking white dude over say, the seven foot black, rich professional athlete.
3. ‘AIDS, pregnancy, pain, death…’ – Yes, kids. People were terrified as fuck of intercourse in the 90s.
4. Speaking of, not pictured: Magic Johnson.
5. Yes, I’m a little disheartened to see my idol, Barry Sanders, make a cameo. I always figured the phrase ‘He never spiked the ball’ was supposed to be taken literally. But at least rap-wise, he’s Cassidy to AC Green’s Freeway.
6. Why is Barry holding a basketball?
7. Was there no room in the budget for a cameo from MC Skat Kat? He really would have tied the whole together nicely.

I never understood the allure of celebrity autographs. Picture requests I understand. They make sense to me. You can put them on Facebook, you can Photoshop a better, more happening celebrity into the picture instead. Tons of options. But autographs? Who gives a shit? Have you ever been shown an autograph and came away impressed? Of course not. Autographs are masturbation. They give pleasure to one person and one person only. You know who disagrees with me? The dude rocking the chillingly accurate Champion shirt in the video above. That dude’s piiiissed. And why shouldn’t he be? Doesn’t Pete Rose realize it’s his civic duty to honor any and all autograph requests, even if he’s just grabbing a bite to eat. Can’t a disgraced an notoriously deceitful former player just enjoy a trip to Cooperstown like the rest of us non-Hall of Famers with out being harassed?

Video via the industrious lads over at Busted Coverage.

Our love for the Costacos Bros. posters is well documented (well, that’s if you’re a frequent reader of our site and you’ve been filing the appropriate documents. I haven’t). Like many of you, my walls are were covered with the ubiquitous relics from the 1990s. And wouldn’t you know it, as it turns out, I was quite the fine art collector as a youth as the work of the Brothers Costacos will be featured in an upcoming art exhibit in NYC.

Via:

Salon 94 is pleased to present For the Kids, an exhibition of sports lithographs from the archives of John and Tock Costacos. Opening on Thursday, June 23rd 2011 at Salon 94 Freemans and curated by Fabienne Stephan and Adam Shopkorn, the show serves as a mini-retrospective of early Costacos posters from 1986 through 1990. In addition to these works, pieces will be presented from Jeff Koons’s first solo exhibition, Equilibrium, the 1985 show that included basketballs floating in display tanks, cast bronze standard scuba diving tanks and framed advertising posters that appropriated imagery contained in Nike advertisements that preceded the earliest Costacos work. The Nike posters were purchased by Koons with the permission of the manufacturer, and were presented as his own artworks.

Costacos Brothers, originally a sports t-shirt manufacturer, built a reputation for “fantasy” sports posters that gave professional sports heroes a larger-than-life look and appeal. Their products captured the imagination of sports fans at a time when athletes were becoming pop stars. Without a license from professional sports leagues, they were unable to produce game action shots. Instead, they made personality posters, marrying pop culture to an athlete and his persona. They understood that at a certain point a player gains a public profile that transcends their team, catapulting them to individual stardom.

I tend to give younger athletes a bit of a pass when it comes to knucklehead behavior. It wasn’t too long ago that I was 19 and I’m sure as shit happy that I didn’t cameras and media folk tracking my every move, but man, Bryce Harper is different. The a-hole force is strong with this one, off the charts even. It is going to fun to root against him for the next two decades or so, that’s for sure. Especially around 2017, when he lets everyone know that the Nationals are Bryce’s team and not Stephen Strasburg’s squad and he causes a major rift and then has Scott Boras force a trade to the Yankees, and then asks that the team be known colloquially as the Bryce Bombers from there on out. Seems like an inevitability already, doesn’t it?

Via CSNWashington.

I’m not a fan of Sage Steele. Every time she hosts the AM SportsCenter, I always get the impression that she doesn’t want to be there and is only doing this until Good Morning America calls. Plus, she comes off just incredibly dull and vanilla. I often thought there was nothing Ms. Steele could do to change my opinion. I was wrong. She can slip up and accidentally imply that the only way to get a squirrel off the tip of your finger is to give the lil critter a handjob. If she doled out this type of advice during every broadcast, I’d become a fan. That’s a promise. John Buccigross on the other hand? There’s nothing that uber-corny, filterless dolt can do to make me like him. To borrow from his awful SC catchphrase: ‘What Gary Cherone is to Van Halen, John Buccigross is to SportsCenter’.

When I heard a ‘robot’ was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, my initial thought was ‘Phew! Thank God we have our brightest young scientific minds working around the clock on something as important to civilization as that!’. It’s like Watson, but for sports! Then I actually saw the video and could not have been more underwhelmed. The ‘robot’ was more like a half-assed BattleBot combined with that shitty arm-lever thingy at old-school batting cages that I used to yell at when I was 10 because the technology was too rudimentary then. Who designed this thing? Blankman? Oh and top of it, the goddamn robot’s toss only made it three quarters of the way there. We have a multitude of G-List celebrities on the downside of their career that could do that! That wouldn’t win third place at a high school science fair let alone the love and admiration of notoriously demanding sports fans. In the battle of man v. machine, score one for the man-animals. Suck on that ish, cylons!

One gig down….many, many to go, but hey, as a Lions fan, I’m an expert at accepting small victories, i.e. not real victories. And sure, he’s still yapping away about football on television in a most unqualified manner on tWWL, but I still get all nostalgic and ish anytime I see the words ‘fire’ and ‘Millen’, and more jobs means more chances for him to get canned. Optimism, people.

Via:

Former Lions president Matt Millen seems like he’s on every channel during football season, but Detroit fans will get relief on at least one outlet next fall.

Millen and Joe Theismann are out as analysts for the NFL Network’s Thursday night broadcasts, according to si.com. They’ll be replaced by Mike Mayock.